I think my DH will leave me now (bit long but am really upset)

[stdorothymantooth]

I am a regular poster here but am using a different name. Basically, I have been married for 3 years and have a beautiful 8 month old DS.
Years ago befire we were married my finances were a complete mess, Dh and I managed to sort it out and paid off my debts. (so I thought), Since having DS we have struggled financially, not helped by one thing after another going wrong (having to replace washing machine, oven and now car has packed up) After paying off debts DH basically said if there was anything else he would leave me.
DH was going through our finances and closed the account on his two credit cards to get them paid off and considered getting a loan to get them paid off, one bill rather than three iyswim.
He applied for a loan on our joint account and we were declined. The bank assistant told me it wqas because of something on my credit report (im not sure she should be discussing my credit report with my DH but thats beside the point).
So, I got a copy of my credit report and it turns out there are still 3 left to pay off (just under £1200 in total), i had no idea, I havent been chased for any of these, no letters, phonecalls, nothing.
DH is now asking for a copy of my credit report so he can "see what the state of our finances are" and I am shitting it, I have foolishly been putting it off and putting it off, now he has asked me to do it tomorrow night (hes working late tonight), and I am so scared, because like an idiot i have been avoiding it, he will never believe I didnt know.
I am so scared, I love him so much and I dont know what to do.

Thought I'd use my lunchbreak to update, well, was going to discuss it with DH last night but he didnt get back from work til after 10 (didnt realise it would be that late.
Have been milling it over again today and maybe its because I have PND (seriously anxious - taking Citalopram for it - Just realised that could be seen as drip feeding so, apologies I should have mentioned it in my OP) that it all just seems worse than it is, but it just felt like DH was piling pressure on me for no reason.
I can totally understand that we need to get it done, its just his approach of I want to see it and I want to see it now really upset me.

It would upset me too to be honest.

thanks mumsamilitant

OP - check out MoneySavingExpert Forums

If you go on the Forums, particularly the Debt Free Wannabe part, you will be surprised at some of the knowledgeable people on there. Just because you may have outstanding amounts registered does not mean that they have not been cleared, just that they have not been updated on your credit record (speaking from what I have seen, not experience, but worth challenging)

1. The bank should not have discussed your credit record. However they might not have said this, and he may be blaming you for a problem that he caused.
2. The credit report may be wrong. It is possible to ask for things to be amended if they are wrong.
3. Your husband is using this as a stick to beat you with. His reaction is not normal
4. If he needs to get a loan to consolidate credit cards he has a lot of debt himself and usually it is a bad idea to consolidate a cards to a loan, because the temptation is to run up the cards again. He is not whiter than white from the sound of it. But if you were in a mess before then it is really easy to blame you for the problems.

hth

Have mentioned the consolodating thing to him myself (I think while in the short term it might be a good idea, if he ever has to use the cards again we are just stuck with more bills) and he basically said that his cards were never that close to the limit before he met me......

Yeah well it's easier to have cards not close to the limit when you're a single man with no children.

I am getting a slight feeling here that he is equating your being in a financial muddle when you met with "anything that causes a financial problem is stdorothymantooth's fault."

Did both of you bring debt problems into the relationship or was it only you?

Must say I wouldn't have been happy if my DH didn't even know if he had debt or not. However, on the plus side it looks like you have got your spending more under control as these are old debts.

As others have said I think you need to check out what you really owe and then make a plan to repay it. Perhaps it would be better if you took ownership for these debts and paid them from your own account.

Must say I am not a fan of joint accounts. DH and I have been married over 20 years and even if we buy a large joint item e.g. a car, we decide who will contribute what from our own accounts and then do it. If either of us know we can't afford to pay for something we will say and we will decide if the other pays or we go without.

BTW, why is your husband trying to take out a loan if he thought all the family debts were paid?

I think he sounds a nightmare!

It feels that way sometimes balloonslayer
ladylapsang his credit card bills are quite high so he wants to pay them off completely and just have the loan payment.
I think he's just panicking that we are struggling due to my maternity leave pay being rubbish, so many things going wrong and having the responsibility of providing for ds.

I think you just need to take a deep breath and sit down together and do a proper budget and work out how you are both going to pay off all these debts.

I would think it would be helpful if you could prepare by listing all the incomings / outgoings you are responsible for or know about and then he can add to this. Then you need to add all your debts and assets.

He will probably getting cross about this because he is worried. If the two of you can't agree how to pay the debts off then you need to get professional advice - ? CAB (not a silly high interest loan company). Obviously you need to prioritise the important financial commitments, mortgage etc. and get rid of any spending you can't afford, Sky TV etc.

I think people are bing harsh on the DH here. Unless you know how stressful it is to have been in real debt. I can imagine how you'd "flip" at having an appliance break down.

Especially if you feel you are juggling it all yourself. He's hardly arsehole of the year, if op was in the total shit when they met and he paid off all her bad debt is he?

He sounds like he is stressed at being the one financially responisble, a big pressure in these times and yes he could well be stressed about this extra debt. I don't blame him.

These debts won't be statute barred. Also now an up to date report has been done, locating you, you are now easily traceable. So if you do owe it. Then expect them top come asking soon. Generally when a debt is stisfied it is marked as so, but not always so check.

As it was a joint banks account and a joint application, yes they can tell you it was something to do with you. I take it you knew and jointly applied right? He also may want to consider closing the joint account and disassociating himself from you until you are clear.

Bad typos there sorry not proof reading and quick typing.

shesgotherlipstickon he didnt pay off all my debts, WE sat down together and they came out of OUR joint account, so at most he paid 50%. I get what you're saying though.