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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how do i get over cheating

49 replies

emmaplus3 · 14/09/2011 12:34

hi
i found out my patener had cheated on me when i was pregnent with my youngest and now i am pregnent again with my 4th. I found out he fathered a baby with this women and he says he dose not want to see it but i am very worried that he is just saying what he wants me to hear. We are still together as i do love him and so badly want to forget it but how can i knowing that this child is always out there as we do have to pay csa for it to anyone got any ideas as i am makeing my self ill beeing sick in the morning and i am sniping at my patener and i do feel very hurt but do i just forget about it and start fresh and deal with life as and when it comes round for my own mind.

OP posts:
emmaplus3 · 14/09/2011 13:47

i am only 26 yes but my mothering is not the issue i am a good mother and my kids want for nothing why do peoople think because you are young you dont know a thing i an the same age as my mum when she had her kids i dont live on benifits and earn my own money

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 14/09/2011 14:13

If she's the local bike what does that make him? He chose to have sex with her while he was living with you and while you were pregnant with his child.

You say this happened when 'there was no chance for any thing' between the two of you, yet he found a chance to make something (namely, a child) happen between him and another woman.

On a practical level if there is genuine reason to believe that the child may not be your dp's. he is best advised to organise a paternity test.

If the child is his, I hope you will find it in yourself to welcome him/her into your family and try to build a civilsed relationship with the child's mother.

When you found out what he'd been up to you were understandably extremely hurt and said many things in the heat of the moment but this doesn't make you a bad person.

I expect you've had his nuts in the wringer over his affair; personally I'd give the handle a few more turns before I was satisfied that he'd at least think twice before he drops his pants for another woman.

Once my trust in someone has been destroyed I can never being myself to trust them again, but only you know whether you are prepared to forgive your dp for cheating on you, and only time will tell whether you can trust him again.

Unfortunately, no-one can undo the past and you are going have to find a way of living with the memory of his duplicity, and the consequences of his stupidity, if you intend to continue living with him.

emmaplus3 · 14/09/2011 14:18

i cant say what was going off in his head at the time and hope has learned from this

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 14/09/2011 14:36

Would you have heard about his "affair" if it had not resulted in a child??

I'm sorry and I know you love him but once can be classed as a mistake, twice is classed as a habit!

Personally I would be unable to trust him again.
Be careful, and look after yourself.

fulllife · 14/09/2011 14:38

hi, i think its obv totally your choice to stay with him, and a v legitimate one as well! not condoning what he did, but i agree that sometimes its braver to stay than to go, and the better choice. its up to u to choose of course.

anyway my two cent:
since most men do probably cheat over the course of a lifetime relationship given the opportunity, take comfort in the fact that you are so not alone...much more people are dealing with what you have to than likely admit it.
maybe it helps to think of your family in two decades or so- ive seen families where the husband had strayed stick together, and in fact being incredibly close ( also the husband and wife) and enjoying life after the years have passed.

if this happened to me i would also tough it out, not tell a soul(friend) about it, tell him to earn more(no way i would allow him to make us suffer financially for his mistake), and make sure i take care of myself emotionally and spiritually through other sources.

you know, you could also deal with this by being extremely dignified!
anyway i guess if this is the choice ur making there is probably a lot more to your relationship than the fidelity issue and u are probably being very dignified already dealing with this in such a calm manner...

pink4ever · 14/09/2011 15:42

You are quite right-young mum doesnt nessacarily mean bad mum. But can you please explain to me what the job is you do that you can afford 4 dcs of your own plus paying for your dh's love child? I have 3 dcs and my dh has a very good job and we barely manage to live!
If you are determined to stay with this cocklodger then you need to get the full story from him-stop blaming her and tell him to man the fuck up.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2011 15:46

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AnyFucker · 14/09/2011 15:50

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RogerMelly · 14/09/2011 15:57

he needs to learn how to put a condom on

TheOriginalFAB · 14/09/2011 16:02

PMSL AF!!

Bogeyface · 14/09/2011 16:14

Pink, how is that in any way relevant to the OPs problem? How she pays her bills is none of you damn business!

First things first, get a paternity test, done by a legitimate company. They are not cheap but it will save you in the long run if he isnt the father of the child.

Secondly, get in touch with Relate for some counselling. You cant deal with all this alone, no one could, and you owe it to yourself to get some help especially as you will have even more on your hands when the new baby comes.

Good luck

Bogeyface · 14/09/2011 16:14

your damn business, not you

ineedabodytransplant · 14/09/2011 16:57

he got the OW pregnant last August whilst you were pregnant with your youngest. And then you say you are pregnant with your 4th? Four children in just over a year?

Time scales seem all out unless I am being your usual stupid man?

Seems like you both need to grow up. Stop producing children like there's no tomorrow. I don't think either of you are mature enough to have a family.

(And punctuation really helps, in an understanding way not a procreating way..Grin)

ineedabodytransplant · 14/09/2011 17:00

fulllife,

sorry to disappoint you but most men do not cheat. I was married for over 35 years and even when the opportunity arose I didn't cheat because I belived in my marriage vows. And I don't know anyone within my close circle who has chated. Maybe I socialise with people who have morals, do you think?

You may want to change that to some men cheat, maybe?

ineedabodytransplant · 14/09/2011 17:02

believed
cheated

maybe I need to spend less time on morals and more time on spelling...Blush

RoyalWelsh · 14/09/2011 17:07

I need, I don't think her timescales are out. For example, her youngest child could have been born in, say, September. She says she found out about the affair that Christmas. She is now pregnant with her fourth child. At least, that's how I understood it...

SansaLannister · 14/09/2011 17:12

Have the Jeremy Kyle producers heard your story yet? Maybe it's time to let them know.

LittlePickleHead · 14/09/2011 17:25

Youngest I took to mean 3rd child, she is now pregnant with her 4th, that's not unbelievable surely?

Bogeyface · 14/09/2011 17:47

Why are people being to horrible to the OP based on, as it seems to me, her age and the number of children she has?

OK so the OPs post was a bit dodgy punctuation and spelling wise but we are all guilty of that occasionally! I cant help wondering whether someone who was 35 with 4 kids and a husband who is an accountant would get this type of treatment if her H had had a fling and got the other woman pg? I suspect not and I am disgusted with the Jeremy Kyle suggestions and the accusations that the OP is lying about her income!

Either offer her some constructive advice or dont post. But be spiteful and nasty, it says more about you than her. :(

AnyFucker · 14/09/2011 18:16

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AnyFucker · 14/09/2011 18:17

and my signpost to The Jezza Kyle Forum was pretty constructive, IMO

ineedabodytransplant · 14/09/2011 18:20

AF - Grin

Sorry, I was confusing myself(not too difficult) thinking the youngest was her first child..doh! Whixh is why I thought 4 kids in a short time

And as for spelling and punctuation it does help others to read a post clearly and be able to help

Bogeyface · 14/09/2011 19:09

Its easy to maintain a moral highground when you havent just found out that your husband has become a father but not with you. How many times on other cheating threads has the OW been called a whore or a slag or a slut? Loads. Why is that ok and this isnt? Lets face it, she might actually be the local bike! :o

We say and do alot of things that we shouldnt when we are angry at being betrayed, the OP has already admitted that banning the contact was wrong and was a knee jerk reaction.

It just seems to me that a nice middle class mummy with nice grammar and a career in cupcakes wouldnt get such a hard time.

As for not real, well it had occured but that doesnt stop the spite fest being wrong, she may well be real and I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2011 22:48

bogey, OP hadn't just found out, she has known for months, since last xmas in fact (allegedly)

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