Help- I feel rubbish about all of it.

[onetruelife]

I know there will be many haters there who will judge me but I have gone through so many mixed emotions.
Married 10 years. DH critical of everything about me, rarely positive or complementary. Makes me feel bad. I think about leaving him but I have 2 DS, one pre school. Too much to cope with. I am the breadwinner and work full time. Very confident at work but feel not myself at home.
So I re-ignited a relationship with a friend a few months ago. He and I were briefly together before I married. He has been married all the time, and always told me he loved me. I love him but realise it can't go on. Too complicated. He told me he loves his wife and doesn't want anything to change. Now I feel rubbish about all of it. I have told him I need to end it as it is too painful. I feel so unhappy.

You're right about ending it. It's hard but will be worth keeping well away, there is only pain and heartache possibly for more than just you down that road.

Now, as for your marriage - can you adress the problems with counselling? If you really don't want to leave but are unhappy then you need to try what you can to make it work - then if THAT doesn't work, look at seperating. It can be done, I've done it from a shitty situation and a near impossible housing situation and if I can, anyone can. You have to be positive and not defeatist.

if he is never going to leave his wife then it is, as im sure you know, a completely pointless affair, and he is just trying to have the best of both worlds.
I would suggest ending it immediatley as you only stand to hurt yourself and your family more.
Have a talk with DH and tell him how his behavour makes you feel and see where it goes from there

Recognise the signs and take heed.

The Signs seem to be -

Husband's behaviour at home - also out of work factor....??
Getting back to being confident at home. Its not good to walk on eggshells.
End the affair obviously, esp as he doesn't want anything to change with his wife. Looks like he had his cake and ate it. Whatever, back to you. He was just a symptom. (With a wife tho.) :((

Take control my dear. Maybe a couple of days where you have a good think away from your husband? Can you avoid him? Can you get some movement, change, positivity going on for yourself at home?

The first thing you need to do is end the relationship with OM. You know that. it may be hard as he has given you some form of emotional support but it isn't going anywhere. He has a wife, you have a husband.

Have you told your dh how you feel about your marriage? Is counselling something you could both try, either individually or as a couple? Does your dh feel emasculated if you are the breadwinner and feel it should be the other way round - does he lack confidence because of it & is that why he is being unpleasant to you?

Whatever the reason, you need to decide whether you can work on this to improve your marriage together or would it be better to end it. One thing is clear, you won't find the answer in someone else's bed.

Thank you everyone. I know you are all right.
I though the OM might be my soul mate but it does seem for him it is a classic case of having his cake and eating it. I am sad about not seeing him again because when I am with him I feel amazing. It just hurts to be apart and the stark reality of the situation. I haven't told him about how I feel at home.
My DH is bitter about my job and the experiences it brings me. I think I have outgrown him and he tries to keep me down. I think you are right too that my DH feels emasculated. I have told him over many months about how he makes me feel.

This OM is not your soul mate

Forget that romantic bollocks

What you had with him was adultery, pure and simple

If he really wanted you, he would move Heaven and earth to make it so

It seems he had what he wanted, and you were a fool to have your head turned by pretty words and a glad eye

Now you should end it with him, irrevocably before he hurts you even more

Then look at your marriage with eyes that are not blinkered by lust for another man

I don't like the sound of your H either. He isn't enhancing your life. He is helping to drive you into unsatisfactory relationships that are damaging you and some of the responsibility is his.

Have you considered counselling to find out why you place your emotional and mental well being in the hands of others, who don't have your best interests at heart ?

Yes I agree I need to do all of that. I will cut off the contact with the OM and then look at my marriage. I do feel like I need to talk to someone. My head is so full and confused. Where shall I look for counselling? I would rather go alone first to sort my head out and face up to why I am putting up with all of this.

Do relate do individual counselling, does anybody know ?

perhaps see your GP and see if he/she can recommend anyone in your local area

if you google, you will find lots of hits, but best to go with a personal recommendation I would have thought

Your H is responsible like you, for your marriage, but he is not responsible for your affair. At all. You are, just as this OM is responsible for his own adultery. Your H did not "drive" you into an affair, but his behaviour might have been a contributory factor to your unhappiness. What you did with that unhappiness was up to you - there were and always are numerous choices. The one you took was a lousy one.

Work on the problems in your marriage and decide from there.