I have been lurking and reading on this board forever. In a way, some of the stories here are so impressive and inspiring. women, who seem to have it to much more difficult than have managed but and I am strangely stuck and I have no idea how to get out of it.
I have been with my DH for 10 years. we have 2 kids (DD, 5 years and DS, 2.5 years with autism) initially, we had a great relationship but over the years things have changed. he is emotionally abusive, verbally abusive . he only talk to me in the presence of other people, otherwise I am only talked to in imperative mode, I am not supposed to talk back etc. I am only supposed to act on his instructions. he is calling me all kind of names every day. he is also controlling me financially to the point that I can't buy myself even a face cream (probably needless to mention, I am not allowed such things as hairdresser etc ). he won't let me go out (that is going out with the kids to meet other friends with kids - I would not even dare thinking about going out in the evening without kids). he, by contrast is going out on a regular basis. he says that I am the mum, hence the the kids are my responsibility, much more than his. he says, as a mum, I don't have the luxury nor the right to time to myself whilst he has these privileges (he is after all, "only" the dad). when he is eating, I have to leave the kitchen. when he wants to watch TV, I have to leave the lounge... I think you get the gist. the treatment I get is soul destroying :(
I am working p/t while the kids are at school/nursery. on my way home from work, I pick up the kids from school/nursery. I am, therefore, never ever at home without the kids. the only time without kids I have is in the office. as my DS's needs are rather severe due to his SN, I am completely housebound. I simply can't leave the house with both DC on my own as DS needs constant 1 to 1 supervision. I can't give him the supervision he needs when I am out with both DC (even though DD is pretty mature for her age). DH works full time and comes home often rather late and spends the weekends either sleeping or going out on his own. he never, ever does something with me and the kids. this means, I can't leave the house on the weekends either. please note, this is also very much due to my DS's SN. if he would not have the difficulties he has, my life would be very different. DH is, nevertheless helping a little bit with DS (or DC in general). when he comes homes, he deals with them for 30 mins. he takes DS to bed about half of the week and also deals with him over the weekend of 1 hour/day. even though this is not a lot, I really, really needs these little breaks to catch up with the housework etc (I do all the housework - DH does not do anything but will get very angry if I don't do things which in turn scares the DC. so I do it basically for the my DC). even though, I just run around catchin up with housework in these moments, they are very important for me. I just need to get these little breaks from DS (everybody with a child with SN, esp autism will probably understand what I mean).
so, here comes my actual problem: as outlines above, DH treats me really, really bad and I am really unhappy in this relationship. I know that he is emotionally and verbally abusing me, he is trying to control me.. am I constantly walking on eggshells trying to avoid the next blow up (though he will always find something that gives him an excuse to kick off). BUT I don't think I would cope with the kids (esp DS) on my own. I don't have family in the UK (I moved over from austria because of DH). I have friends but they are either childless with very busy jobs or have 3-4 DC themselves and therefore can't come over to look after my kids (and I can't leave DS with them because of his ASD either). if I would leave DH, i would be with the kids non-stop (apart from my hours in the office). I would not even be able to do basic things such as supermarket shopping... I would not get this 30 min a day of break to catch up with the housework... I am already exhausted and tired but and this idea of being on my own without support simply terrifies me. but staying with DH can't be the answer.
and then there are all the financial worries. zero savings; finding another place (DH would never leave the house to me and the kids, but then, I would never be able to afford the mortgage anyways); the actual move (and how on earth I would do this on my own with the kids without any family to help)... how would I find the money to pay for everything... my childcare bill is already more than my earnings. how in earth should we manage financially?
everything in my head is muddled. I can't think clear. I know I have to leave him but it just seems impossible atm. thanks for reading. and apologies for the muddles post. I am just so tired...