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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

to stay with cheating husband?

41 replies

unknownmember · 15/09/2011 03:52

I've changed my name as i am so embarrassed.

I was checking something on my husbands email as we both know each others account details. And i found he had activated an old email account and i became curious as to why. And found he had asked a question on yahoo.

He cheated on me 4 weeks ago with an escort. Unprotected oral and vaginal sex. Has had sex with me since. And i'm pregnant and breastfeeding our 9 month old. He has gone for tests for STDs and HIV. How could he??

He's not the man i thought he was and i dont know if i can recover from this. Or how to recover. I always thought that once something like this happened i would be the strong woman who would respect herself enough to leave. But i have a child and another one on the way.

I'm so upset, so hurt. And i have no-one i can tell.

OP posts:

fanjobanjowanjo · 15/09/2011 08:49

How did he arrange sex with an escort if he was so wasted? I'd be asking more questions about who and what went on.

Look after yourself, I am so sorry he's been such a cunt to you. I'd definitely get checked by the doctor - he's lied about this so he could be lying to you about the sexual health side of it too. There's no way he knows for sure he didn't contract HIV at this point is there? (correct me someone if I'm wrong!)

ImpyCelyn · 15/09/2011 08:56

Nope, he can't know for sure about HIV at this point. He could have it, and have passed it on to the whole family by now.

OP you need to see a lawyer, he can probably be prosecuted for endangering you all by doing this.

ENormaSnob · 15/09/2011 08:57

Deal breaker for me.

His actions are unforgivable IMO

it takes longer than a few weeks to get the all clear for HIV/hepatitis

TheRealMBJ · 15/09/2011 08:59

You're right fanjo it depends on the tests used but usually there is a 'window period' of between 3-6 months where the antibodies may not be detectable. So you won't know until at least 3 months have passed.

I have also answered in relationships, but regardless of whether he slept with her (unprotected) when so drunk he cannot remember much (but sober enough to get it up and remember that it did' in fact happen ) he cam home and had unprotected sex with you while you are pregnant and breastfeeding

This he did not do while drunk.

Sookeh · 15/09/2011 08:59

"he's a great dad"

I'm sorry OP, but great fathers do not endanger their children the way that he has done.

I'm also not sure he's telling the truth WRT the escort/unprotected sex. Escorts are usually incredibly careful about that sort of thing aren't they? It's highly unusual for them to have unprotected sex with clients.

I couldn't forgive my DH if he did something like this. Maybe I could forgive him for cheating, I don't know, but I'd never be able to forgive him for endangering the health of my children. Utterly despicable.

I'm sorry this has happened to you

SheCutOffTheirTails · 15/09/2011 09:19

Of course you can ignore his tears.

FFS why do so many women think that if a man cries it's such a rare and special event that they must do whatever it takes to make it stop?

Abusive, shit men, such as the one you are married to, always turn on the waterworks when they want to get away with something unforgivable.

He's just trying to manipulate you.

sternface · 15/09/2011 09:30

Unfortunately it's a myth that all prostitutes insist on protection. Especially abroad, some charge more for sex without a condom, but I'm probably more surprised that there are "escorts" in the States that would do this, than I would be about the UK.

On the other hand, the whole thing might be a pack of lies anyway. This might have been a street prostitute, a one night stand or a colleague with which there's an ongoing relationship. It's possible it's an affair and they had unprotected sex one night, but this ridiculous man didn't even want to admit this on Yahoo.

You sure as hell don't "have to" get past this OP. Your cruel partner knowingly exposed you and your DCs to untold risks.

HerHissyness · 15/09/2011 09:33

Ignore what tears? HIS tears?????

MOST of them cry when CAUGHT love.

HE PAID A WOMAN FOR SEX.... while your were PG, and with such a young baby already too.

cheekeymonkey · 15/09/2011 09:45

Where in the book of 'good fathers' does it say "willingly endanger the life of your wife and children to make them love you even more"?
You are also now carrying another womans yeast infection?
What does it take for you to react?

PopcornMouse · 15/09/2011 12:06

Disgusting! This man is not a "good father" - a good father would not risk passing potentially life-threatening STDs to his children, no matter how small the risk/liklihood.

Maurice1079 · 18/01/2016 15:26

This may not be the right forum, but I have to ask somewhere. I cheated on my wife over 8 yrs ago. I confessed it all to her and she said she would never sleep with me again. We have never slept in the same room since and our son is almost 18 now. I have continued to provide as a husband should even though she does not work. I have learned to understand how devastating this is for women, and I have have tried to mend the bridge. Although I am getting nowhere, probably never will, I just want men to know that it is never worth it. You can never make up for an act like that. Thank you for letting me say my piece

1DAD2KIDS · 18/01/2016 19:38

Personally seeking as awful as betrayal is I think it's a sliding scale. If seems his betrayal was mainly a stupid sexual gratification thing rather than a full blow emotional and sexual afair. I was willing to forgive my cheating ex wife when I thought she had only had a stupid fling. As we married young, people are human and can make stupid mistakes, plus I loved her more than anything. Unfortunately for me it turned out to be far more than a fling. I would say dont rush into making a rash choices, have a bit of space and wait till things calm down. Choices made when emotions are raw often go against rational judgement. On the whole he has always been great ask your self if this is a one off stupid mistake? If so can it be saved? Do you want to save it? It may be worth trying some marriage councilling at least? But remember to protect your self and keep the evedence in case things don't work out. What ever you decide take care and good luck.

bakingaddict · 18/01/2016 20:14

I just wanted to put your mind at rest regarding the HIV tests. HIV has an incubation period of 14 - 21 days. Way back it was necessary to wait 6 months before getting the all clear but most up to date tests detect the p24 antigen which is detectable in very early infection so the waiting for months to know by relying on antibody response is no longer strictly true

magoria · 18/01/2016 20:20

Guys this thread is over 4 years old!

You may want to start a new thread of your own Maurice1079 if you want advice.

1DAD2KIDS · 19/01/2016 06:07

Well spotted. Must remember to check the date of origin

saucymom12 · 29/08/2017 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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