Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is there a 'nice' way of telling someone something that could end their relationship?

48 replies

TidyDancer · 19/09/2011 20:27

I (unfortunately) have found out something that could, if 'exposed', end the relationship of a close friend. I don't like knowing this, I wish I didn't know it, but I don't feel like it's something that should/could be ignored.

For purposes of clarity, it does involve one party cheating, and I was given the information inadvertently. Ie, I was not supposed to know and I am now being asked to keep it quiet. I don't know what to do.

Would you tell the wronged partner? This is the person I am closest to in the couple (I only know the other person because they are in the relationship) and the person with whom my loyalty lies. If I was to tell, is there a 'good' or 'nice' way of doing it? I'm thinking no, but hoping someone might have some ideas.

Thanks.

OP posts:

confidence · 20/09/2011 20:41

If it was just a one night stand I probably wouldn't bother telling him. It's not important.

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/09/2011 20:46

15 months? I'd definitely tell them it isn't a long term relationship really. Best to get out while he can I would also invite him over and let him see the email himself

LittleWhiteWolf · 20/09/2011 21:14

It is important, confidence.

akaemmafrost · 20/09/2011 21:27

Keep out of it. Does she know you saw the email? If not just say nothing and let the chips fall where they may. If you tell him and he stays with her I pretty much guarantee YOU will become the villain of the piece. Forget you ever saw it.

barkwithnobite · 20/09/2011 21:34

Aka took words from my mouth.....seen it happen so many times - you'll become the enemy if you tell....let her do the telling, and make sure she does!

jasper · 20/09/2011 21:37

Absolutely keep out of it

Original poster

TidyDancer · 20/09/2011 22:15

I definitely feel it is important, I wouldn't be posting here if it wasn't important!

She does know I saw the email, she knows she accidentally sent it to me and has been speaking to me about it. She is desperate for me not to say anything.

I haven't done anything yet, still not sure what to do or how to go about it. My friend would almost certainly end the relationship if he knew.

OP posts:

limetrees · 20/09/2011 22:24

I'd tell him. Better he finds out now than a few years down the line when he has married her and had kids with her.

Plus the risk of him getting an STI from her - he needs to know.

I can't really see any justification for not telling him, given that it is only a 1yr relationship. He's your friend. I agree with having him over to see the emails for himself.

You may be taking a risk with the friendship, but ultimately my opinion is that the risk to his future life is bigger if he carries on without knowing.

FabbyChic · 20/09/2011 22:29

I'd tell him, sorry but you owe no loyalty to this woman but you do have a sense of loyalty to this man.

She has done it once, she is more than likely going to do it again.

Drink/drugs don't force you to cheat if you do it is because you would anyway irrespective.

I'd tell her sorry but if you don't tell him I will.

HairyGrotter · 21/09/2011 07:16

I would tell him, he is your friend. I would want to know.

Yes, you may fall out, yes it may blow up in your face, but at least you can rest assured that you did all you could to be a true and honest friend.

deste · 21/09/2011 09:58

Tell her she has to tell him because if she doesn't you will and then you are sort of in the clear. Give her a deadline of say 1 week.

tadpoles · 21/09/2011 10:04

"I told DH, who told his best friend. Best friend and his girlfriend decided to stay together and stopped speaking to us."

Yes - because they probably both decided that what they did either separately or together was their business and not yours.

Quite frankly what people do in their private lives is up to them, unless it is illegal.

I think the OP is enjoying getting into a little drama. If someone disclosed anything at all to me about my partner that was likely to upset/disturb/offend me I would tell them to fuck off.

limetrees · 21/09/2011 10:38

tadpoles - I understand that you wouldn't want to be told, but that doesn't mean to say the OP is enjoying the drama!! She is unhappy about being put in this position and wants to do the right thing.

Not everyone feels the same way about being told stuff - I, for example, have been cheated on by my husband of 10 years. If someone knew and didn't tell me, I would never ever speak to that person again and I would despise them for keeping the secret from me. So you can see how people like you and I differ and hence what a terrible quandry the OP is in. How can she tell which category her friend falls into?

meltedchocolate · 21/09/2011 11:23

I also would be unhappy with whatever 'friend' had not told me. Theyugh I think OP needs to make the woman do it herself rather fuN go strIght to her friend. Then she would just like she was getting in the drama. Agree with a week deadline.

Original poster

TidyDancer · 21/09/2011 14:00

tadpoles - don't be so bloody ridiculous! I'm not enjoying any drama. What a ridiculous comment to make.Perhaps you enjoy seeing your friends screwed over by their partners, I have slightly more concern for mine.

Thank you everyone else, I am still mulling it over, but thinking of going for the week deadline thing, or a version of it at least. :)

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 14:05

I would want to be told

I would want you to either tell my partner to tell me himself and if that didn't happen, or you got told to "fuck off" I would would expect you to tell me in this way...

"I don't have any expectations of what you will do this info, and you can expect 100% discretion from me, but I have been made aware of X, Y or Z " (when X, Y or Z are facts not rumours)

ameliagrey · 21/09/2011 14:11

My stance is to keep out of other people's relationships unless they ask for your advice or have suspicions they want confirmed.

If you had not been sent that email you would be none the wiser so instead of being the bearer of bad news, just let it go. Your role is to offer support as a friend if and when needed- not to tell tales.

manyy ears ago my friend's then partner made a pass at me, and I didn't know whether to tell her. I chose not to. In the end they split up,( nothing to do with infidelity andno kids either) she is now married with 3 kids, wonderfully happy and no harm done.

Nippysnippy · 21/09/2011 14:27

Well....how about setting up an email account and forward him her email making sure it can't be connected to you.

malinkey · 21/09/2011 14:27

It depends on your friend really. I would want to be told and many years ago something similar happened to me and one of my closest friends was brave enough to tell me - I have always been grateful for her for doing so and I realised it wasn't easy for her.

However, if your friend is like tadpoles he may not want to know.

Dozer · 21/09/2011 17:52

I would tell.

flatbellyfella · 21/09/2011 18:53

I would want to know. Only your friend can decide what his feelings are & how to deal with this information.

ameliagrey · 21/09/2011 19:02

If other people apart from you know, then it's likely to come out anyway.

The only "nice way" IMO is to make it anonymous- not out of cowardice but to keep yourself out of the ensuing fall out.

As someone suggested- forwarding the email sent in error, or an anonymous letter.

You see the problem is that you really don't know what is going on- you only know what you see- it is possible he might have shagged around, or that this is a pay back, or that he knows and have accepted it.

You could do some real damage by meddling- if anything, you should tackle the guilty party and put her right by telling her that you ( and others??) know. Then the ball is firmly in her court.

Landedgentry · 22/09/2011 00:17

Please don't send anything anonymous OP. It is the height of cowardice and all it achieves is to create inconclusive mistrust and feelings of paranoia that "someone out there" is intent on causing trouble.

For me, this would be a straightforward decision based on my friend's sexual and emotional health. You have implied that his partner was under the influence of drugs as well as alcohol. Therefore it is far less likely that she had protected sex and depending on the drugs used or how they were ingested, might be in a high-risk category anyway. There is no way I could stand back and play russian roulette with a friend's health.

I like the idea of giving her a timescale to come clean with him, but if she does not, just tell him the facts as you know them. Tell him you'll support him in any decisions he reaches and that you'll preserve confidentiality about the entire matter.

Flip

1 2