I'm a slut and he won't let go

[fridakahlo]

My first ever thread. Husband and I have been married for six years. During that time neither of us have felt that our relationship is happy or healthy. Recently things came to a head as I had been going around and indulging in SandM sex with outside partners. As a consequence of this I spent five weeks in London trying to figure out whether to go back as husband wanted to work on things and I was less convinced. in the end I have come back and we have had one session of marriage counselling. But this afternoon I was back around 6pm with the kids having had my phone die whilst we were out and as a consequence we had a blow up row. I have again tried to tell the husband I think it is over and we are just too unhealthy toghether. This has been met with threats (over the children and custody), tearful pleading and now reasoned arguments why that should not be the case.
Help anyone?

What is the underlying problem (or problems) and why do you think that you are 'just too unhealthy together'?

What would it take to make your relatonship happy and healthy?

Hi Frida, I'm wondering if it might be worth persevering with the counselling? It may help you both to look at things more objectively and weigh up what to do?

There are some mental health problems on my side. I have been diagnosed with depression and in the past he has been less than supportive with this. When I started my eighteen months of theraphy, I was in a pretty unbearable place. I turned to him for support and was pushed away with a comment, something along the lines of "well, you've got to be able to bear it." That is not the only incident I can name. Just an example. Not unsurprisingly I have withdrawn emotionally. We moved to the states a year and a half ago and one of the things we agreed is that if I felt the need, I would be able to engage with a counseller. In April, I brought this up and was dismissed.
His problems with me range from me being lazy around the house and failing to keep things together. I am also I admit a selfish person who does put myself first.
Happy? Me being a lot more independent and self sufficent. I've recently started writing again as some sort of way of doing this. And for him to be less controlling. This is something that most friends and family have picked up on.

We have only had one session and maybe it would be. I don't want to have to justify my every move to him though and if I don't have him freak out to the point of threatening to end it and then backtracking as soon as I state that really as my preference. He has apologised for it, but I think at the moment I would rather be somewhere where I don't have to even worry about it as a possibility.
It's probably quite clear that headwise neither of us is in a good place at the moment.

Depression can make us more inward looking which can seem selfish to those who are not afflicted. Have you been prescribed any medication and are you currently seeing a counsellor?

Are you hoping to become financially self-sufficient from writing? Do you have any other employment at the moment?

Where does your prediliction for S&M feature in your relationship with your h? Is this something you both enjoy with each other and with outside parties, or does he feel that you are putting yourself (and him) at risk by engaging in S&M sessions with strangers?

You've said your h is controlling; has he always been this way or has this tendency emerged since your depression began?

How many dc do you have and did they come to London with you? Do you have family/friends there, and are you back in the USofA now?

Well if you are sure about wanting to split up, what do you want from here?

Do you want validation that you have the right to end a relationship if you are not happy? You do have that right!

Do you want to feel you are not being selfish trying to stay together for the DCs? It is not selfish - even when you have DCs. It is more beneficial to them to co-parent with your H at a distance if you are not happy together.

Some people can feel very panicky at the thought of splitting up even when they know it is the best way forward. You can reassure your H that you will still care about him just not as a partner.

I am on medication but not really stable. We have currently been looking at the possiblity that it is something more than just straightforward depression. I have an appointment with a pyschiatrist next tuesday to discuss this. I am a sahm and no I don't see the writing as something for the moment that would allow me to be financially independant. If we did and I went back to the UK I would be looking to take employment where ever I could, be that cleaning or anything.
The s and m is not a feature of our relationship and yes he does feel that I and he are endangered by it. I have stopped for the moment, part of the agreement of me coming back.
He's always been controlling/in charge.
We have on dd who is five and one ds who is 31 months. He kept them whilst I was in London using a nanny, despite the fact I was staying with my mother, he did not feel I could be trusted to look after them.

And yes I want to leave, but I am being told this is wrong of me and that I am/might be ill and should wait for that to be sorted as well as give the counselling more of a chance.

If you know that you are not really stable then perhaps waiting till next week when you've seen the dr might be a good idea before you make any decisions about your future.

However that is separate to being pressured into relationship counselling if you don't want it. It is entirely your decision. You should not have to feel pressured in to going.

If you come back to the UK it will inevitably take some before you can see a mental health professional during which period your current 'depression' could worsen.

As you'll be seeing a pyschiatrist in less than a week's time, I would advise you to go with flow as much as possible until you have a diagnosis at which point you will be better placed to make life-changing decisions which will impact on your dc with the help of qualified personnel if necessary.

Your dh may be a controller by nature but, nevertheless, if you have been exposing yourself to danger, and putting him at risk of std, by having S&M sessions with strangers without his consent, or without his knowledge, it is not too difficult to understand why he may lack trust in your ability to care for yourself and, by default, your dc.

Given recent events in your relationship, if he was concerned that you and dc were not home when he expected you to be, and if he was unable to contact you on your mobile, this might explain the blow up row you had earlier.

My concern is that you've described yourself as a slut and putting yourself in stranger danger could be a form of self-harm.

Obviously I can't see the bigger picture but it could be that your dh is, in your view, behaving as a paternal figure and you are effectively acting out against what you perceive as his authoritarian behaviour.

Regardless of your 18 months of therapy, it could be that you have a residue of long-term unresolved issues which may currently be adversely affecting your judgement. If this is the case, marriage counselling may be ineffectual until you have addressed any underlying malcontent within yourself that may be manifesting itself in your relationship with your h.

I'm curious as to why you chose your mn name. Do you feel that you can particularly relate to Frida rather than any other artist?

Izzy you talk lots of sense. We have just talked and we have kind of agreed that being friends for the moment is the way to go, whilst continuing with the marriage counselling but with my pyschiatery as the priority. And yes the self-harm stranger danger thing is very astute. And the paternal thing is absolutly spot on too. And I feel totally unable to trust my judgement ever at the moment. The term slut, for me, is a desciption for a women of sexual proclivity, in this case an accurate term.
Frida Kahlo is to me, a great artist who I can relate to. Her relationship with Diego and others is particurly relevant.

Especially Trotsky. I would have liked to have met him. One of these days I'm gonna haul my ass to Coyoacan and visit Frida's museo.

But I digress.

Whether or not your perceptions of your dh are somewhat skewed at the moment, it seems that he is someone who has your, and your dc's, best interests at heart.

As you may not have made many close friends in th US I would suggest that, for the time being, you allow him to look out for you and keep you safe from yourself.

IME we generally do things for a reason, even if the reason may not always be clear to us until after the event. Think about why you chose a controlling man, one who likes to be in charge, to be your OH and the father of your dc, and also why you chose S&M - by definition a form of punishment which uses bondage - to break free of whatever chains or ties you believed he, or society in general, was/is using on you.

Again very perceptive, dare I say that the controlling nature appeals to the worse side of me.
If your near Chichester then go down to the Pallant Gallery and catch the diego/frida exhibiton before it ends in October. My mother took me when I was in the Uk and it once again confirmed to me what a fantastic artist she is.