Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Feeling numb. Should I talk to him?

11 replies

macaronicanelloni · 10/09/2011 19:56

I have a wonderful DH. We've been married nearly five years and he would do pretty much anything for me. I've always felt so lucky that I have him and for how much I loved him. Lately though I've been feeling numb around him and I don't know why. He's starting to irritate me; we've always spent a lot of time together and done most things together but at the moment I just want to do things on my own and be my own person.

That would be okay, and he has been fine with that as long as I'm happy, but it's come along with me not feeling much towards him. I love him, but I don't feel a spark at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm in love with him any more. I feel so guilty for even typing this as it would destroy him if he knew but I don't know what to do. I thought it would pass if we both started doing things on our own, and make me miss him, but it hasn't and I've been feeling weird for a couple of months. A future without him is something I don't feel I can really contemplate but I don't know if that's because I still want it or just because it would mean changing everything, all my plans for my life.

I don't want to keep this from him - especially as I've had to tell a friend because I was going crazy not talking to anyone about it, which feels so disloyal. But when I mentioned once before it seemed like we had less in common (in a let's do somehting about it attempt) he got really upset. I don't want to worry him if this is just going to pass.

Is this normal, in a marriage after the first few years? We don't have kids. We were both all for trying, but then I got cold feet and I don't know why because I definitely want them.

Well done if you've got this far..! I just don't know what to do and I'm going crazy. Any advice hugely appreciated!!!

OP posts:

lostinafrica · 10/09/2011 20:03

I can't tell you if it's normal, but it's certainly normal for me. I can't imagine that it's possible for me to maintain loving feelings all the time: sometimes the relationship just gets dull - or worse.

My advice, if you want it, is to keep going through the motions, thinking of your love as a decision you made, until the feelings come back to support the actions.

BlueistheColourIthink · 10/09/2011 20:17

I think every relationship has it's ups and downs. Plan some girly nights out, a weekend away visiting a friend. I don't think he has know 100% why you're doing it. Just tell him you want to reconnect with your girlfriends. Take a bit of time for you, then you'll have the energy for the "us".

Original poster

macaronicanelloni · 10/09/2011 20:22

The problem is I don't know if I want to. I have a close (male) friend who I thought I had feelings for. I'm pretty sure now (after much soul searching) it is just because he's so lovely and I value his friendship - I certainly wouldn't take it any further and he wouldn't want to either - but I feel like I want to talk to him more than DH at the moment, which makes me feel really guilty. When DH suggests we do something together I just don't want to, or I at least want other people there too. It's just worrying me because this has never happened before, and I feel like I've changed.

OP posts:

lostinafrica · 10/09/2011 20:32

If he suggests doing something together, and you don't want to or want other people around... do you ever do it anyway? If so, do you still hate it?

BlueistheColourIthink · 10/09/2011 20:36

Sounds to me like it might be a bit of overkill on the couple time. I love spag Bol but wouldn't have it every night as then I'd hate it . . . rubbish metaphor but hope you can see what I'm getting at!

buzzskillington · 10/09/2011 20:37

How old are you both?

I don't think it's normal, or at least, it's not something I've experienced in my own marriage (admittedly a very small test group ).

Perhaps you have changed.

I'm not sure what you can do to reconnect, if that's what you want - but spending more time together rather than less would seem logical. If you positively don't want to spend time with him, then it's as if you're emotionally detaching from him - and that will open you to thoughts of affairs and such.

Original poster

macaronicanelloni · 10/09/2011 20:46

We are in our late 20s.

lost - I always do it, and end up not really enjoying it. I feel so awful writing this.

blue - I agree but it's never been a problem before, and it's now changed so that I don't want any couple time.

buzz - I do feel emotionally detached. That's it in a nutshell.

OP posts:

MrsSnoops · 10/09/2011 20:49

I have been feeling this too (I started a thread last week). It is very scary, especially as I have 2 DC's.

Not really too sure what to suggest, but all you say rings so true for me.

You just so want the feelings to return. I have been very irritated with my DH too and it is still there, but I am trying very hard not to be.

And last night we went out for dinner. It was only about 3 hours out, but it was lovely. And I enjoyed his company, which I haven't for a long time.

It is very scary when the doubts creep in and it's like if you have taken the lid off, it is hard to put back on again.

As I said I have 2 DC's and I have made the decision to press on and focus on the good rather than the bad as I am not going to break up a happy family.

But it makes me sad that he isn't adored more and that I don't adore him more (atm, I am working on the premise that they are coming back).

Original poster

macaronicanelloni · 10/09/2011 21:32

Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I'm glad I'm not on my own MrsSnoops. Have read your post and I could have written it - apart from the DCs part - which I am additionally worried about as I really do want them - but I'm worried that the reason I've got cold feet is because I don't want them with DH.

Oh this is such a mess. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I just want to find myself single so I can start all over again.

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 10/09/2011 21:44

It makes total sense that you've got cold feet about ttc because of the way you feel (or way you don't feel) about your dh. It would be a serious mistake to have children with him as you are.

You could look at relationship counselling? Trial separation?

madamemax · 12/09/2011 20:23

macaronicanelloni Sat 10-Sep-11 20:22:40
"The problem is I don't know if I want to. I have a close (male) friend who I thought I had feelings for. I'm pretty sure now (after much soul searching) it is just because he's so lovely and I value his friendship - I certainly wouldn't take it any further and he wouldn't want to either - but I feel like I want to talk to him more than DH at the moment, which makes me feel really guilty."

Sorry, love but I think you are slightly kidding yourself. It seems to me like you are disconnecting from DH whilst talking too much to your 'friend'. That seems like classic emotional affair territory. Which came first, the numbness or the crush? Be totally honest with yourself.

The kindest thing you can do is to stop seeing your 'friend', and place your loyalties with your husband. It doesn't sound like a bad relationship has caused you to stray, from what you write. It seems (from what you write) as though your husband doesn't deserve you putting your emotional energies into conversing more freely with someone else, at the detriment of your primary relationship. If it makes you feel really guilty, it's probably for a good reason.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but I speak from experience.

Flip