He said the cruellest thing he possibly could have

[PrettyDevastated]

Hi. Name changed as this is pretty personal, and as my new name suggests, I am pretty devastated.

Bit if background: I've had problems reaching orgasm for the past 8 months due to stress, anxiety and hormone problems. My OH is fully aware of my problem and how hard I'm finding it, how utterly frustrated I am and how I feel less of a woman.

I know it's been hard for him too, has made him insecure and bruised his ego a bit. But recently things have been improving a bit as I've been relaxing more and I finally felt a bit more normal. Anyway..

Last month we had sex and he was really trying to get me there, via foreplay, but after an hour I told him to stop as it wasn't happening. He lay down, looked at me and said,

"out of all the women I've slept with, none have taken as long to come as you"

I'm utterly devastated. I ran into the bathroom and was sobbing like I haven't sobbed in years, I was pretty inconsolable for about half an hour. He came straight in and looked completely puzzled with me being so upset, so I explained that I had opened up about my problem, which was very difficult for me. I've finally felt like things are improving and then he says that to me?!

Now, I moved on from this. I'm still hurt though and it's left lasting damage because when we now make love, all I can hear is him saying this. I haven't orgasmed since and I know it's because he said that and I'm worried I'm taking too long so it never happens.

Sorry for the essay. Any advice on how I move on from this?

Thank you perfectstorm you're right. We don't go out much anymore and the other suggestions you made are helpful. I have explained to him that it's not important that I come every time as I do enjoy it if I don't. And I said I don't want him stressing about me finishing either as he won't enjoy it much either. He did understand and things have been better since, it's still hard after he said that comment.

It is not the be all and end all and your dh needs to realise that.

but tbh I think that men see it as a bit of a rejection, and as women we probably would too if our h's didn't get an erection.

There is more to sex than orgasm and I would explain that to your dh.

That being said, I would have lost the will to live a bloody long time before half an hour...

Have you asked him to go to maybe one fixed session at Relate about that comment? Say it's just that it hurt so much it's been hard to forget and you would really appreciate the chance to talk it over together in a constructive way. It may be that you decide together on more sessions, or it may be that it finally gets into his thick skull that the way to turn you on is to make you feel loved for who you are, not as a hole between two legs.

The problem is sex is too much about his ego and too little about your connection. That may be insecurity on his part, but he's now made it insecurity on yours, too. Given how much of good marital sex is about trust, that's an issue worth addressing IMO.

If it's any comfort, as an outsider it couldn't me more obviously his insecurity if it were written in letters ten feet high in fire across the midnight sky. Bollocks did other women come faster. And even if they did - so what? Do you get brownie points for speed now, and nobody told me? "Oh baby, that was amazing - it was so quick!"

It's annoying when you just know it isn't going to happen that day, but IME it's just something that happens sometimes. He said something crap, but at least he wants you to have a good time. Could you try the 50 days of sexual contact (every day) someone on here suggested a while back? It's brilliant for taking the pressure off each occasion. No-one has to come, it just keeps your er hand in, so to speak.

Oh, that is a really horrible thing to say. An ex said that to me once, but it was a very casual relationship, and I thought he was just a .

I think you need to explain to your DH that his comment was hurtful and not useful. It may be difficult for him to understand that orgasm is not just physical. I'm sure he regrets saying something so insensitive, so give him the opportunity to apologise and discuss together how you can improve things. I would take the emphasis off orgasm, especially in intercourse. The bigger deal you make of it, the more elusive it will be.

Good luck.