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Original poster

What now?

45 replies

gwinkle · 08/09/2011 18:17

I started a thread on here a few months ago when I found out about DH emotional affair. He appeared to be having some kind of crisis and after much soul searching and counselling we were in much better shape as a couple than before the EA.

Fast forward to now. I spotted a couple of over-familiar texts on his phone last night. Nothing damning, but enquiring about his holiday and saying that they (the person texting) were going to a spa! I therefore guessed if was from a woman, but there was no name saved for the number.

When I asked him about it he became very cagey and I could see him visibly shaking. He claimed he didn't know who the text was from, though he had replied to it. He agreed to ring the number on loud speaker, but there was no answer. When he heard the name on the answer-machine he said he remembered it was someone who had been in a meeting with him once and she was just being friendly.

I checked the rest of his phone, email and Facebook etc and could find no trace of this person. In case she decided to return his call, I took his phone to bed and put it on my bedside table. I awoke at 3am to find him crawling across the bedroom floor - commando style (it would be funny if it wasn't so bloody sad!) to retrieve his phone. I demanded the truth and he basically stuck to his story, but said she had become a bit "stalkerish" after the meeting.

This morning I demanded that he told me the truth, otherwise I would kick him out. He now tells me that he met this woman on a flight, she insisted on giving him a lift from the airport to his meeting. She then wanted to meet up, but he declined. He said that she was clearly flirting with him, but he didn't tell me because he was worried I would get the wrong idea.

He is adamant that this is the truth, but I don't think he would know the truth if it bit him on the arse. I have kicked him out anyway and one of the first things he asked was about what we would do about the house Angry.

He is desperate for us to work this out, but I can no longer trust him. Even if this is the truth about what happened, he has lied all along. I think he just wants to be together because of our two young children. I don't think he really cares about me anymore.

I am just devastated for our kids. They adore him and I can't cope with the thought of having to tell them that he is gone. We have been together for 18 years and I feel like I don't know him at all. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
gwinkle · 09/09/2011 10:59

I've just read another thread about telling people and how that makes it real. I think that's how I feel. I think I'm sort of thinking that this is happening to someone else, like an out-of-body experience! Once I tell people I think it will hit me.

I'm not sure what to do. I keep thinking about things we had planned for our future and about our girls growing up with this mess and it makes me really sad. But I forgave his lies once I don't know that I will be able to retain any self-respect if I do it again.

I have the number of the woman he 'met on a plane' I want to ring her and get her side of the story, but I think she will assume I am a nutter!

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 09/09/2011 11:04

If she agrees with his version of events will you feel better or do you want her to tell you she's been shagging him, to make it easier for you to leave without feeling it's your fault?

Original poster
gwinkle · 09/09/2011 11:09

I think I'd like her to say that it was as he explained. But yes, if she confirmed that they'd had sex it would make things very clear for me.

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 09/09/2011 11:12

She probably will think you're a nutter but who cares, if you think it will help you.

mh85 · 09/09/2011 11:23

@ gwinkle - I think you should call this woman and get her side of the story. If you're not up to it, give me her number - I'll find out for you! What a complete twat & I'm so sorry you're going through this

Original poster
gwinkle · 09/09/2011 11:41

Right, I rang. She sounded a bit unnerved at first, but then she was just very open and upfront. She confirmed that they had met on a plane and they they had work connections and that was it.

I think she was genuine because she then said, "it's weird that you should call because I had a missed call the other day from him followed by a text the next day saying the call was made in error.". She then enquired after him and that was it.

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 09/09/2011 11:52

Sounds like you're not ready to give up on him just yet. I still think the whole episode is suspicious but maybe some more counselling will help you both to put all this crap behind you. It's very difficult to live with someone you don't trust, can really bring you down. I hope you're not sacrificing yourself for the sake of you husband and kids, in the end they will still get hurt watching you be miserable.

Anyways, like I said, I'm only commenting on what you have written. You know best after 18 years with him. Hope it all works out for you.

windsorTides · 09/09/2011 11:54

I can imagine you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment gwinkle, but just stand back for a moment and consider what is fact.

Your H had an emotional affair that as I recall, only stopped short of being physical because you busted him. After months of heartache, expensive counselling, reading and talking, he went on yet another fishing expedition didn't he?

This suggests that what he hasn't been honest enough to admit in all this is that he is still curious about sex and a relationship with someone else. He above all should know how dangerous and foolhardy it was to exchange phone numbers with a new woman. He cannot say that he thought this was a harmless thing to do, because he knows this is how affairs start.

Which leaves you with the only conclusion that he knew precisely what he was doing and what it meant. The fact that he didn't tell you "Ooh I met an interesting woman on the plane. We exchanged numbers as we've got professional links in common" tells you all you need to know. He kept the whole thing secret, because he knew what this meant.

Original poster
gwinkle · 09/09/2011 11:56

Thank you. I would not make any sacrifices for him, but I have already put up with more than I would have thought I could for the sake of our children. I don't know whether I can be happy with him again. But I suppose I won't know unless I try.

I don't feel like I have the energy right now, but then I don't have the energy to deal with telling everyone either.

Thanks for responding, my RL friend is at work so I have no one to talk to.

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Original poster
gwinkle · 09/09/2011 12:00

To be fair, I think I believe that he was not interested in this woman. I think they exchanged business cards before she became overly flirtatious. Where he let me down was in not telling me that she was making contact with him inappropriately. His behaviour and continued lies when I challenged him about it are the real sticking points for me.

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 09/09/2011 12:02

Maybe you should try some counselling on your own to see if you can figure out what's best for you. I appreciate you don't want to to anything rash and I have to agree with you, especially as you are having doubts. If you want to PM me, feel free.

windsorTides · 09/09/2011 12:06

I think you're being far too generous with him gwinkle. What you don't seem to be accounting for are the signals he gave out on that plane and the responses he has been giving during their contact thereafter. If he had deterred this woman at all, she would not have still been texting him and I think you must know that deep down. He will be keen to put all the blame on to her for being predatory, but even if that's true, he gave her the chance to be, didn't he?

Original poster
gwinkle · 09/09/2011 13:14

I know what you mean. I am trying to make sense of what has happened and obviously the fact that he has betrayed m y trust by lying again makes is hard to know what the truth is.

He does work in an industry where you are expected to be able to chat to strangers and be sociable. I do think it is possible that she has misread his signals. She then apparently asked to meet up and he declined. He should have been more forceful and he absolutely should have told me. But I do believe him when he says that he was not interested in her. Perhaps I am giving him too much credit, but I usually can tell when he is lying (hence why he has been caught out) and I don't think this is a lie.

OP posts:
mh85 · 09/09/2011 14:54

Ohh honey it's definately a lie.... he crawled on the floor ffs to get to his phone. SHE's not much better. Get him to leave his phone with you for 3 days - and take it immediately so he has no way of texting/calling anyone to warn them. Is he on contract? If he is check his text messaging numbers, phone calls etc - he sounds like an absolutely sneaky bastard

HerHissyness · 09/09/2011 18:39

if he had nothing to hide, as she says, and he is trying to say, why the commando crawl in the middle of the night?

he is lying, dig deeper love. I'm so sorry!

Original poster
gwinkle · 09/09/2011 19:27

I know. Perhaps I am clutching at straws here. It's so bloody hard to know what to do and what to believe.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 09/09/2011 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

twostraightlines · 09/09/2011 19:59

I was in your shoes (similar ones at least) nearly a year ago. I wanted to believe my H, that it was all over with OW, that he loved me and wanted to make it work.

Fast forward a year and he is much the same now as he was then. Maybe I made it too easy for him, I don't know. But he hasn't done anything like enough to prove that it's me he wants (possibly because it's not me but his comfortable family life he actually wants) and part of me wishes I'd heeded the writing on the wall sooner and saved myself a lot of pain and stress. But like you, I had to test it/him/us, mainlyfor the DC's sake, before calling it a day.

Now I know your H isn't my H, and your marriage isn't mine, but his behaviour and attitude are a lot like my H's, and they speaks volumes. Could you really ever respect and trust him again?

Original poster
gwinkle · 09/09/2011 21:04

I'm not sure!

We have had a long and (I think) honest chat this evening. One of the things I said to him was that I wonder whether it is me that he wants or whether he is accepting me as part of the package that comes with his home and children (who he adores). He is adamant that he actively wants me. I'm just not sure that I want him!

He is living elsewhere and I think we will take some time to decide where we go from here. At some point people will start to ask questions, but I guess we will just deal with things as they come along.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:
twostraightlines · 09/09/2011 21:07

Take all the time you need. Make sure it's you calling the shots.

What other people think doesn't matter (and if they know the truth they will all be on your side anyway).

Good luck.

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