Relationships suffering.

[misdee]

I feel under too much pressure. Peter asks silly questions each day (do you still love, me, why do you want to be with me when i am ill etc etc) and it seems i am constantly reassuring him. the kids are pulling me in all directions atm, dd3 has been really ill the last week, dd2 is now ill. I am getting asked when i am going into see peter, not this week as i cant get a babysitter most days for dd2 and as she is ill, i am reluctant to leave her or to cart her about when she is feeling rough (when dd2 gets ill her temperature rockets).

And then there is MIL, i asked weeks ago if she culd take dd1 to her xmas show tomorrow evening as its no otherkids allowed and i went to this afternoon performance. she had forgotton about it. and now i feel guilty as she is going to go to harefield after the show, and i worry about her travelling late.

i feel like i am worrying too much about everyone else and not about me.

Thats coz you are worrying too much about everyone else. Only natural though... thats what us parents do.

Who can blame you for letting things get on top of you. You need 200 times more help than most people here! And we all still complain that its not enough....... your posts always humble me and make me feel ashamed.

People want to help, so please try not to feel guilty about what they have to do to carry out that help.
And you can always vent on MN!

i just feel really bad that i forgot to remind MIL about the show, and thought i'd have to get a babysitter for the 2 youngest ones (and dd3 is still breastfed), so i could take dd1 down to the school.

All i want is to be able to be at harefield everyday, i;d move there if i could, but with the other demands on me, i am feeling really resentful of everyone. i'd love to have a free easy life, and ifeel guilty and resentful.

Yes you are- it sounds like you've a lot to cope with at the moment. It's ok to feel lost in all that but it's also ok just to do what you can (not what you THINK you should do).
when you have young children they come first but in times of difficulty children are very adapatble so don't be afriad to say to them- because dad's ill,mums worried and tired so we won't be doing x today or we need to take things slower......try to simlpify your life as much as possible at the moment. you are obviously very worried and you need space to worry about the important things- the health of your loved ones- not if someone misses a show or Xmas party.
Can you get a break? Will MIL bbsit whilst you have a night or afternoon out with friends?
Is your partner very ill? He sounds worried too about how this is affecting your relationship.
give yourself a break honey you can't be superwoman. Take care of yourself.

Ditto to what Sackache said.

You can vent your spleen as much as you like here AND if we can help you in anyway too we'd all be glad too

Are you sure you've not got a touch of depression Misdee?

Good god misdee... I forget things like that too.... and I don't have anything like the things you have to fill you mind!

I'm sure she won't be muttering under her breath at you. You are doing the best you can. And thats fantastic! You know that many people would have crumbled by now into a heap of self-pity. I know I would. You are keeping everything ticking along as normal as possible. That can only be admired.

MIL wont babysit, the grandkids have hardly seen her for 5months, peter needs a heart transplant and has been in harefield since june.

my kids think daddy doesnt love them, dd2 thinks grandma doesnt like her, dd3 doesnt really know who daddy is.

Sounds a little like Peter wants to share the burden - is there any way you can task him to organise something? anything?

try and find a little peace and write peter a letter telling him all your honest feelings about him straight from the heart, then he'll have something to treasure when you're not there to reassure him. Plus, stop simply reassuring him, be honest. tell him it's tough and why it's tough, but that it doesn't stop you loving him.

Don't feel guilty about MIL, it's her mistake. You can't go to Harefield if your children are ill, it's chaotic at this time of year with school/nursery anyway and Peter is becoming institutionalised and can't imagine the world outside his ward atm. You are looking out for everyone else and not having much come your way. It's no wonder you crack every now and then - most of us would have fallen apart months ago.

As soon as you can, find time to do something which relaxes you (even if that's only MNing!) Everyone here is blown away by your ability to cope, but coping doesn't necessarily mean not needing help!

MT i dont have depression am just shattered. dd1 fell ill about 2 weeks ago, and we couldnt stay at the hospiutal like planned, then i feel ill, then dd3 now dd2. and then peter called up today to see when i can do an escorted visit with him into the village, so next week me, peter and Mr LVAD are going for a walk into the village with a nurse. so i had to sort out a baby sitter for next week as well.

phillipat, i told him to stop being a silly sod, and would i still be hanging about waiting for him if ididnt love him.

Sorry Misdee, just a few things you said rang some bells...Just be aware that it may be, thats all. You've been under a huge amount of stress and pressure for a long time now. And like everyone says you deserve all help you can get.

MT i had PND so am aware when i slipping down into depression, i am not irrational about washing up in the sink atm so am safe for now (i used to go mad if anyleft a spoon in the sink).

just very tired, and not sleeping well as the kids are up coughing.

Misdee - I know you're saying you're not depressed, but IMHO there's is big difference between PND and being very down and stressed about your situation. I suppose they can induce the same feelings of not coping, but in different ways..... when you have PND you feel ashamed because you SHOULD be coping no matter what (well thats how I felt anyway)! But this instance is more stress related.

I'm gibbering.... ignore me!

hi, remember that it is the bad times that make us better people in the end. I don't know you or all your particular circumstances, but it seems that what you have had to go through, just in relation to your dh's heart condition is more than some people have to go through in a lifetime. No one can be expected to do everything, and your MIL should understand that as I imagine it's her son that is in the hospital? so she should be there to support the mother of his children until such time as he is able to be with you again. If she's not prepared to do that then it's her loss, and in years to come, when her grandchildren don't know her and don't want to know her, you can explain to her that she had the chance to be a big part of their lives, but she obviously didn't take that chance when it was there.

Do you have a friend who could perhaps sit with your kids for a bit? just so you could get out of the house on your own?

I'm always available if you need someone to talk to, as I said, I don't know you but you're welcome to have my msn address - it's [email protected]

good luck

before all this she had a great relaionship with the kids.i used to get a few hours off from being a mum each weekend as peter oulwd take the kids over there each weekend.

just looking back on our old lives and feeling nostalgic in a way.

misdee - I imagine you feel like you shouldn't be moaning about anything because look what Peter has to suffer. But you are perfectly entitled to feel how you feel whenever you feel it IYKWIM! You are his rock but you need a rock too sometimes so allow yourself to have a cry or a shout and scream or a wallow in self-pity.

i know i am, and i dont want people saying 'i shouldnt moan about my life because of what you are going through', i get upset over silly things like xmas shows, heart stuff i can deal with, its all the extra strain it puts on us i cant.