noone to confide in, someone please tell me this is a sham

[mulberrybabe]

There is noone for me to turn to,i know i would have eventually confided in my mum but its too late now.
I have been married for 20yrs. First off he is a great provider and a brilliant dad to the dc. I will cut to the chase
A couple of years ago i fell ill with terrible pains in my back and tummy. I was vomiting for days on end and i also had a terrible burning when i went to the loo. Eventually told it was a severe kidney infection and was put on anti biotics but it wouldnt clear, the doc was talking of sending me straight to hosp. As i struggled out of bed to get dressed to go to hosp my dh said he had to tell me something. His eyes filled with tears. I was terrified i thought he was ill. He then told me that he had gone to a stag do organized by an old work boss and he had let a stripper give him oral sex. He said he was scared my illness was something he had given me. Tbh i was in pain and shock i didnt think about it for another 6 weeks. He is the type of man who never talks about sex or makes lewd comments about women. He never checks any female out whilst driving. To say i was shocked was an understatement.
Fast forward to now. The truth is he never ever wants sex. He hasnt kissed me in over ten years. He never hugs me or tells me he loves me. He never talks to me. Looking back i remember opening a tab he had left on the computer it said It was porn. He denied it was him and was going to let me blame our son. I came in from shopping for or five years ago and he had left a porn vid in machine and dd found it. And three weeks ago he had seen me crying because i feel so crap about myself and whilst browsing the computer i opened a tab he had left on, it was porn where he had put his post code in to see local girls. He denied it was him and when i said i would ask my son he confessed He said he was so sorry and it was insensative because of what i was going through. He always manages to make it seem like its nowhere near as bad as i think it is. Like he said he had to put in the postcode otherwise the pics wouldnt come up. I nearly lost my mind at the beginning of last year because i found strange numbers on the mobile phone bill. He recieved a couple of weird texts (i snooped). He does buy and sell so maybe it was just business and there was a text from something called the kitten club. Do they send texts randomely? I am in such a pickle, is this marriage a sham? I am a very paranoid person so maybe sometimes he is telling the truth and men do look at porn dont they!!!!!!!

[exoticfruits]

He is not lovely. Don't make excuses for him. Being alone is not so bad-I never know what people have against it. You can cope-everyone can if they have to. I was widowed-you don't get the choice!

[twotesttickles]

Being alone and having dignity would be better than this.

He is responsible for his behaviour but so are you. If you choose to ignore this you are allowing him to continue to treat you like crap.

You can learn to drive. Or you can live with public transport. You deserve better than this and YOU KNOW THAT. If you told all this to your parents or a close friend, what would THEY tell you to do?

[TheRealMBJ]

You can learn to drive but you can't carry on living in a relationship with no no support, no love, no respect, no honesty etc etc

[mulberrybabe]

I will take control of this. I cannot stand what i have become. Re my parents, dh was very very good to them. So supportive and my parents adored him, i cant fault him for his love and kindness to them, but if they were here now and they could see how unhappy i am they would tell me to be kind to me.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Yes mulberrybabe that's exactly right: be kind to you.

[ImperialBlether]

So did you get tested for an STD in the end? I wonder why he was worried that he'd given you something when you haven't had sex or kissed in ten years. How exactly did he think you were going to catch something off him?

What has happened if you ever initiated sex?

For him to worry that you'd catch something, I think it would have to involve full sex without protection.

This is your chance to be strong now, OP. You can do all those things, you know. You can live with your children and without him. You can find somewhere to live which is near a bus route, or closer to town. You can manage without him.

You don't seem to be happy with him. I'm sure you'll be happier without all this worry.

[mulberrybabe]

imperial we do have sex now and again but he hasnt kissed me or told me he loves me in nearly ten years, so although i cant remember the lead up to what happened with the stripper, we had had sex. He got tested, in fact he sat with me and the doctor and told the doctor. Btw we have sex with a condom because he has an irritated penis. He washes in Bp aquaus cream. If i remember correctly this has been ongoing long before the incident.
Having posted on this thread i feel like its not me, i cant believe this is me and this is my life, what a mess. Thank you btw everyone for your input and support.

[sternface]

It sounds as though you are desperately trying to convince yourself and us that he is a good man really and that this marriage isn't so bad after all.

Please look at what you've written. He had sex with a woman who was paid for it. He has a porn habit and leaves it around for the children to find. He doesn't talk to you, you wrote that he never wants sex with you, hasn't kissed you for ten years and in the same time period, hasn't said that he loves you.

Do you realise how much damage that has done to you? Or how much damage this might have done to your children? If you have found tabs left open on the PC, what on earth do you think your children have found over the years and haven't told you about? Your DD found a porn video - how on earth did you or him explain that one away? Have you normalised porn with the children then?

[mulberrybabe]

No i havent normalised porn with my children. My dd was 12 at the time, i cannot remember how i dealt with it. All i know is i feel shit about myself and its got to stop. I simply cannot remember the last time he looked at me like he desired or wanted me, let alone like he loves me. I think he cares about me and i know he loves the children but hes not a grown up as far as emotions go. He is a closed book.
He doesnt even joke about sex, he never talks about it, he never looks at a women like he fancies them, thats strange i think. All men see a pretty woman on the tv and comment, he never ever does. Im sorry im rambling. I will get this sorted. Its almost like hes made me except that hes tired, and works hard and has work things to think about and after years of marriage people dont keep up the sex and first flourishes of romance.

[Bluebelle38]

So he wears condoms with you! Oh dear, will you please wake up and smell the coffee. I can only imagine how afraid you are of leaving him.

What would he have to do for you to leave? I bet you are struggling here to think of what you wouldn't forgive.

Where is the fire in your belly that this is so wrong, so unfair and so not going to ever change.

Don't you want to be strong and happy?

Don't you want to feel cherished and wanted?

If you do then you walk away and get counselling because your self esteem has been broken down for a decade.

I can't understand what is holding you back from making a happy life for yourself because sure as hell is isn't bothered about providing it.

Sorry for the tough love, but you are in denial that you can just plod along and that is an absolute travesty that you'd spend the rest of your life feeling like this!!!

He has someone to look after him and tolete his porn addiction. His love is all for himself. Does he not see what his behaviour is like blaming his kids for his porn. That is disgusting and yet what has he done to fix the situation? Sweet FA.

[MadameCastafiore]

Get out of there - if he hasn't shown you and affection in over 10 years what they hell has made you stay.

The job of parents isn't just providing for their kids but showing them what a proper loving relationship is like and it seems yours hasn't been a proper loving relationship for years.

The porn thing wouldn't bother me if we had a normal relationship but the oral sex thing would have had his belongings in black bags on tthe front lawn.

[LancsDad]

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy - Just to clarify; no stripper, prostitute, or cheap whore, would give your husband a blow job unless he paid them - in advance.

Assuming people on here are not just making wild statements based on no fact at all then I must have been to the only 2 such events where this went on as I witnessed strippers giving bj's without any payment from the individuals in addition to the entrance fee. [1 a stag do and one a 'Gentlemens Breakfast' before a premier league game - Yes a Saturday morning.]

[ImperialBlether]

Sorry, LancsDad, I don't think there's a need for 'cheap whore.'

[LancsDad]

Sorry, LancsDad, I don't think there's a need for 'cheap whore.'

The first bit of my post including 'cheap whore' was a cut and paste from izzywhizzyletsgetbusy's post. Not my words, hers, and I agree with you - everything else was mine.

[peterpan99]

the kitten club is a burlesque thing by the way.
I agree that pretty much all men look at porn, but normally they still want sex with their partner aswell.
I think it is a sham im so very sorry

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Mulberry

re your comment:-
"I am so scared of being alone. I cant drive and i rely on him alot".

Mulberry, you are to all intents and purposes alone now within this marriage. Is the above why you have stayed with him?. A perceived fear of being alone is not a good enough reason to keep you within this; what have you both taught your children about relationships here?. Infact two words suffice in answer to that question - damaging lessons.

Denial is a powerful force but you downplay this to the harm of your self esteem. Its already through the floor as it is; you do not need yourself to drive it any lower. You cannot and should not grow flowers in your hole - you need instead to dig yourself out of it!.

Is there any reason why you have not learnt to drive?. Why hasn't he encouraged you to learn?.

We only get one chance at this life and you are well on the way to having a pitiful existance full of regret and pain at the hands of someone who is supposed to love you but truly does not.

Where do you see yourself in say a year's time; still with him?. More fool you if you are.

I asked you earlier what you are getting out of this relationship now. You chose not to address that question therefore I think you are not getting anything out of it. If this is the case then why are you still there?.

[mulberrybabe]

Def not gay. I just know hes not. Im the one living this and i know.
Also he never goes out to the pub or anything so i know he doesnt drink and pull if that makes sense. I know now that i have to confront this, i am half way there and i cant turn back. He is not a bad or cruel man but he doesnt know how to love me.

[TheOriginalFAB]

Why is him using a condom such a huge issue? Maybe mulberry doesn't want to get pregnant. I understand people are implying he knows he has an infection.

[sternface]

I'm sorry OP but I think you're barking up the wrong tree here. You keep saying he doesn't comment about other women, lust after them in front of you, or go to the pub and pull. That's because he's not interested in a relationship with a woman. He's only interested in using women for sex. He sees women as sex objects and as not fully human. He puts you into a different category, hence he doesn't want sex with you.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Somewhat inadvisedly (mea culpa, the hour was late), I used the term 'cheap whore' in an attempt to indicate the difference between working women who earn their living (and in many cases pay taxes/nat. insurance) from providing sexual services to men and women, and those who can be found selling their bodies on the streets for low cost primarily to feed their drug habits.

Similarly, many strippers who work clubs and other venues are trained dancers and members of Equity - I know several who fall into this category and find it objectionable when their chosen profession is demeaned by association with prostitution - to some extent, we all prostitute ourselves but that's another debate entirely.

I hear what you're saying LancsDad but I would venture to suggest that although no money changed hands after punters had paid the entrance fee to the events you attended, the 'strippers' in question would have been paid a sum commeasureate with the 'extra' services they were expected to provide over and above removing their clothes.

In any event, anyone who is offered sexual services as part of a private or package deal does not have to accept and it would, therefore, seem that the OP's husband has a problem with the words 'No, thank you' - athough he doesn't seem to have any issue with saying 'not tonight, babe' to his wife.

sternface has touched on the subject of the madonna/whore syndrome which conflicts some males; many rapists/murderers are similarly conflicted - some are currently detained in Broadmoor and other secure establishments.

The OP's husband may benefit from counselling/therapy, but there is no guarantee that he can easily be dissauded from indulging himself in porn and other aspects of the sex industry.

I feel for the OP in this situation. Sadly, only she can decide whether her sham of a marriage is worth continuing.