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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much should I expect from husband?

75 replies

TartanKitty · 21/09/2011 19:12

Was going to call this thread 'how do I make him pay' but that seems a little drastic. Basically he is off on a five day stag holiday with some mates leaving me home alone with four month old, who happens to also be teething (already!).
He had a four day holiday with two other friends a month ago, again leaving me home with no support (parents and best friend are over an hour's drive away).
These trips were planned while I was pregnant. Of course, not wanting to be the unreasonable or demanding wife I agreed to it but I admit to feeling somewhat pissed off and jealous that he can just go off and do as he pleases.

So, how much do I make him 'make it up to me' when he gets back? I'm not looking for tit for tat exactly (ok, so maybe a little bit if I'm totally honest) but I do feel he owes me some serious pampering or something for being so understanding.

Last month we had two nights away as a family camping as my 'holiday' to give me something to look forward to after he had been away. But the first night he was ill and the second night the baby was playing up so I ended up shattered (I do all night wakings and about 99% childcare and housework generally) so I still feel a bit cheated out of my 'break'.

My husband works really hard in a stressful job to earn money for our family so I can't begrudge him letting off some steam but he does little around the house and I am trying to get him to realise just how hard I find it all being a new mum and doing everything at home.

Any suggestions for a -list of demands- wee treat for his lovely wife? :)

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 21/09/2011 22:29

Tartan? is your H a brain surgeon or something? can he not genuinely say on a few nights "Sorry, I have to get back to support Tartan, I need to leave ON TIME."

I bet he's keen for you to be a SAHM, makes his life a WHOLE lot easier doesn't it? Hmm

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 22:32

A lot of sexist men push their wives into being SAHM's

so they do it against their better judgment

they often live to regret it, when they are stuck with a selfish bastard and have given up their career so cannot find a way out

this is nothing against SAHP's btw...

I just see a pattern to some of these entitled and controlling men

bigbuttons · 21/09/2011 22:36

Listen to hissy she rocksSmile

HerHissyness · 21/09/2011 22:36

Not to mention AF that they lose all financial independence and can't easily get out even if they try!

i am a jaded old crone, I will put myself back in my box....

as you all were.. Grin

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 22:37

If you are waiting for it to be offered then I hope you have a comfy chair and nice mag to read, because its gonna be a loooooooooong one!

i wouldnt say at this stage that he is being selfish, more thoughtless and inconsiderate. Neither is great but selfish is worse as it means he has thought about you and decided " ah fuck her" and I dont think he has done that.

The holidays aside, and I do think you need to let those go (for the moment) because as you said, they were one offs, the main issue is his inability to understand the amount of work you are doing andhow little he is supporting you. The holidays are a symptom of that rather than the issue in themselves.

There are 2 ways you can deal with that. One is the nice way, one is the MN way :o

The nice way is to keep a weekly diary of what you do for every hour day and night. Include everything, including how you feel. Start when you get up for the day and go from there. Write down when you manage to shower and dress, when you went to the loo and whether you managed it alone or had to take the baby with you (I have a 16 week old too!), every load of washing, every dish washed, meals cooked, items picked up (list everything that was yours, his and the babys), when you got up in the night and for how long, and when you had 5 minutes peace. oh and of course your brownies and your council work. Alongside that keep another of what he does. Obviously, you cant account for the time he is at work but getting up, time in the shower, breakfast, commute, time home, dinner and what he does after that (chilling? watching TV? washing up???!!! shock horror!) Then after a couple of weeks go to him and say that you are feeling that he doesnt understand that you need some help and some support. give him the diaries, say that you want him to read them and think about them and then come back to you. Dont jump on him straight away and say "what are you going to do?" , give him time to think about it. If he is a good man then he will reflect for a while and come to you and talk about it. If he doesnt and acts like a wanker then that may be a whole new thread, but I hope he doesnt!

The MN way is to book a 3 day break with no way of contacting you (well there is but only your mum/mil have it and they are only to tell in the case of emergency!) and leave him to it. :o

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 22:37

hissy, yup, that is my point

Original poster
TartanKitty · 21/09/2011 22:43

No, he's a banker. He earns three times what I do so I have always overcompensated a bit at home to feel I am contributing as much if that makes sense. It got silly when I was pregnant and I was doing all shopping/cooking/cleaning plus working full time including one evening, one night at Brownies plus an election campaign so at least one evening and one weekend day morning (we won so worth it!). Now he says he's reluctant to have another child as planned because I struggled so much with exhaustion and back pain while pregnant - funny he didn't see it as enough of an issue to actually help at the time!
Gawd, I'm making him sound like an EA arse. I just get frustrated and want him to want to make my life a little easier in recognition of what I do for our family. I'm usually so feisty and independent but seem utterly incapable of demanding more from him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 22:51

I'm usually so feisty and independent but seem utterly incapable of demanding more from him.

This is what happens when somebody, without you even realising it, manoevres you into a position of weakness

The first thing you need to do is acknowledge it, and stop using cliched rationalisations like "needing to overcompensate" and "payback"

Original poster
TartanKitty · 21/09/2011 22:54

I just managed to persuade him to put his pay into joint account last month so I didn't have to ask him for money (he would never refuse but I hated having to ask). He bought the house we're in (I sold my flat ti put money in too and pay money into joint account to help cover bills though not as much as him) and told me it would automatically be half mine when we got married. I found out this was not true but now he refuses to have me put on deeds as it will cost £600 but we are married and I should be in a stronger position on that front now we have a baby. I worry about being so financially dependent, evenmore if I become SAHM.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 22:57

what was that you said about being a feisty and independent woman ?

did you park your brain at the door of the chapel when you married this man ? Shock

seriously, you are starting to sound like the worst cliche of a woman heading for control by emotional and financial means I have ever heard

wake up, fgs

Original poster
TartanKitty · 21/09/2011 22:57

How do I change things though?
He doesn't see anything wrong and has seemed so hurt or got really defensive when I have mentioned these concerns in the past and makes me feel totally unreasonable.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 22:58

This smells to me of "mates".

Does he have single or divorced friends that are a wee bit bitter by any chance?

"Oh come mate! Dont let her turn you into a pipes-and-slippers man!"

"Now you've had a baby, you wont be allowed out!"

"Make sure she cant take you to the cleaners like my bitch ex did"

and so on.......................

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 23:00

Change things ?

if this is a real situation, I suggest you get out now, while you still can (and you still have an ounce of self-awareness and self esteem left)

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 23:02

Of course he makes you feel totally unreasonable! He likes his life the way it is and doesnt want you to rock the boat. He gets to work whatever hours he likes, go out when he likes, go on holidays when he likes and doenst have to do anything when he gets home. In certain industries with high earners, there are some women who will accept getting the shitty end of the stick in return for a certain level of lifestyle, and I rather suspect that he (and his mates) expected that you would become that woman.

You need to stop being so bloody grateful! Yes he earns alot, but would you love him less if he earned less? You are facilitating his life. He has a wonderful wife and child and still gets to live the life he loves, he should be the grateful one.

I still think the diary is a good idea but if not then counselling may help him realise a) how bad things are that you want to go and b) what he needs to do to pull his weight.

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 23:04

Oh and only people who know they are in the wrong pull the "hurt and defensive" card. Its a form of emotional manipulation, so dont fall for it. If he is man enough to make it in the world of high finance, I think he can cope with the odd bollocking from the missus!

Jux · 21/09/2011 23:13

While he is away, you make a list of absolutely everything that must be done. Then you divide it up. When he gets back you present it to him. Schedule time off for each of you too, and family time.

If you wanted to, you could make a list of everything you do, along with how much it would cost to employ someone to do each thing, and present him with an invoice. Sometimes, that's the only way to get someone to understand that you work bloody hard too.

Original poster
TartanKitty · 21/09/2011 23:15

We do live comfortably and I am so grateful for my gorgeous son but I realise seeing it all written down how it seems I am weak and being manipulated.

And managed to dripfeed my way from being told to book myself a wee holiday to 'leave him'. Bugger, just wanted a night out and some chocolate really.

OP posts:
InMyPrime · 21/09/2011 23:17

What was that about you putting in money to buy your house but not being on the deeds? You need to resolve that as a matter of urgency. If you've put money down on the house and he said it would be jointly owned then you need to do that. He can whinge all he likes, just ignore him and get it done. Put the £600 fee on your credit card or use savings if you need to. Don't let him manoeuvre you into a position where you're a SAHM with no money of your own, living in a house that's not yours running around after a man-child who refuses to grow up and accept that if he wants the responsibility of a wife and family, there are compromises to be made.

Also a 2-day camping 'holiday' with a 3 month old baby sounds like the shitty end of the stick compared to his weekends away, sport and nights out. Is that really much of a holiday? If you are looking for 'payback' as you put it then just decide what you most would love to do at the moment e.g. a baby-free day in a spa and just book it for yourself using the money from the joint account or your savings / credit card / whatever. Let him know that he'll have to be home all day that day as you won't be around. If he even has a small hint of protest at this, give him your fiercest, thundering look and tell him you decided to treat yourself as you felt you deserved a belated break after the hard work of labour and becoming a mother etc. Stop asking his permission and just go ahead and do things instead.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 23:21

is camping with a baby a valid part of a "comfortable" life ?

not in my world, it ain't, unless you are a camping fiend

are you a camping fiend, OP ?

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 23:25

I have a friend who would have cheerfully sold her house and lived in a tent before she had kids. She was a major hippy with the old "ownership is theft" thing (or something like that) Now she is a full on Barratt House owner and her idea of camping is anything less than 4 stars! There's camping and then there's camping with a baby. The latter is not a holiday in anyones book!

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 23:26

sorry, pre-kids she didnt own, she squatted!

bemybebe · 21/09/2011 23:31

"And managed to dripfeed my way from being told to book myself a wee holiday to 'leave him'. Bugger, just wanted a night out and some chocolate really."

It sounds like "leave him" is pretty standard solution to problems posted in relationships...

Bogeyface · 21/09/2011 23:38

I suggest you get out now, while you still can

We are talking about a man who hasnt fully appreciated the changes to life that having a baby bring, not an abusive man who beats her, gaslights her or has verbally abused her into mental illness!

The OP asked for help making her OH understand that she needs his help ffs, get some perspective!

Original poster
TartanKitty · 21/09/2011 23:39

Grin @ 'camping fiend' It was actually a wooden 'teepee' with toilet/shower and kitchenette on the banks of Loch Tay but camping seemed easier to type on phone.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 23:46

I have perspective, bogey

I certainly have a close approximation to a crystal ball here < shrugs >

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