chainsmoking m-inlaw - any advice?

[thebecster]

My motherinlaw is lovely in many ways - and she always means well, even when she's being a bit tactless. But she smokes 40 a day, and NOTHING comes between her & her ciggies. I'm asthmatic, & once had to go to hospital from her house because although she's been told many times that she can't smoke around me, she still lights up -she goes in the next room, but sometimes that isn't enough to stop me getting an attack 'cos the smoke drifts in. Other times when my DH isn't there she lights up saying 'you don't mind do you?' It's not that I mind, I just don't want to DIE! My DH has told her that she can't smoke around me while I'm pregnant & he agrees that she can't smoke around the baby. But I'm still really scared of going to her house. I've put up with having big asthma attacks in her house before but now I'm pregnant I feel much more protective of my health & my baby's health. I don't have to take my inhaler as long as I avoid smoke, but I react so badly to it... It's possible that the baby will be the same as both my parents are asthmatic, and my grandad died of it so it runs in our family. I'm even worried about her holding the baby, or bringing the baby to sleep in her house, because the whole place smells of smoke. But she's such a nice person, and she'll be devastated if she can't spend time with the baby. Has anyone else had to deal with this? Any advice?

My MIL smokes I refused to take the kids there for ages then when we did go we had to go in the lounge where nobody smokes I am still reluctant to go anyway because the smokes still lingers round the house & makes it & us stink

thebecster - difficult isn't it? but at the end of the day you've got to think of yourself and your baby. When I was pregnant with both of mine I refused to go anywhere if I knew it would be smokey and if anyone started smoking near me I moved.

Can your DH not talk to her ever so gently to make her realise how important this is? That she could kill you and harm the baby - it's either don't smoke while you're there or you won't go. Think of your health.

my fil smokes and I did visit when i was pg, although we sat in a different room when he smoked. Now dd is here he smokes only in th kitchen with the door and window open and in the dining room at night when she has gone to bed (internal doors closed). TBH, I can NEVER smell smoke in their house because it is aired so well and he limits where he smokes. I know they do air the house very well whenever we are due and never smoke in the room dd sleeps in. BUt we don't have the health issues that you have so I would definitely ask your dh to discuss with them. We were a bit unsure of how to broach it when dd was born but we didn't acually have to say anything, they just did it automatically. If being tactful doesn't work I would just stand up and leave the room, saying 'do you mind if I just nip outside while you finish that as I'm struggling a bit with asthma atm' Surely if you did this a couple of times the message owuld get across? If not, being blunt is the only answer or having her to your house with your 'rules'
HTH- I tend to ramble a bit!

I smoke. When my daughter was pregnant I smoked outside throughout her pregnancy. Baby is now 20 months and I smoke outside in my own home and outside at my daughters home. I smoke outside at my own house because my daughter is asthmatic and I don't want my beautiful grandson exposed to stale cigarette smoke. Dtr won't take him anywhere where there's a smoky environment. You and baby have to come first. A lot of people now smoke outside rather than in their homes. Just tell her this before baby arrives then it won't be a big shock - it's for baby's health.

That's awful, I smoke , but I do not smoke in the house or anywhere near my ds, I refuse to take him into a house where people smoke and try and avoid smokey atmospheres.
I know I sound a hypocrite because I smoke, but its really important to protect yourself and your db, so don't be shy about standing up and saying so.
Are you still going to be polite to your nice MIL when your baby has an asthma attack because of her smoking? Sometimes you just have to be brutal.

I am a humourless old cow today I fear, but it seems to me that she is not "such a nice person" if she is willing to let you be hospitalised instead of walking outside into the garden so that you and your foetus can have clean air to breathe. She is, in fact, a selfish, lazy bint.

Franny!! tell it like it is girl!

Well you've really got to agree with franny

Oh my MIL is just the same she doesn't believe in the link between passive smoking and cancer etc (told me this on Sunday) on Saturday we had my Mum over and it was freezing so I said to her she could hang her head out the kitchen door and make sure no smoke came in the house, I did smell some though I said "I can smell smoke and if I can smell it I'm breathing it and therefore my babies are breathing it too"! MIL also hung out window for her one cigarette whilst she was there.

When we visit them I phone about 30 mins in advance so they can fumigate the place with fresh air and they know that there is no smoking whilst we are there. If they lit up I literally would walk out. I also suffered from asthma, bronchitis and 100 chest infections when I was young.

I have zero tolerance of smokers now probably because I spent my childhood with a 60 a day Dad and a 30 a day Mum, I was always told when I complained that it was there house and if I don't like it theres the door! (Horrible thing to tell children IMO) so now they are in my house and have to abide by my rules. DP feels the exact same. Oh and if they do have a cigarette I ask them to wash their hands prior to touching DD (I'm a bitch!)

I wouldn't let the baby sleep in her house if she was going to smoke in it (sorry). I think she will come round if she realises smoke = not time with new baby.

Have you? Excellent

Sorry, that was to Hoolagirl.

I do agree with Franny - I was just trying to be subtle when I sent my first post.

As for these idiots who don't buy into the link between smoking and kids health issues! Gahhhh! How selfish are they?

My SIL and her sister both smoked when pregnant and BOTH of their DD's were under 6.5lbs at birth and both had to be hospitalised in their first year of life for respiratory problems. SIL still won't accept there's a link and that her DD's health probs as a baby may have been her fault, luckily though her sis did and did not smoke when preg with her DS.

It's good to hear other people getting angry on my behalf about it, 'cos I do get angry sometimes then I think I'm being unreasonable. I'm such a wuss... Good that the smokers don't think I'm being silly either. I don't think she realizes that their whole house smells of smoke - I don't think she can smell it herself. She's actually had breast cancer herself already and hasn't given up, so she's in a fairly advanced state of denial about the dangers of smoking... Whereas being asthmatic and from a family of doctors I'm a bit too well-informed about the dangers, esp. SIDS. (Only 15 weeks pregnant and worrying about SIDS already - what am I like???)

Hate the old one some smokers come out with "well my Mum/Gran/Granpa/Friend/Dog smoked 100 fags a day and lived to they were 145!" (ok slight exaggeration) but you know what I mean some smokers like my MIL will never believe in the dangers of smoking. She really annoys me though! She's always spraying tonnes of perfume about herself and chocking us but why bother the minute she has a fag she stinks? Maybe because smoking has damaged her sense of smell

I am an ex-smoker!! Hell and damnation!! Looking back I really can't see why I did smoke. Peer pressure and all that crap - no excuse. But since I gave up about 9 years ago, I can smell better, taste better and feel better! It looks so unattractive as well - I must have looked like a right old hag at 16!!

Hate smoking now. Don't like it when I've been out to a Xmas party or whatever and have to shower at 3am and stick all my clothes in the wash to get rid of the niff!

Yes I am an ex-smoker too (always the least tolerant) so I do sympathise with anyone who has they smoking privileges curtailed, but I mean come on - you don't invite an asthmatic to your house and then smoke where they will breathe it

Sorry I'm on the Franny side of the line on this one. There is simply no question of what's important here - your health (er, your life, actually - I have known 2 people in my life who have died of asthma attacks) and your baby's health.

If your MIL prioritises her disgusting habit over those most important things, then I'm afraid no matter how nice she is, she's just going to have to accept the fact that you can't go round to her house and that no way can she be in sole charge of your babies. I just wouldn't trust her not to light up around them. And this isn't a case of "am I being a snooty old fusspot because I'd prefer MIL to give baby milk rather than Kia-Ora", this really is life and death. Don't be so self-effacing and apologetic - you've got absolutely every right to expect that your inlaws (and anyone else you come into contact with for that matter) should show you the basic consideration of not doing something which may kill you.

LOL Kitty she always comes out with that old chestnut - as well as the story of how one of her rellies died shortly after stopping smoking '..and the doctor said it was the stress of stopping smoking that killed her'. RUBBISH! It was the 40 years of smoking that killed her! I'm sure the doctor didn't say that!

Another thing worth pointing out to your MIL is that when we were in Australia, advice on reducing the risk of cotdeath also included the pointer that people should not pick up and cuddle a baby for forty minutes after smoking a cigarettte as harmful particles from the cigarette are still present on the smoker's breath and clothes until then. You need to make sure that she is aware that HER smoking behaviour (and not you) will limit her contact with your baby.

You'd be doing her a favour if you imposed some no smoking rules. Maybe she's never really contemplated quitting, or just assumed she couldn't; if you force her to stop herself at times it might be the start of something good.

I am an ex smoker but even though I loved it I gave up when I got pg. My ex smokes and we have had flaming rows about my rule of no smoking around the baby, he says it stops him having his smoker friends over, that he's embarrassed when smoker friends/family have to leave their own houses to smoke if we are visiting them. Mind you, he doesn't believe in the effects of passive smoking either.

Stick to you principles on this. 20 a day or 100 a day, nobody is physically incapable of not lighting up for a couple of hours while spending time with their grandkid. At her age she should know how poisonous smoking is and should be willing to refrain; she might well be, if you chat with her about it. But stick to your guns on this. Passive smoking can effect so much; not only growth and respiratory health, it is also the number one known risk factor for cot death.

And of course, for your own health. If you care about people you respect their health and help, if you can, minimize health problems. Even when I was a heavy smoker I never smoked around kids - anybody's - and I certainly wouldn't have smoked around someone I knew to be asthmatic.

i dont take me dd into any smoky enviroment. any smoker who comes to my house knows they have to go outside to smoke.
i wont even go to smoky places and especially now being pregnant.

Tell her it's her choice. Fags or time with baby. But fags and time with baby are not possible.

Then emigrate.

Agree with Franny, but think she's been a bit restrained, really.