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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I need to take a step back?

19 replies

nevertheless · 17/09/2011 22:43

I was OW and am now in proper relationship with BF (I don't want to say DP yet). I did step away from the relationship when it was an affair as I didn't want to be cause of BF's split. He and ex DP split at the beginning of the year, things were difficult for him and I did want him to make a go of things - we were friends from way back. Now the relationship is out in the open but he has decided to cut himself off from DD entirely due to acrimony with his ex and a lot of guilt. I can't tell him what to do, but I think he should man up and get on with me, the choice he has made and see his DD however painful it is. Also because of the circumstances we are still behaving like it's a secret affair. He has met my friends, my DSs (younger one just starting uni) but I haven't met any of his current friends or his family. I still feel like the OW almost 10 months down the line and am getting fed up, also I don't want him to blame me for his decision to break off contact with his DD. It's not a great situation for the start of a relationship, I know, and am starting to wonder whether it can ever be a proper relationship because of the guilt which seems worse now than when I was OW so should I walk away now, tell him he needs to sort things out with ex re DD and then I'll come back or hope that it gets better in time? He has started not even wanting to talk about DD. Don;t worry I know I'll get flamed here for having been OW, but hoping for advise too.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 17/09/2011 22:47

the circumstances of your getting together aside, think about what kind of person cuts himself off from his own child. Is that someone you want to build a long-term future with?

thisisyesterday · 17/09/2011 22:49

i would cool it for a bit if i were you

there is no way i would want to be held in any way responsible for him and his dd not maintaining contact.

so i would say 3 months? 6 months? time for him to sort it out, arrange contact with his daughter and get over the split. THEN see what happens.

thisisyesterday · 17/09/2011 22:50

and yes, wannabe makes a good point there!

he's left one partner, abandoned his child with no plans to see her again.... what's to stop him doing it to you?

yet another reason to take things very carefully with this guy IMO

Xales · 17/09/2011 22:52

Agree with wannaBe

If he can just cut his DD out and walk away from her without a backward glance why would you want a man who can do that?

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If he loves and cares for his DD eventually you will be the one he blames no matter how unfairly.

Is it his choice or his family and friend not to see you? They may well blame you for being the OW, stopping him from seeing his DD and want nothing to do with you.

If it is his choice is it because he is embarrassed by you?

Original poster

nevertheless · 17/09/2011 23:01

He says it's too complicated at the moment. He hasn't seen many of his old friends at all really since he split from his ex, they were mutual and I guess it is because they have mostly sided with her. He doesn't see his family much anyway and didn't with his ex. He has always had difficult relationship with them.
I would like to support him and think if I walk away now I will be blamed anyway iyswim although I didn't beg him to leave his ex. I quite like having my own time too and don't see us moving in together any time soon.

OP posts:

Yesterdays · 17/09/2011 23:04

A lot of what you are saying is hugeley contradictary . You are not in a proper relationship , you are being kept away from his family and freinds .

I think , like in many other cases where an affair has occured , now that the excitement and drama has worn off , and the reality of upset with family has kicked in , its nowhere near as apealing as it once was . Your left with a man whos lied and cheated on his wife , and has now cut contact with his daughter . He doesnt sound very nice to be honest . Cutting contact with her is not excusable in any way .

I know you dont want to hear it , but your concern for his Dd is a little late . You will always be the person who split up her family and that will have a profound effect on her for the rest of her life . Not flaming you , i have also been there , theres not a day that goes by that i dont regret it . Luckily no one ever found out and no children were involved , i hurt myself more than anyone else and im not proud of it .

I realised it was the way he made me feel that i liked , not him personally . I often thank my lucky stars that i didnt end up with him .

Youve yet to negotiate being accepted by family and freinds , especially his daughter who might not ever . Youve also got the responsibility of spending time with dd should he resume contact and financially supporting her , she needs to come first and i would have serious concerns about being in a relationship with a man who discards his daughter so easily .

Presumably he loves her a lot more than he does you . Id think about what that means .

cory · 18/09/2011 00:45

"He says it's too complicated at the moment."

And if this is his attitude towards seeing his own child, what do you think his response will be if you are ever in trouble or in need of his support?

Original poster

nevertheless · 19/09/2011 11:17

Thanks for all the advice. Made me think quite hard yesterday about what is going on. He did talk to me about what was going on at home over a couple of years, which is how we fell into a relationship I suppose.
I'm not sure if some of the things that seemed ok at the start are now red flags?
I hope we can make this work, but not sure if I can continue seeing a man who isn't going to do anything to make a good relationship with DD and be a bit more sympathetic in how he talks about ex. He does say kind things, but doesn't seem to put them into practice iyswim. I thought about saying he must try to see his DD and try to go to mediation with the ex re the parenting. He just wants to forget the past. I did have a difficult time with my ex but we worked on what I would call now a reasonably good co-parenting strategy with our DSs.

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 19/09/2011 17:26

WTF kind of low life refuses to see his DD cos it's complicated?

So we already knows he has the morals of a sewer rat, no thought to commitment, promises or his family unit, that's a given, he's a cheat, that's what they do.

But to cut off contact with his DD? to isolate YOU? to run from his friends?

You are sleepwalking into a very dysfunctional relationship, you are placing yourself at great risk of emotional and psychological damage

This guy is redflag-tastic. You need to end it.

Smum99 · 19/09/2011 18:20

Can I just ask how old is his dd? How long with the ex? Do you really know this man? Concern I have is that living in a blended family is very tough on a relationship and beyond everything you need superb communication - he is displaying little empathy, zero communication skills and a lack of responsibility. I'm sure he has some positive personality traits but does he have similar values to you. It's easy to assume that a partner will be similar but don't assume he's a good person. Judge him on his deeds not words.

Could the reason you are being kept from family and friends is because they might tell you something about him which he would rather keep from you?

BluddyMoFo · 19/09/2011 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzskillington · 19/09/2011 18:40

I think you need to take several million steps back, then turn and run like buggery. Bloke who refuses to see his dd because 'it's complicated' and painful is the worst kind of asshole. This is playing for him.

Original poster

nevertheless · 19/09/2011 19:07

Thanks for all your warnings.
I'm going to talk to him about trying to resolve contact issues with his DD - she is 4 btw - and that we need to take the whole relationship more slowly. I'm thinking we should go back to the relationship we had before ie more friendship, less sex and see what happens. I accept that there is a lot to go through when a relationship with DCs ends and I was supportive of him but am frankly getting a sense he isn't trying as hard as he ought to see DD. I don't know whether to give him an ultimatum or not? I think we are at the end of our honeymoon period now and yes the real shape of the relationship is taking shape.

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 19/09/2011 19:12

She's only four? Fucks sake, he's a little shit.

newhorizon · 19/09/2011 21:59

It really is beyond me how someone can just abandon their dcs, but unfortunately I think it is all too common.

How someone who supposedly loves their dcs and then can just drop them like a toy and then onto the next thing? Someone who is capable of this is totally emotionally dysfunctional imo. You?re well off out of it, he will move on.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1227415-Just-need-to-let-it-out/AllOnOnePage sounds all too familiar but from the other side.

goingtogetdone · 20/09/2011 18:01

He sounds awful op

Original poster

nevertheless · 20/09/2011 20:31

I don't think he is awful, just not coping very well and I don't want to abandon him entirely. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow and try to set a deadline for him at least trying to contact his ex and trying to find out what she proposes re contact. I'm not sure whether to suggest he and she go to mediation. I will tell him he has to be a part of DDs life and will be even if he runs away from her. I am starting to worry about his ex's version of how he was. He did say the relationship was difficult but am now starting to wonder how far to believe his version of events.
I don't know but I think I want to go back to a friendship with him for the time being at least.

OP posts:

HairyBeaver · 20/09/2011 20:40

I would end the relationship for now. Tell him to reestablish his relationship with his DD an maybe in a few months time see how you both feel about each other.

Abandoning your4 year old DD because you feel guilty and it's complicated is seriously not cool btw

Is there no way you could kick him up the arse and TELL him to see his DD?

HerHissyness · 20/09/2011 22:58

nevertheless. he is a cheat. proven. FACT.

He is a liar. he has lied to his wife, his kids and you.

If I were you, I'd really stop and consider what his DW did say about him. It's very likely to be more truthful than whatever sob story this weasel will utter to make himself look slightly less shit.

The day that someone has to even consider having to boot a bloke up the arse to see a 4yo is a very sad day indeed. It's the day that you realise that if you were stupid enough to get PG with him, that before the child even gets to school their father has fucked off again to another one.

You should do absolutely NOTHING to intervene tbh, so that you can see the FULL glory of this undoubted TWAT of the highest order. Give this tosser enough rope and see how he hangs himself.

This prick has no idea about family, relationships, commitment and love. He may have been a good shag, a nice dinner companion, a bit of love interest, but this guy is and never will be relationship material.

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