Don't know what to do (this is a long one)

[floresskylar]

I'm a new member here. I learned about this forum from another forum... this is a long one but I would appreciate anyone that would read and give advice

A little background about myself. I'm 28 years old. I don't have any children although i have had countless miscarriages but since I'm not married I think it is better this way or thats what I have convinced myself to think.

I was engaged to my long time boyfriend of 9 years. We dated from 2000 to 2009. He cheated on me, gave me an STD and left me for another woman. It was extremely tough. I contemplated suicide after our breakup and thought I could never love again. I self medicated with alcohol for a few months. It got better as time passed on and after 4 months I started dating again. I dated quite a lot and within 2 months I met someone that I really liked. I feel for him hard. I can't say he was a rebound because I dated pretty well before we got serious. We got serious right away and began a relationship. At first things were perfect. Very funny guy, very affectionate, and he was much better than my former fiance. Fast forward about 9 months into dating I discovered that my current BF has a serious anger problem. He chocked me one night when we were "play" wrestling around I got scared and made him leave. He said he was sorry and being in an abusive relationship before, I knew it was stupid of me to stay with him but I stayed. We have had our issues. Its like he never wants to talk and if I talk he berates me gets angry to the point where I'm not sure what he will do. He seems fine with everyone else but with me his anger really shows.

One night we got into a fight and I told him that he should leave my house before he blew up again. He left and didn't come back. I called because instead of taking his own car, he took mine. I went to his church to get my car but he had my keys so I waited on service to let out. Afterwards we were talking in the car and he told me that he called a chatline to talk to someone about our issues. I got mad and cursed him out and he threw me out of the car. I called the police and made a report because I injured my head. We STILL got back together and promised that he wouldn't hurt me again.

We moved in together. I know how stupid can I be but I really loved the guy. At this point we were together for 2 years. Things have not gotten any better. The violence has stopped but he still realy scared me when he gets angry when we fight. I know I'm not an angel in all of this because when i feel threatened since he has put his hands on me, I now try to hit him before he hits me. I do curse him out as well. Not good but it is what it is. I don't trust him because he has done some questionable things. Our latest argument is about him giving out his phone number to a so called coworker. I snooped through his phone and the converstions are innocent but I don't think its appropriate. He had a moment of enlightenment when he was pulled aside by a supervisor about his anger at work. He sat me down and said that he understands how threatening he can seem and he finally admits that he has an anger problem and that he has done some things that are not right in our relationship.

Other issues are I hate his best friend. His best friend is married and openly cheats on his wife. They hang around each other too much and I think that his best friend has tried to influence him to chat on me. I don't think for one second that my BF has cheated on me. I know he has been faithful but he has done some questionable things which makes me not trust him.

We are going to counseling per his request and I don't know if I should give it a shot. Am I really stupid for thinking that I want this to work. Can things like this change. I know that I have highlighted all the bad things but I do feel like we are meant to be together. We have a connection that I cannot explain. Can people really change? has anyone been in a relationship as bad as this but later on the relationship changed for the better. Although i feel we are meant to be together, I am strong enough and tired enough of the bs that I can leave him without spiraling into sadness or whatever. what are your thoughts on this?

My thoughts are you should leave while you can. Do you live together? Do you have somewhere to go?

Counselling for just yourself would probably be a very good idea.

You are still young enough to move on and find someone who doesn't treat you like shit, to start a family etc. Could yo confide in your church?

Gosh yes, get out of this relationship. This man is not good enough for you.

Thanks duelingoFanjo for your input. Yes we do live together but the lease will be up in 3 months.

I really love him and just wish that he would get it together.

If you or he are churchgoers you'll know that allegedly redemption is possible for all.

However, IME it takes a helluva lot more than immersion in holy water to be born again and start over with a fresh slate.

From what you've said, you've got an angst ridden relationship full of issues; his anger, your anger, his violence, your tendency to violence (allegedly self-defence before you're attacked), cursing (presumaby shouting and swearing) each other, your insecurity (why object to him giving his number to a co-worker?), your dislike of his bf and resentment of the time he spends with him, your lack of trust in him - the list goes on.

Despite all of the reasons why you should have run a mile more than a year ago, you believe that you are meant to be together, that you have a unique 'connection' to each other.

It seems to me that if you want to break the negative patterns that have emerged in this relationship, you need to look at why you've tolerated the 'bs' both in your previous relationshiip and in this one.

IMO you will both benefit from individual counselling/therapy and I would suggest you institigate this before you consider embarking on joint counselling sessions.

Ideally, I would suggest that you live apart until such time as you have both worked out whether this relatonship is worth fighting for - because all you seem to be doing is fighting and until you end this vicious circle, you'll be stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of endless confrontation.

Fortunately, you haven't brought any dc into your currently toxic lifestyle but you've mentioned countless miscarriages which can't be good for your emotional and physical health and wellbeing.

Please consider taking the pill to prevent concepton until such time as you are in a healthy, stable, committed relationship.

Maybe he will one day. But you shouldn't be with him while he is.

My dh is far from perfect. Faaaarrrrr. And I don't think I know anybody with a perfect relationship. But hurting you....you don't want to be with someone who is not kind to you.

You don't want to have a child with someone who is not kind to you! What if he gets angry with your child?

You both sound unable to maintain a healthy relationship with each other

Perhaps you would be better apart

Well, I'm a bit about having "connections" to people, for a start. But even so, I don't see that it's reason enough to turn a blind eye to a relationship that is destructive and abusive.

You're young. Do you really want to be living like this in 5 years' time? 10? 20? Just because you think that this guy is marginally better than the first loser one you were with, does not make him the Messiah.

Move on.

You both need outside help with dealing with your emotions. This is not healthy, you are not healthy, he is not healthy.

Be apart, go get the help required and move on.

You each have issues requiring professioinal help.

Get individual counselling rather than couples counselling. Let your partner make his own choice whether he gets counselling or not; your responsibility is to yourself first.

Split with him now if you have the courage. Your strong "connection" is down to the fact that you have complementary emotional bagage. It is not healthy, it is not "meant to be". You will be much healthier without him so that you can gain objectivitiy and see this. Once you start working on your issues you will see that you are not so complementary, not so connected after all.

Individual therapy will also help you break out of your pattern of entering (and remaining) in relationships that are bad for you.

Good luck!

Don't bother with counselling.

He is violent, angry, aggressive - it's not really going to change

Get out, out, out.

Move on.

The connection thing is the only thing keeping you there. I would say the connection you feel is due to his manipulation, thats my opinion. Relationships like this don't suddenly get better, he won't suddenly change. You say that you are strong enough to leave, then leave, before you waste any more time on this guy. You haven't said anything positive about him.