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Relationships

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Original poster

Appearance - I told him it doesn't bother me but I've found it does :(

48 replies

FlyKiller · 10/09/2011 13:07

I got talking to a guy who seemed really lovely. We hit it off, had lots in common and enjoyed each other's company. He then told me he'd had a weight reduction operation and had lost so much weight that he had tons of "skin", especially on the stomach area. I am NOT a shallow person and don't judge anyone by looks. I don't go for the Brad Pitt types anyway and have never been put off anyone because of appearances and so I told him it didn't bother me at all (I meant it at the time). We hadn't been intimate by this point.
So a few weeks ago I stayed over at his place for the first time. First thing I noticed was that he was constantly eating. Backwards and forwards to the cupboards saying he was getting a drink but would come back with biscuit smelling breath. This makes me worry he isn't over his appetite problems?

Anyway later on, we were kissing, it got a little heavier and we went upstairs and I just wasn't prepared for it at all, when he took off his shirt his "Boobs" were dangling onto me and when he was on top of me I couldn't actually see anything "down there" because his stomach was hanging down and flopping all over me. I know this sounds incredibly bitchy and I don't mean it to be, I'm just trying to recreate what I saw. I was put off. Not just by this but he was so clumsy in bed too, trying to force a condom on when he wasn't fully erect, playing with himself to try and get it up and then trying to strike up conversation about the condoms etc, it was just all so offputting and anything but romantic. I made excuses and we stopped. I felt awful and went to sleep feeling rather guilty. I DO like him but the whole episode made me realise I don't fancy him. Or if I did, I no longer do. Anyway next morning I woke up telling myself I was a complete cow and one of those shallow people I'm always complaining about.

So I tried to mentally prepare myself for the next time but I just can't look past it. Last weekend he was getting dressed in front of me and stuffed his belly into a pair of underpants so you could see through the LEG hole rolls of belly all squashed up inside. I suggested he doesn't put his belly inside the pants as it looks rather odd and he said he felt more comfortable that way.

I just can't get past it. I have tried. Does this mean I AM shallow? because I feel it. I feel ashamed of myself but is it justified? at all?? Could you look past it if he was otherwise a lovely man?

OP posts:

FemaleEuknickers · 10/09/2011 18:46

A few pity shags under my belt too! And, rather confusingly, some shags with men that were very obviously gay but buff, so i could't help myself.

Do't date this guy again. Be gentle but firm (unlike his physique).

Sandalwood · 10/09/2011 18:51

Unless there's another weight-loss surgery fella out there still eating in secret and dating mumsnetters.

said · 10/09/2011 18:55

Just the description of biscuit breath puts me off

beatenbyayellowteacup · 10/09/2011 18:56

are you dating my ex?!

GloriaVanderbilt · 10/09/2011 19:12

It sounds like there wasn't any emotional chemistry there in the first place or you wouldn't have cared what he looked like.

You have to love someone's mind before you can reasonable judge whether their body is a turn off or not

Don't stress it
sounds like you were so focused on not offending him that you didn't stop to allow yourself a natural response to his personality

He sounds very open and nice (but nervous) and someone will fancy him for that alone. I know, I'm ugly and I get shagged occasionally

ScaredyDog · 10/09/2011 19:44

Don't be so hard on yourself, you're not being mean - you can't create chemistry if it's not there.

From what you say I can totally see why you're put off (and I say that as the ex of a very big bloke whose physique didn't put me off - though he didn't have the excess skin you talk about, he was, ahem, round all over, but not saggy). It's different if you're mad about someone and in love, what they look like doesn't matter (to me anyway).

Poor bloke, sounds like he's got a lot of problems to do with food still. But don't you dare feel bad about yourself for not fancying him, it's not something you have any control of.

Let him down gently but don't beat yourself up. He's probably already got the message after what you said about his gut-fat-in-pants thing. Cringe.

carernotasaint · 10/09/2011 21:13

I used to be 21 stone and i went down to 10 stone 12. Yes i had some loose skin but not loads. Have you considered the other side of the fence. There could be a bigger person reading this thread who might be thinking "well if im gonna end up with a load of loose skin i might as well not bother trying to lose weight." Shame the chat shows and the diet industry cant be there (after parading there success stories round for the publicity) when the psychological problems start due to the rejection the person will experience through having loose skin or not looking perfect in some other way simply because they finally cared about their health enough to lose the weight.

EricNorthmansMistress · 10/09/2011 21:53

carernotasaint it's not the OP's responsibility to protect the feelings of potential obese readers of her post...what weird logic.

OP, I am shallow. I would not fancy this man.

It's also not quite the same as, for example, being put off by a man with a congenital deformity or something. Weight loss surgery is a solution to life threatening obesity, which has attendant risks, one of which is loose skin due to rapid weight loss. Slower weight loss due to diet and exercise doesn't have this effect. The guy made a choice.

ScaredyDog · 10/09/2011 22:09

I've definitely read a similar thread before, thought it was this but that was before I joined MN, I think.

It's probably not an uncommon issue in the grand scheme of things.

frazzle26 · 10/09/2011 22:10

That sounds so gross, it makes me heave just hinking about it.

Sandalwood · 10/09/2011 22:16

Thw thread I'm thinking of ScaredyDog was only weeks ago.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 10/09/2011 22:31

It sounds like it all moved too fast. You got into the bedroom before you had decided if there was a real connection or really fancied/liked him.

Let him down really gently.

cecilyparsley · 10/09/2011 22:46

I never agree to meet anyone without seeing naked pics first

peasandlove · 11/09/2011 05:19

crikey, that sounds rather offputting (I'm being polite)

peasandlove · 11/09/2011 05:30

on second thoughts, my (gay male) friend has lost a lot of weight and had a moob reduction some time ago. He was telling me he met a guy and told him about this, and the guy was cool about it, but when the time came they were getting down to it, the guy seemed to be weirded out by it and made his excuses and left. My friend was very hurt, he only has small scars too

GloriaVanderbilt · 11/09/2011 07:41

this is the thing. I think you have to be very sure that you have a deeper connection in order for something like this not to bother you...if you just want casual sex then it matters, but if you loved someone then it wouldn't.

Which is why I don't really go in for casual sex. I think it's potentially very hurtful. You have to love a person and trust each other.

SansaLannister · 11/09/2011 07:46

Personally, I go for casual sex to separate the wheat from the chaff. If they are bad in bed, and the chemistry and power of attraction aren't there, it's never going to work. I'd rather know this early on before I develop deep feelings for the person.

Life is too short for crummy sex.

GloriaVanderbilt · 11/09/2011 11:06

I do it the other way round.

There are usually things I'd have had no idea about in a person's character, personality and mind that can either turn me off or turn me on.

Finding out these things after you've already had sex can be disastrous and make you feel really horrible, either because you rejected the person too soon or because you realise you've had sex with a tw*t.

I prefer to get to know someone first.

cecilyparsley · 11/09/2011 15:49

I can usually find out a fair bit about a mans character by shagging him

GloriaVanderbilt · 11/09/2011 17:01

Yes but then if you find out he's a knob, you've already shagged a knob.

I don't know, I prefer to keep it for the nice blokes. when they turn up

SansaLannister · 11/09/2011 17:06

Well, I wouldn't have shagged this bloke, anyhow.

cecilyparsley · 11/09/2011 17:07

hehe, it's all I bit catch 22, and really I dont have a clue, I just try and play it by ear...some real bad tunes have resulted

SnapesMistress · 11/09/2011 20:16

I'm also of the shag them first approach and it generally works for me. I used to have a lot of casual sex though and attached very little emotional importance to it. I have shagged many a twat and don't regret it, the thought of it does not bother me in the slightest.

On the main topic, OP, you have to go with your instincts, what bothers you bothers you and I think trying to ignore it would be counterproductive at best.

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