violent evening

[LimonAde]

Hi

Don't post a lot on here, but...

I have a partner who is awaiting treatment for a mental health condition, possibly personality disorder. We are struggling to cope as we have been waiting for 2 years for a diagnosis and full support/treatment. We have three children, 2 from my first marriage.

He is quite controlling but also likes to play theh role of child, where he does nothing, I nag him and he then sulks so a lot of the time I am the one who appears in control.

The way he controls me is by refusing to speak to me or look at me, by lying (including about who he was at the start of the relationship) and by general behaviour designed to frustrate or upset me.

Tonight we argued and I got so mad from being given the silent treatment that I flung an Ikea curtain pole down on the bed next to him and caught his arm. (The pole was due to go up in the conservatory this evening, in case any of you are wondering). DP's response was to grab me, hit me in the stomach and then to strangle me until I was about to pass out. I ran out of the room and dialled 999 and he left before they arrived.

I have not heard from him since.

I don't know what to do. It is not (and never is) as simple as never letting come near us again.

I have huge debts to pay back because of him and I work full time while he cares for the children (he is signed off sick) I cannot take time off of work we have recently moved to try and get finances under control and I will not survive if I stop working. However, I cannot afford childcare and do not even know how I will get dd to school tomorrow, ds to nursery and care for ds2 while I am supposed to be at work from 8am until 7pm.

Help, somebody, please.

Sorry you have had such a horrible evening. All I can really suggest is that you speak to the Women's Aid helpline - from what I understand they can help with moral/practical support, and you don't have to be at the point where you feel ready to leave. Have the police come to speak to you in response to the 999 call?

Never go back! Get on with you lofe and nevef go back.

i dont think i could trust someone like that with my children purely for financial reasons. sorry.

i would call in work tomorrow and tell them you cant come in, then spend the day on the phone to the benefits office, tax credit helpline, csa and creditors to find out what happens if you suddenly are not able to work.

which is worse, being skint or living with the fear that this could happen again at any time? it could be the kids next

The Helpline number is: 0808 2000 247.

Dont know what to say really. Im sorry things are so difficult for you.

Seems like the hospital/GP will have to speed up things for your DP now though.

I have to be totally honest, i would be very reluctant to leave my children with my DP if he did that to me in a fit of temper. But im not in your shoes i guess.

get out!
he strangled you until you were about to pass out???? what if next time he goes a little bit too far?

please don't leave yourself and your children in that situation.

I think I will call the number - just don't want to be disappointed by feeling I don't fit into the usual categories and therefore cannot get help.

I agree that the time has come where even I must admit that himhaving the children is a risk, even though he is excellent with them.

Thanks for all the advice/thoughts

i don't know what to say apart from be strong! sometimes strangers can be the best friends in this situation so plase feel free to cat ne and then cal me if you want to talk

Do you have any family or friends to call? Someone who can help out with the kids while you get things sorted?

Thinking of you xxxx

Limonade - poor you, that sounds awful. You really need practical help in a situation like this and I hope Women's Aid can give it to you. My sister is in a violent relationship and she has been given lots of help by social services, even though she freely admits that many of the incidents are instigated by her and not her partner. They have set up evacuation plans for her a few times now, but unfortunately she hasn't gone through with them and tells her partner what's going on leading to more violence. Never the less they haven't turned their backs on her and do a lot of other things to help.

Do you have anyone around who you can trust? Family, friends or work colleagues who could support you for a bit. I'm sure Women's Aid/Social Services will have seen very similar things before and they know it's not as simple as just leaving when children are involved.

Hope you're ok. Let us know what happens.

Limonade, the first part of your post describes my dp to a tee.

He refuses to discuss any subject he feels is not to his benefit. I get stonewalled for hours if I ask him where the rent money went, or why he has bought such and such when we have no spare money etc ect.

He ensures that he puts me in a position where I have to pay all the bills myself, then spends the money allocated to do so.

The list goes on. I know how you feel, hard to speak to people like woman's aid when you feel you situation is different from the typical battered wife, but the thing is I don't think there is any typical.

Some men are 4 year olds with the rights of adults

I didn't call yet
still thinking about it
also worried that he might self harm and wondering what he is doing but not wanting him anywhere near me.

Colditz, you are so right. Sorry we are both in the same boat.I know that I antagonised him in a sense, but he was totally ignoring me in front of the children at times too.

What do you do. He manipulates me so much in those situations It makes me wnat to murder HIM sometimes. I never hit him though.

I was in a relationship similar in some ways to this. He was completely manipulative and a compulsive liar. Total control freak, had to know where I was and what I was doing at all times. We did not have children together or mixed finances, but I was with him on and off for 7 years. I still cringe when I think of how long I put up with it. I didn't realize how bad it was until I was having dinner with a friend one night. We were talking about battered women. I said that I couldn't believe a woman would stay with a man who abused her. My friend looked at me in disbelief and said, "You've been with a man who mentally abuses you for years!" It was like a slap in the face, but definitely something I needed. It was very hard to get away from him, but now I have dh and my wonderful ds and it all seems like a bad dream.

Please don't feel that you can't ask for help just because he doesn't chronically abuse you physically. The incident tonight shows that he is capable of physical abuse and I cannot imagine that he will not try it again.

Limonade, what you described sounds very controlling behaviour to me as well. Definitely non-violent bullying, as well as violence.
But I can see that your options aren't that great. I have been in a similar sitation myself, with similar options.

How long will it take for the treatment to come through? Would it get speeded up if you told them that he had been violent, or would that just put your children on the at risk list? And do you think that the treatment will improve your relationship anyway?

If you leave him, what are your options, realistically? Would you certainly have to give up your job and go on benefits, and if so, how long for? Can you go on benefits and re-train for another job? (Courses are often free if you are on benefits, including HNDs at your local CFE.) Would you have to move again? About the debts, you could declare bankruptcy I believe, though I don't know much about it. (Obviously, it wouldnt remove the moral obligation)

If you were scared enough to call 999, then I think that is a pretty strong signal about the state of your relationship.

You mentioned self-harming - if you are worried that he might do that, then it is just another method he is using to control you!