Just a calming voice would be nice...

[atosilis]

My husband has just gone mental and blamed me for stuff that is in his imagination. And BREATHE.

I don't think gaslighting because he truly believes it. Once I had to get a calendar out to prove my point and he looked genuinely surprised that what he had believed was actually not the case.

How did he handle being conclusively proved wrong at the time?

He said, "Well that's what it feels like". He was howling that I had been out every Friday night for 6 weeks. Cue calendar for correction. He's turning his sensation of something into pure 'fact'. He has had a bad year...

or does he just make it up as he goes along to suit his own agenda??

It's interesting 'though that he conveniently doesn't recall things that put him in a poor light and the way he 'remembers' things make him 'put-upon'.

I couldn't live with it.

I'll see how tonight goes. Often if we have had a bad evening, by the time I get home, it isn't mentioned. I haven't brought any stuff with me to go to my parents. He doesn't want to go out and do anything but neither does he want to be left if I go out, so he thinks he is always being left alone. Last night kicked off because I suggested us going to the cinema. Money TO BURN dontcha know.

What is he, a dependent? "Left alone"?

Has he no life of his own? Too doddery to get out? Afraid of spoons or the dark or something?

He genuinely doesn't like going out. I once bought him a ticket for a game which he watches all the time. Cost sh*tloads and was a birthday pressie. When it came to the day, he didn't go as he would have a better view on tv.

I hasten to add that he wasn't like this when we met.

He's definitely depressed.

That's really sad for you re: the present, when you had made a special effort for him.

Stab in the dark: Do you think an element of it could have been some kind of defiance because the present came from you? Like with the suggested nights out: saying no to them in part just because you suggested it, when he prefers things to happen on his say-so?

Does he make plans and expect you to go along with them unquestioningly?

Is he doing anything about his depression?

No, it wasn't defiance, the whole travelling there, watching it, travelling back was just too much faff. He doesn't really make plans to do anything, he's not just saying 'no' to things I suggest, he doesn't want to go out. If we DO go out, on the way there he will say what time we need to leave by.

He's not doing anything about his depression. He had a checkup from the doc and I told him to say something but he didn't. I have found this counsellor (hasn't rung me back) but I might steal her! She can't do us both.

The age-old question crosses my mind: what are you getting out of this relationship?

He sounds a bore, a controlling bore, and (I think) a gaslighting bore and whether it's to do with his mental health or not, becomes irrelevant when he won't make any effort to address it.

The effect on you is the same whether he intends to break you down or not.

I would recommend the counselling for yourself. When you're living with someone who says the sun is blue, you lose your balance after a while. With a decent counsellor you'll be able to reaffirm your own identity, explore what's going on in your life and get a fix on what's normal ... all of which must be feeling pretty shaky atm!

Don't know what to suggest about your husband, but obviously you shouldn't be subjecting yourself to that level of abuse - and the fear of it - on a regular basis. Whatever the underlying causes, you need to be safe. Are you staying with your mum for a bit?

I don't get much out of it but I've known him since I was 19. We've been married for over 30 years, the last 10 have been bad but I can remember him when he was 22. (sweetheart emoticon)

I do understand that my mental health, for me (obv!), is paramount and I will take care to look after it. I can't be a daughter, sister, wife and mum without it.

Wow! delete the last list immediately and replace with

mum, daughter, sister and wife

Love, you are sticking with this for someone you haven't seen hide not hair of for over 10 years?!

You have said this guy is abusive, you are trying to cope with it, it's not going to get any better, the older you both get, the more he'll clamp down on you.

You need some space, proper space SOD HIM AND HIS BEING LEFT ALONE BUSINESS, that's infantile. given him the www.sitters.co.uk address and tell him to order a baby sitter if he can't be left alone in the house FFS!

This is no life, and it's only going to get worse.

What will it be like when you are retired, and HAVE no office to go to? Or have no parents left to go stay with? For me that was a real motivator, what would I do when DS left home... it'd have been just me and him? URGH! not thanks!