Friends, or lack of?

[mairyhinge]

Hi, I'm 41, and have always been a bit of a loner. I'm an only child, and find it hard to make freinds. I do have a couple of really good freinds, but although i can talk to strangers, i can't seem to connect enough to make a good friendship.
I love a girly night out, but the only mate i have who I would have that sort of night out with has kind of gone off the boil. She hasn't texted me for a few weeks unless i text her first. She has also made a new friend recently and is a Little bit in awe of her i feel. Last time we (3) went out i was like a 3rd wheel!!!

Thing is, i am the sort of friend who will do anything for anyone, BUT i also like my space, and my own company, and thats why I think I don't have many friends. MAybe because I sort of retreat into myself?
I suffer with depression, but i crave a bit of excitement.

I have another good friend, but we do coffee/lunch, and another one who again, i would just have a coffee with.
I feel desperate to make new friends, BUT how? I haven't the mental energy to join a club, besides which at the mo i have no real interest!
And im sure if i did make a friend i would end up backing right off when i'm having a abad day...
I think thats it, i have bad days, retreat and my friends think i'm being rude/ ignoring them...dunno.
I am always there as a shoulder to cry on, yet feel there is no one there for me? I want a friend like me!

My very best freind in the whole world lives thousands of miles away, which doesn't help either.

My hubby is great, but he seems to be out every bleeding weekend,whilst im a stay at home moper!.

Don't even think i'm looking for advice, as what exactly could be said?

Just fed up

Ispy, is it this thread you meant? I have it bookmarked, but lack the bottle to post.

Thanks for the link HedleyLamarr , it makes edifying reading. I hadnt seen that thread before because Im new on MN.

There seem to be different types of loneliness, and of course people`s circumstances vary enormously, but we all seem to be seeking the same thing - that is, acceptance as we are, warts and all, without having to pretend to be other than we are, without having to conform to a certain pattern. Unconditional love, in other words, that embraces us with our failings and our foibles.

I accept that no one is perfect, Im certainly not so I dont expect others to be. But I do expect them to be kind and decent. I would never purposefully exclude someone, or look down on someone for being less-well off, and I`ve finally come to the conclusion that the people who do this to me must have their own insecurities. I do not find their behaviour hurtful (after all, you can only be truly hurt by people who matter to you) so much as puzzling. What pleasure can they get from making others feel bad?

My DH says I`m too straightforward and decent. Again I am puzzled - I was brought up to believe that these were qualities not faults! He says I should learn to be hypocritical because so much of social interaction is hypocrisy.

This makes me sad. I know he is right in a way, but is it unreasonable of me to think that you shouldn`t have to pretend to be other than you are in order to fit in?

Again, Glutton, your words could be mine... I have always welcomed people, especially if i meet someone new to the area. I could never purposely exclude someone. but i am not pushy enough to stop them doing that to me, (unless i'm drunk )
I treat people the way i would expect to be treated, yet get treated like crap! Maybe I have MUG on my head? sometimes I think so
I do have a strong sense of self preservation though, maybe that's an issue with other people? I live by the "fool me once, shame on me, Fool me twice, shame on you" and thats it, i walk away from that person. I will not be taken for a fool. So is that it? Am i too strict with people??? But again, that would mean I would have to be someone I'm not, just to fit in?!

My oh is great, he is my best freind,and my children seem to have no problems with freindships,so at least its not transferred to them....yet.
OH says I should go out more with him, and i probably should, but his "group" are either all blokes, who are old fashioned and seem to think if they speak to me they have to fancy me so dont bother, or there are women there who are just odd, seem bitchy, talk to oh, but ignore me? I would NEVER do that!!

me too glutton! I just do treat people with respect - sometimes I think it is pearls before swine - that makes me sound haughty but it's just the conclusion I can't help drawing. it seems you have to treat people like shit to be respected; operate from a pack mentality. This made me laugh: "My DH says I`m too straightforward and decent. Again I am puzzled - I was brought up to believe that these were qualities not faults! He says I should learn to be hypocritical because so much of social interaction is hypocrisy"

I will also give someone the benefit of the doubt but if they do it again they're out - I am simply not interested. My kids complain that I have brought them up in a way that doesn't work re they have been brought up with a moral compass, if you like, I have taught them moral laws/rules. They are in a distinct minority it seems - my son is currently hell-bent on proving the opposite of the way I brought him up! I feel guilty - have i set them up by teaching them a way of relating that is naive? I brought my kids up alone, though their father was around - did I not give them a killer instinct, particularly the boys? Unlike some of yous, I am an extrovert and usually don't have a problem, if pushed, saying what I want (or need) to say socially. That can get me into trouble. sometimes I feel like a foreigner in my own country.

I was also abused as a child - maybe, if you have been treated badly you have 1. a horror of treating anyone badly, 2. you can be passive, unconfident/unsure, in relating.

Aaah Mairy, how many times have I been out with my husband and his friends and been cold-shouldered by their wives! I sympathise because its not very pleasant when people talk to your OH as if youre not there, and when you try to join in act as though they cant hear you. My DH always draws me into the conversation, Im lucky in having an understanding husband who is also my best friend. I dont let it get me down too much though because these are people I have nothing in common with, and with whom I only socialise when I have to for DHs sake. Ive also developped a very thick skin over the years! Springydaffs, like you I wonder if I brought up my children the wrong way, as I brought them up according to the do unto others as you would have them do unto you that was instilled in me as a child. It doesnt seem to be relevant anymore in todays hugely competitive society though, you have to be ruthless to succeed. My sons seem to have no problems making friends, but my daughter has often been disappointed by people she considered friends, and currently has just one friend left who lives 40 miles away. She is finally far more isolated than I am, which worries me a lot. She is married and happy with her husband, but there are certain things a husband can never understand no matter how great he is, and we all need another womans company sometimes to let off steam and talk about womens stuff. She unfortunately inherited my social skills instead of her fathers - he could charm the flowers off the wallpaper and is a great extrovert.
Springy Im so sorry to hear you were abused as a child, theres nothing more despicable than hurting someone vulnerable who cannot possibly defend themself. When you have had your trust betrayed like that during your formative years it must be very difficult to rebuild your confidence :(

thank you glutton. yes - not there yet, but not bad, considering. bless you though - thank you