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Relationships

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Original poster

what do you consider to be the key to a happy marriage/relationship?

43 replies

juicychops · 14/09/2011 16:04

me and my bf are doing eachother's heads in at the moment. today we are both writing a list of all the things we dislike about eachother and the things we would like to improve. tonight we will discuss it together

are any relationships perfect without the arguing and the 'doing in of eachother's heads'?

what do you consider to be key to a happy relationship?

OP posts:

RightUpMyRue · 14/09/2011 20:17

Having lots of laughs and lots of sex.

tethersend · 14/09/2011 20:19

Rohypnol.

wicketkeeper · 14/09/2011 20:46

What do you consider to be key to a happy relationship?

Finding the right bloke. The one you can't live without. The one who makes you glad to be you.
Making sure you do as much as you possibly can for the other person. Both of you.
Enjoying each other's company but also able to allow each other space to do your own thing.
And if you can't think of something nice to say, don't say anything.

Proudnscary · 14/09/2011 20:55

Not common interests, but definitely common values - that is vital.

Mutual respect.

Friendship.

Wine.

Rindercella · 14/09/2011 21:28

Firstly, no relationship is 'perfect'. Imo, such a thing does not exist. Which is why so many speak of 'compromise' within marriage/relationships. There will always be something you don't like so much about someone, but what makes a happy marriage is loving and wanting to be with someone, regardless of their faults....that their good points far outweigh their not so good points. If you are looking for perfection, you'll probably be looking for a very long time. That said, if the negatives outweigh the positives then you should definitely question whether or not the relationship is worth continuing.

For me, it was that my husband was also my best friend (and vice versa). We could chat about anything and even if we argued, we never lost our mutual love and respect. That's what worked for us.

I think you must have similar values, but not necessarily the same interests. Respect each other, want to be with each other but still allow the other space. Communicate - listen as well as talk, take an interest. Sex....lots and lots of good sex.

Please don't make a list about the bad stuff - it will just aggravate your current situation and you will both end up resenting each other. If you have to write a list, then tell each other what works...tell him what you like him doing, how you like him being. Try to remember why you are with him and what you love about him.

gigglepin · 14/09/2011 21:31

Individuality.
seriously, i have kept my intersts which do not include my husband, he ahs his too.
We do not do everything together.

Respect, we are polite and respectful, no swearing or anything like that.

Works well, we have been together for 18 years and i love the bones of him, think he does me to.

sjuperwolef · 14/09/2011 21:36

i just love dp, he can be a mardy prick but i love him and would walk thru fire and brimstone for him. he'd happily say he'd let me rot in hell but i know for a fact im his world

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 14/09/2011 21:45

For us it's......,compromise

We can't always have everything our own way otherwise couples would be at loggerheads. Alternatively there's an imbalance if the same person has it all their own way

confidence · 14/09/2011 21:49

Objectivity. Understanding that the other person is the generator of their own life, based on many factors stretching back to their childhood and DNA that are far to deep to be under your control, or even within your understanding. Ability to enjoy the parts you can interact with and relate to, while not panicking about the parts you can't, feeling the need to control them or thinking there's something wrong with the relationship because you don't match up like a mirror image every second of every day.

And similar attitudes to practical concerns about how you want to live your life. Do you want to have kids? How much / when? How important is money? Do you want to have well paying, high pressured regular jobs? Or piss about travelling the world and doing evening courses? Etc etc.

follyfoot · 14/09/2011 22:41

I asked DH what made a happy relationship, hoping for a deep and lovely answer....

Apparently its being able to wear big comfy pants whenever you feel like it. And that goes for both of us he says.

Shrugs.

lemonstartree · 14/09/2011 22:42

respect
Trust
kindness
selflessness - doing things to make your partner happy/feel loved.

If you have these things you wont go far wrong....I believe

LemonDifficult · 14/09/2011 22:46

If you are both knackered, each of you should try to be the one that offers the other a cup of tea.

Have sex a lot, even when you think you don't feel like, try to feel like it. (Sorry, lots of people don't like to hear that, but I am of course assuming that you have had the sense not to become a life partner of someone callous or overbearing.)

Make friends together, have fun together, have joint hobbies.

corriefan · 14/09/2011 23:20

Turn the list into nice things you can do for each other. Focusing on the bad things is a terrible idea.

Everytime you want to criticise your dh, instead of looking for evidence to support your claim, look at your own behaviour and ask yourself truly if you haven't done the same or an equivalent.

Be interested in what he says and does.

Try and be aware of when you are tired or irritated and are allowing it to impinge on your behaviour towards him. Ask for a hug.

If you don't want to clean something, don't clean it!

I once heard that you know a relationship is doomed when you stop thinking what you can do for the other and start thinking what they should do for you.

NinkyNonker · 15/09/2011 13:20

Be a team, stand up for each other.

Always want the best for each other.

Respect.

Value their opinions and contributions.

Be gentle with each other.

Be considerate, try to look after each other.

Try to hug each other a lot!

Shared dreams/hopes/ambitions.

Abgirl · 15/09/2011 13:27

Most of the above, particularly shared dreams/ambitions

Plus not making everything a competition (no, I'm the most tired....)

And getting enough sleep

Having a relationship - going on dates, the odd night away just the two of you

Greensleeves · 15/09/2011 13:29

I don't think there is one

it either works or it doesn't, and sometimes it works....and then it doesn't

I think there are as many recipes for successful relationships as there are couples - it depends on a fragile balance of what makes you tick and what you can and can't tolerate

dh and I make each other laugh a lot, and we know each others' weakness and love each other for them rather than despite them

which means we can tolerate quite a bit of shit from each other before things get really rocky

MordechaiVanunu · 15/09/2011 13:47

Well for me what I need for a happy marriage is different from what I needed in happy reaktionships, which were good but ultimately didn't last.

In my marriage I need and appreciate:

Space- I really need this long term. Short term in the early loved up days I can do the 'you're my world and I want to be touching you all the time' thing. But it's short lived, and ultimately I love the fact Dh is not needy for my attention and affection a lot.

Knowing we are team, always support each other when needed and are there when needed.

We want the same things in life and have the same core values.

At this stage what we both want is to be with our children and have a happy family.

All this sounds dull compared to the 'I adore his bones' type thing that is important for some people, but it's working for us and making us happy.

Original poster

juicychops · 15/09/2011 18:34

Hi everyone thanks for all your replies.

Me and dp had our talk last night and our list exchanging. It was a real eye opener and a brilliant idea.

it was more about the things we each need to improve rather than things we dislike. It made me look at myself and the way i am, probably more than i ever have done before.

We were chatting until gone midnight. Im really glad we have done this. I was pretty sure it wouldn't backfire, and it didn't. We are both quite similar in our stubberness and our inability to admit our faults, but we were really honest with eachother and have discussed the things we are each going to work on. mine is mostly my nagging!

OP posts:

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