FINALLY LEFT HIM - WORRIED FOR MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SON...HELP

[Podders]

I have been on before and received massive help and support in terms of leaving my husband who I didn't trust and was and still is a control freak.

I won't go into all the details now as my main concern is for my DS. 10 years old. I feel my husband is brainwashing him.

We had agreed formally and he promised he would never not let this change, that we would equally share parenting and always explain to DS through this difficult period that us living apart is for the best to make us all happy.

After 4 weeks, EX DH emails 3 pages to explain better if DS stays with him during the school week as its more comfortable for him as it is what he has known all these years, and DS said this was his wish. (not the words of my DS im sure)

When DS came to me next day, it transpires, through careful conversation, that EX DH had sat him down for a chat and asked him if he wanted anything changing.

I have now been to a solicitors to get the ball rolling with divorce, etc, but primarily to get set in stone equal parenting and a 'schedule' / 'calendar' for want of better words.

They said he has been irresponsibile and cannot do this. They have written to him.

My DS at times feels distant and angry with me, although he constantly tells me he loves me, as do i, he says he isnt angry and he loves me. But I feel something underlying he is not able to tell me.

What is the best way to talk to him to open him up with me? I know my EX DH will just be 'telling him stuff' whereas I am not a dictator in that way - if you know what i mean.

Any comments, experience welcomed. Thanks

YOu have to be as honest as possible with your son, and make sure he knows that his father leaving is nothing to do with him.

Both your ex and your primary concern should be with your son, he should take priority, no silly bollocks. Kids always come first.

Sit down the three of you and work something out, let your son decide what he wants to do, don't let him be pushed around.

Whatever you do, don't play ex dh's game and try to make your ds take sides with you. Be honest with him and let him know you both still love him dearly.

Trust me, in just a few years, he'll put the pieces together himself and appreciate you for not bad mouthing his dad.

My parents split up when I was maybe 6, but they handled it so well that I was just excited we now had 2 houses! It wasn't till I was much older that I put the pieces together and realized how bad things were but by then, I couldn't have any I'll feeling towards my dad.

Whatever happens keep your ds in mind and speak to DH about it too. To make things as easy for him as possible.

Jesusgirl -thanks that is my line and feelings at the moment, but it so hard when he is playing dirty. Hopefully I can remain decent with the help of the solicitor to pass the flack onto.

DS was so excited he had 2 houses, and wanted totell all his friends when he went back to school, then he said, he wasnt going to as everyone in the village would know.!!! They are the words and feelings of my ex DH not my DS.

But dont want to keep filling him with mixed messages, so just try and have completley happy times with him, without much questioning, but at the same time trying to make sure he is ok and has anything he wants to talk about.

Glad you worked it out in the end.

I have a step daughter also (ex DH's) and she said the same, as the same realisation happened to her when ex DH left her and mum initially. We are really close still and she struggles to be the same with her Dad.

Time will tell, as long as im doing the right thing, i can be patient.