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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

desperate to have a baby but husband desperate not to!

27 replies

vickieastley · 12/09/2011 09:20

i feel so sad, what do you do when this happens?

i have talked to him and told him how sad it is making me feel that i want another baby, but he says he is against the idea.

we have 1 boy together (who is 6 years old), he has a son and daughter from a previous relationship ( 15years old and 17 years old) who live with their mother. he has maintained contact with them over the years but says he didn't want them and felt forced my his parents to keep in contact with them so thought it was the best thing to do.

we met 10 years ago and started planning a family almost straight away and i fell pregnant just 6 months later, sadly i went full term with my daughter but she never took a breath and was still born.

since then we have had our son who is so beautiful. the sad thing is that i want another now and he says no.
we rarely have sex and he is very cold towards me emotionally and physically.
His reasons for not wanting anymore children are:
" i never wanted any of my children as it is"
" they are all a burden on me"
" if we split up then my son will also probably become a burden on him"
" he does not feel any love for his children".
his comments are becoming very upsetting and i'm seriously considering leaving him unless he gets some kind of psychological help ( which he says will be a waste of time).HELP, ANY IDEAS??

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 12/09/2011 09:33

Listen to what he is telling you. By his own admission "he does not feel any love for his children".

Why do you want to have another child with a man who feels this way?

venusandmars · 12/09/2011 09:37

How is with your ds? Does he spend time with him, is he loving towards him? Do they have a good relationship?

I ask because if they DO have a good relationship, then you risk losing this if your drive for another baby results in your relationship breaking up. On the other hand, if his feeling towards children, including your ds, is such that their relationship is not good, then what is your ds getting from being with him.

What he has said sounds unkind, but maybe he is just being truthful, maybe things are currently taking a big toll on him, and it would not be right for him to consider having another child in this situation.

Original poster
vickieastley · 12/09/2011 09:37

he has only said these things after i have said i want another baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
vickieastley · 12/09/2011 09:43

yes i know that he is being truthful, but why would i want to be with a man who says he feels no love for his children?
he doesn't really take our son anywhere and doesn't show a great deal of interest in him. ever since he was born i have done everything and make up for this by taking him everywhere and giving him extra love and cuddles.
when i found out i was pregnant with my son my husband wanted me to have an abortion, he says i tricked him into getting pregnant by missing my contraceptive pills (which i only missed 1 by mistake). he wouldn't touch me during the pregnancy but when our son was born he appeared happy or else i wouldn't have stayed with him.

OP posts:
MsGee · 12/09/2011 09:54

I think that a second baby is the least of your worries I am afraid. I would be very worried about his comments re your DS (and other children, although DS your priority).

I am also very sorry about your DD.

I clicked on this because had previously been in a similar situation with DH (who changed his mind eventually) - but I really think that any advice on that score would detract from the main issue.

I hope someone else will be along with better advice soon but he sounds like a twat. I don't think I could stay with someone who did not love our child and seens them as a burden. Sorry.

Helltotheno · 12/09/2011 09:55

OP why do you want another child with this person, in fact why do you even want to be with him? You're very emotional right now but you need to detach and look at this relationship objectively. I would say now is not the time to be thinking about more babies, as difficult as that might be for you.

HeidiHole · 12/09/2011 09:59

Your DH has three children, that is a lot it is not unreasonable for someone not to want a 4th child! I wouldn't!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 12/09/2011 10:03

Yes, but it doesn't sound like he doesn't want children because 3 is enough. He doesn't want children because he has an absence of love and empathy. Even for the real live children he does have.

That's quite scary.

toptramp · 12/09/2011 10:07

Op. He wanted you to abort your son? He wouldn't tough you when you were pregnant? He should have been honest with you before he married you about not wanting any more kids.
I hate it when men say they were tricked into having kids. Why the fuck dosn't he get the snip then? The man has 3 kids that he never really wanted ??? Shock I'm sorry op but he sounds like an irresponsible knob.
I would find someone who DOES want children and really likes them. Many men will date a single mum. I would cut your losses big time. However, I know how hard it is to break up with someone you love even when you know they are being a knob. He sounds like a cold man with serious issues.

toptramp · 12/09/2011 10:08

touch you sorry.

toptramp · 12/09/2011 10:10

Also I wish to add it is really selfish of him to marry a childless women who wants babies if he dosn't. Mabe he is fucked up because of you dd. Sorry to hear about that by the way but you can't force him to do councelling.

allday · 12/09/2011 10:12

I understand the urge to have another child as I have been ttc for 2 years but I would rather go it alone and use a sperm donor than saddle my child with a father who wishes s/he had never been born. Its an awful thing to be unwanted. Your DH has been a father for 17 years and he hasn't taken to it. Believe him when he says he doesn't want anymore. You can't change him by getting him help, parenthood isn't for everyone.

EightiesChick · 12/09/2011 10:12

While it is anyone's choice to say they don't want (more) children, the real issue here seems to be that he sounds like a) not a good father and b) not a very nice person all round, certainly not nice to you as his wife. I would seriously reconsider carrying on with the relationship, given what you are getting out of it - ie not much. How old (roughly) are you?

babyhammock · 12/09/2011 10:22

He is a horrible person. He's horrible to you and that attititude he has towards his children is truly awful and scary!

Please don't waste anymore time with him let alone have another child with him. You and your lovely DS deserve so much more x

tadpoles · 12/09/2011 11:04

I think I would find someone else to have a child with. I would leave someone who was that negative - particularly about his own children. I could almost cope with someone who as a bit negative about me if he was a good father but being negative about my children - no way!

I would leave.

wooooman · 12/09/2011 11:04

Thanks to everyone who has replied, I'm 30 years old.
I have been thinking about leaving him. I have changed my nickname in case he reads this.

wooooman · 12/09/2011 11:08

The only thing stopping me from leaving is that he will have no one if we leave, he has said that if we leave then in time our son will become a burden to him like his other two children. He was never this heartless when I first met him and I can remember the man he was, he's changed big time and only really seems to want to spend time by himself now ;(, I suppose this talk of babies has made me realise that after all these years and everything we've been through its time to call it a day. Thanks again.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 12/09/2011 11:24

The only thing stopping me from leaving is that he will have no one if we leave

That's not your responsibility.

For starters, he would have a relationship with 3 children, if he cared about them and loved them.

If he has "no-one" after you leave, that's not only his own problem to solve, but it is clearly also his choice.

EricNorthmansMistress · 12/09/2011 11:41

Your OP says you are desperate to have another baby but then you write that he's an awful dad and partner and you want to leave him.

^i never wanted any of my children as it is"
" they are all a burden on me"
" if we split up then my son will also probably become a burden on him"
" he does not feel any love for his children^

You can't contemplate having another baby with him, not ever. Whether you should leave him or not - well I wouldn't want to be raising a child with someone who felt like that about him. Your son will grow up knowing that. I bet his teenage DCs have emotional or behavioural problems, do they?

Get your son, run far far away and maybe you will have another DC in the future with a nice person. If you don't, feel blessed you have your son.

allday · 12/09/2011 11:42

If that's the only thing stopping you then you should pack your bags. You can't spend your life on a pity date with billy no mates. It is his responsibility to maintain his relationships with his family and friends and live his own life.

cecilyparsley · 12/09/2011 11:50

I dont think he needs psychological help, he sounds like he's just not a very parental sort of person. Some people arent, that doesnt make them pathological.
I understand it's upsetting for you Vickie (and hard to know what to do for the best!) but I dont think it's necessarily anyone's fault that you happen to want different things in life

EightiesChick · 12/09/2011 11:53

It's his fault that he has / will have no one around him, not yours. As for your DS being a 'burden' to him, well, some of us call that a 'responsibility' that parents should carry. He needs to face up to that instead of whining about it, even if (sadly) it only comes down to financial support and you (and other people) provide the love for your DS.

At 30 you have plenty of time to either live a happy life just with your DS or to meet someone else to have more children with.. if you give yourself the chance.

clam · 12/09/2011 11:53

Having another baby or not is the least of your problems with this man!

EightiesChick · 12/09/2011 11:54

cecilyparsley true, but then it would be nice if he'd worked that out himself before 18 years and the birth of his 3 children had passed by...

clam · 12/09/2011 12:04

OK, so what he's saying sounds harsh. Shocking to most of us. But at least he's being honest. Finally.

As we've heard on here before, when someone tells you who they are, listen. If you cannot live with what he's telling you, then you have to find it within yourself to move on. It seems from what you've said, that it might be better for your DS.