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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I leave him?

25 replies

barkwithnobite · 18/09/2011 12:30

hello. This is my first post here. I've been married for 8yrs. My husband is much older than me. We have two DS. My DH is a serial socialiser. When we first got married, he'd go out every weekend, returning home drunk in the morning of the following night. He has a group of likeminded friends who go from club to club. I know that his friends have been unfaithful to their wives, but he always claims to be different. He used to be very cruel to me when I tried to discuss the matter with him, calling me a control freak etc etc. His night outs are better now although he goes out at least once every fortnight returning home between 4-6am the next day. It used to be 10am every weekend.
He has hit me twice in our marriage, and recently after a drunken nite out, he went into our nanny's room at 4am, woke her up saying he wanted to talk. This upset her and she reported him to me. Once when I thought he was going to hit me, I raised my hand up in defence and it smacked his face. He says that we have both smacked each other, so I should not make a fuss.

He never wanted to help out with the kids claiming that a good mother should be able to care for her kids. After counselling, he now helps with the kids, but I have so much weight on my shoulders. He is very outgoing and would rather be out with his friends than home with us. I am very homely.

I don't feel love for him anymore, just anger for what he has put me through. I couldn't write it all on here. I don't feel like trying anymore. I feel like i wasted my youth marrying him, but i dont want to give up. Now he wants another child. We both work full time. I want another child, but not in this type of marriage. I was depressed on medication after my first child cause of his notes out. Now I've been diagnosed with hypertension.

Should I leave? How does one leave? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

UsingMainlySpoons · 18/09/2011 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

togetherwehaveitall · 18/09/2011 12:36

Oh dear well it certainly sounds like a mess. :(((

The DV is an issue so I'd be letting him know that that needs flagging, and no you didn't hit him, and tell him he is making a weak argument there and knows it.

Re the going out and the issues at home, he is in the wrong there for sure. No wonder you sound so pissed off!

I would lay it on the line to him and walk around really pissed off and ready to leave for a few days. You seem to want a family life and he wants to go out clubbing all the time. Its not matching up.

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 18/09/2011 13:31

I've done the walking around pissed because I am indeed very upset...... No joy! His father apparently treated his mother the same and his brother is the same. He is in 40s, me in 30s.... Is it reasonable for me to be expected to compromise in this sort of situation? We've been through counselling hence why he is a bit better. I'm so scared to leave cos of d impact it would have on my kids. I have asked him to go several times, but he won't saying he has no where to go.

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 18/09/2011 13:39

Yes, I think you should leave.

I find the drunken episode with the nanny very worrying, for her and for you - just incredibly inappropriate and well dodgy, that poor woman.

He's adjusted his behaviour on the nights-out is something, but it still wouldn't be acceptable in a lot of relationships - I mean, every fortnight coming home at that time in the morning?

But the DV is the single most important issue, and for that alone he should be gone.

If you want to split, you need to first go get some legal advice (free initial half-hour with a solicitor) or talk with the CAB. Find out what your likely outcomes are and get things in motion. He will have to pay towards the children's upkeep.

buzzskillington · 18/09/2011 13:41

In my first sentence, I meant leave the relationship, not necessarily the home.

Fairenuff · 18/09/2011 17:33

How have you put up with this for 8 years? It sounds to me like he has ridden rough shod over you for so long that you have no sense of 'self' left.

he'd go out every weekend, returning home drunk in the morning of the following night

his friends have been unfaithful to their wives, but he always claims to be different

He used to be very cruel to me when I tried to discuss the matter with him

He has hit me twice in our marriage

I should not make a fuss.

He never wanted to help out with the kids

a good mother

Fairenuff · 18/09/2011 17:34

sorry, posted too soon . .

These are all red flags OP.

solidgoldbrass · 18/09/2011 17:39

He sounds dangerous as well as obnoxious. It would not have been unreasonable for the nanny to have reported his behaviour to the police (coming into her room pissed at 4am must have been very frightening for her). I think you should have a chat with Women's Aid and find out all the necessary information for getting rid of him, then when you have the information you can decide what to do.

ImperialBlether · 18/09/2011 17:52

You really can't think of having another child with him. Don't you realise it's his way of tying you down? If you still want another child, think of having one with a decent man.

I would leave him. I would put my house on his being casually unfaithful. I can't see one reason for staying with him, can you? Do you really think an atmosphere like that is good for the children? The best thing for them would be to live somewhere safe with you.

Once you stay with someone who's hit you, the message you've given them is that they can hurt you and you may complain, but you won't do anything else about it.

Your name needs changing, OP. You can bite. You should see a solicitor and talk about your rights. If you tell him you want him to leave, then please make sure a friend or your nanny is in the house with a phone.

kunahero · 18/09/2011 19:41

A 'decent' man would never treat a female like this. Excusing his treatment of you by saying his fathe and brother were the same is just wearing rose tinted specs. 'he has nowhere to go'? Crap! he has lots of supposed good friends he can stay with.

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 18/09/2011 20:02

Thank u all. I guess u've all told me what I would advice someone else in my situation. It's just so hard to leave. God help me!

OP posts:

lydiamama · 18/09/2011 20:06

yours are very good reason for leaving him (except the long nights once a week out if they were not heading to a more serious problems, but THEY ARE....) If you do not love him anymore and he is useless with the children, which is the point to be together? Good luck, and lots of love is sent your way

Fairenuff · 18/09/2011 21:37

It's just so hard to leave

Surely it's harder to stay? Just get some initial advice from a solicitor. You probably do not have to leave the house but if it comes to that you will be able to cope. Take it one step at time. Make the decision. Take some advice. Nothing is final but you will feel more prepared, stronger and in control. Keep posting for more help and support.

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 18/09/2011 21:53

He thinks sex solves all our problems.....arghhhhh... I wish he'd do the decent thing and leave.....where will I go with two kids under 8?

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 18/09/2011 22:01

Go to a solicitor firstly and find out where you stand. I think you can get half an hour free. If you make the decision to leave, try posting a new thread asking for help and advice on how to do that. Or see what other advice comes along here.

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 21/09/2011 07:35

He has changed so much though, more attentive, and so so different - has counselling worked or will this be short lived? Counsellor doesn't think he's abusive. She thinks that we both need to walk away during heated arguments + the sex is soooo good! I can learn to love him again if he really does change instead of throwing my marriage away and uprooting two kids. I would love to hear from people who have been in this sort of situation. Can a bad marriage become good after counselling or is it short lived? He told me last night the he'll cut out late nights totally (now, that I don't believe!)....he's begging me not to give up.

OP posts:

AgathaCrusty · 21/09/2011 07:45

You ask where you can go with two kids under 8 - well, can't he be the one to leave? It is effectively him who has caused the breakdown in the relationship through his very long-term bad behaviour, domestic violence, lack of parenting. The example he is setting to his kids about relationships and parenting is shocking, and he is living proof that children take these lessons on board and repeat the behaviour themselves as adults. I am sure you would not like your children to either act like this themselves as adults, or to live with someone who treated them so appallingly?

You need advice from a solicitor. Take it in steps. Speak to a solicitor, speak to WA, gather support around yourself if possible.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 21/09/2011 09:09

In response to your thread title: Yes, you should leave him. That is the only thing to do with a man who has hit you.

ChitChattingWithKids · 21/09/2011 09:45

It's been 8 years! Do you really think there is a chance he can change? Most men grow up when they have DC, your H (sorry, I just can't call him a DH) is still acting as though he's the centre of everybody's world and has the right to do whatever he wants to, regardless of the impact on others.

Have a think about what would happen to your DC if you started acting like he does. How messed up would they be? Well then why is it ok for him to act like this?

You say he has learned this behaviour from his father. Do you want your DC to learn this behavour too?

ThereGoesTheFear · 21/09/2011 09:56

He is an abuser and he's trying to mess with your mind by telling you you're partly to blame. He has been unutterably cruel to you in so many ways. As together says, his argument about you both having raised your hands is a weak argument. In fact it is ridiculous.

He's been given a bit of a fright in that he's gone to counselling and is making a bit of an effort. But he's really only making just enough effort for now, probably until you're pregnant again and you feel you're totally trapped, and then he'll go right back to the way he was.

Seriously, if you'd hit your partner, were inappropriate with an employee, out every weekend leaving your partner to deal with the kids until you slept it off, you'd be doing a lot more than just doing a bit more with the kids. You'd be prostrating yourself, you'd fully admit your guilt, you'd offer to move out (rather than refuse!) so that your partner could feel safe. You certainly wouldn't be out tom-catting every weekend, and what's worse, making your partner feel that she was in some way to blame!

Noone should not be expected to compromise on DV. Give WA a call. They can advise you on how to get him to leave. Look, even if you can't see how you can cope on your own, why don't you think about getting him to leave for a decent period (6-12mo) whilst you get your head together. I can guarantee you that once you see how sweet life can be without this abusive prick in your life, you won't want him back.

Do you want to be living like this for the next 40 years?

buzzskillington · 21/09/2011 12:09

Your counsellor is crap if she thinks a man who has hit you isn't abusive.

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 21/09/2011 20:44

She's not crap. I admit I was surprised, but he claims to have erupted and slapped me. An abusive man will keep hitting, push me, hit other parts. Is slapping abusive? He's so different now than he's ever been. I think he realises that I've had enough and he's taken me for granted all this while. Time will tell....oh, I dont know!

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 21/09/2011 20:54

Of course slapping is abusive. A healthy relationship involves no use of force or fear. Slaps are not as bad as having 7 shades of shit beaten out of you, but it's still unacceptable and not part of a healthy dynamic.

Abuse can also be about mental and emotional cruelty, about control whether through money/jealousy/intimidation, and about bending the partner to their will through manipulation or aggression. It doesn't have to be physical, and it doesn't have to be all the time.

SomeKindOf50sHousewife · 21/09/2011 21:00

I know exactly how you feel, I think. Am in a very similar situation myself.
My partner is much more interested in going to the pub than spending time with us. Our relationship is very stressful. He won't leave and I always give in because I don't want to be the one who breaks up the family, even though I suspect this would be the right thing to do.
He does almost no housework and very little childcare.
He says all the right things after an argument and his behaviour is very slowly improving, but I don't know if that is enough anymore.
He has never been physically violent to me, but trashed two rooms when I was pregnant and can be verbally very aggressive.
It's an awful situation and incredibly stressful, so, from one who understands, you have my sympathy.

notsorted · 21/09/2011 21:02

I've been where you are and yes the sex was great - sex after an argument can be - but he used it as a way of keeping me under his control and also used existence of someone else as a way of keeping me from calling him on his behaviour at times. One slap is enough if it is unacceptable for you. It is about boundaries - being able to set them, explain them and have them respected No way is he respecting your boundaries.
The difficult bit is coming to terms with what people are saying here and what WA or a counsellor might say. One, go to counselling on your own to get your head clear. Read some of the threads here, read some of the literature and this is a wonderfully clear idea of what you should expect in a relationship
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/mrgoodbad.php

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