I hope someone can give me some advice/ insight - I will try not to make this longer than it needs to be....
My parents split up when I was 11 (30 years ago!). We were living abroad and my dad had been having an affair with a much younger (17yrs younger) woman who he subsequently married and is now my SM.
We moved back to the UK, my dad had 2 kids (now grown up) with his wife and still lives abroad. For the rest of my childhood we saw them maybe a week or two a year plus a couple of short visits from my dad to the UK.
The relationship with my SM has always been difficult. I never rejected her, demanded to see my dad without her or kicked up any sort of fuss - from my dad's point of view it was always important to make her feel comfortable - that was clear - and my sister and I picked up on this and I think were just desperate to be with my dad when we could.
I went through a couple of holidays with them being a bit sulky though - typical teenage stuff - really nothing more than being fairly monosyllabic. This was used from then on as evidence that I was extremely difficult. My SM obviously found it very trying to spend time with my sister and me.
When my dad moved back to the UK in my early 20s (close to where I was living) I was banned from their house (no reason given). I had to meet my dad at the pub if I wanted to see him. I found this deeply distressing but when I confronted my dad about it he said he couldn't do anything, my SM would leave him.
I was eventually allowed to visit them again but my dad asked me every time not to "seem too happy", not to talk about my job or fun things I was doing because it made my SM jealous.
I sat down with them both and said I wanted to put the past behind us, and forge a good relationship with them and would do everything I could to achieve that.
Since then (15 years now?) I have been SO careful to never put a foot wrong. However cold my SM has been I have been polite, charming, grateful etc etc I have basically pretended there isn't an issue - as has my dad. Though we still see them pretty rarely - maybe stay 2 nights a year at their house.
I have however built a better relationship with my dad - we skype often and I feel we are much closer.
I now have 2 children who adore my dad but have met my SM only a handful of times. Recent visits have been very strained - she is clearly not happy we are there.
Over a week's holiday this summer (a rare event) her dislike of us and determination to avoid spending time with us became so obvious that the kids were noticing as were other old family friends who we were were spending time with. She also prevented my dad spending time with us. She said "What am i supposed to do while you are playing grandad?". When we got back I felt I had to speak to my dad about it. Apparently she says, we are not her children, my kids are not her grandchildren, any time she sees us it reminds her that she is the 2nd wife and she doesnt want that reminder. (My dad was married when they met remember). I get the feeling we are "banned" again.
My dad says they have been having huge rows about it, her behaviour is appalling, he thinks she needs counseling, he says even HER parents think her behaviour is awful and totally unjustified but he doesn't know what to do about it.
I find it very difficult that my dad allows her to treat me like this. And now I feel my kids are getting sucked in to this poison.
My question is how should I handle this? The injustice eats away at me. All I have ever wanted from the day my parents divorced is to be accepted by her and be part of the family.
Sorry this is so long. Had to get it off my chest.