Great Dad but horrible person: am I wrong to leave?

[Tamz77]

This relates to my ex partner, with whom I have a two yr old son. Atm he sees ds for 2 days per week, with me present since I am still breast-feeding. Ex is a loving and attentive dad and ds adores him, 'Dadda'was just about his first word. Thing is, I am planning (or hoping) to move away, about as far as i can get (ie 400 miles +), specifically to escape my son's father. He has his moments of kindness but unfortunately they are widely spaced between prolonged bouts of emotional abuse and paranoia. He calls me a c**t, mentally ill (neurotic, autistic), evil, cold, repressed, self-obsessed, heartless, and a liar about everything I say. He rolls his eyes whenever i speak to him, tells me to shut up, or ignores me completely. He also has random outbursts attacking me as a parent eg that I am happy to ruin my son's life by sending him to school (I know, very random). He really is the only source of unhappiness in my life and i would love to be free of him. But does anybody think that this would be a terrible thing to do to my son? If i could emigrate, I would - in a second.

I also admit to not agreeing with ex's parenting a lot of the time; he is great fun for days out and songs but smokes, gets paralytically drunk on a regular basis, swears, is lazy, has an awful nasty streak and general cynicism and hatred of humanity, school, jobs, life in general. He actually dumped me when/because i got pg, then changed his mind. I did give things another go but tbh didn't fancy him anymore (overweight, nasty and with some nasty habits) and didn't enjoy being treated as a skivvy in my own house (ex's view being that women are made to look after men and the sooner we all accept this, the better).

Sorry to drone on and do tell me if i sound too judgemental or like an extract from the Daily Mail. But I honestly do fear for my son's development if he grows up influenced by a father who hates his mother (and he does not hide this in front of ds), who has such a negative attitude to everything, and who spends so much time drinking, moaning and calling all women 'c**ts'.

I have tried talking about this to ex but all he can say is that there is nothing wrong with him, it's all me, and that if I leave our town he will hate me forever more.

Can fatherless kids ever really grow up well adjusted and happy? Especially boys?

Advice?

Would he try and stop you from moving away and does he actually want to look after his son on those two days. He certainly isnt a good role model but these things can be tricky.No advise as I havent been in this situation but I hope you can come to an agreable solution if thats possible.

Better off without him, IMHO, you and your son!

If he treats you the way you say, I wouldn't hesitate in putting space between the two of you. If he continues this way, your son may well start believing what his father is saying ie he shouldn't be going to school etc.

Btw my girls said dada first too, dd2 still has not mastered mama at the grand old age of 1.3 (I'm trying not to take it personally).

I think it is absolutely necessary that you get your son as far away from this man as possible. Your ex is demonstrating hatred of women (you, in particular, but his insults are classic attacks on womenkind). It's just as serious as racism. If your ex was spouting neo-Nazi rubbish, you'd take your son away, wouldn't you?

Go asap before this poisonous moron infects your boy with his appalling views.

If you were to stay with this man there is a high probability that your son as an adult would inflict such views of the world on another female.

I take it as read that contact was done informally between you both and there is no contact centre involvement?. I honestly feel that if the legal process was involved he would not have been given any access to you (you are present when he sees his son) at all.

I think that you need to seek legal advice as soon as possible re this situation as he could may well make things difficult for you.

My father died when I was very young and obviously I would be a different person if he had lived but in answer to your question re:boys growing up happy if fatherless - I don't see why not. Obviously it will affect and form their personality but TBH it sounds like having your ex for a father is bound to make a child unhappy.

In the thread title you say "great dad".

What exactly is great about him? Everything you have said is negative and it seems to me he is giving no positive parenting to your son whatsoever.

For your son's sake you must leave him asap. And you are worth much more than this, you must believe that, you know.

Thanks for all your replies. I guess when I said 'great dad' I meant a much-loved dad. Visiting him is the highlight of my son's week and ex is really good fun for him, joins in on soft play, reads on demand, sings etc. I guess what I am worried about is in ten or fifteen years having ds despise me for moving him away from a father who was, to him, wonderful.

This is more of a concern to me because my part-time dad saved my childhood; he and my mum were divorced but she was pretty awful as parents go, without my father there to dilute her influence I would either be dead by now or a similarly awful parent myself.

I think Colditz says it all tbh.

poor you Tamz77. The reality is that all kids think their parents are fabulous up to a certain age, esp dads for some reason, it's like a kind of hero worship. But eventually they start to see a parents as a human beings in their own right, with all their flaws - although this doesn't come til much later. I would be very worried that further exposure to your ex might start having a negative effect on your ds in his attitudes and behaviour. I have close friend who, altho her ex wasn't quite as 'nasty' as your seems to be, was a very bad influence and the end came when she found out he'd been dealing from her house one night when she left him babysitting. When she got home he was passed out on the couch with a packet of white powder next to him (which would have been in full view of her ds had got up and come downstairs). she kicked him out and he basically didn't show his face again. This was when the ds was 2, like yours, and he's now 9. He's a delight and a credit to his mum and nana. He knows about his dad and doesn't as yet know the specific details for him not being around but trusts his mum when she tells him that his dad wasn't very nice at times and that's why they don't see him. It CAN be done, is what I'm trying to say in a long-winded way! Good luck