Child access....advice needed please?

[MrsHoolie]

hello.My brother has a 7 week old baby with his ex gf. They split up in the early weeks of pregnancy.
Before the baby was born his ex gf said that db could see the baby one evening a week and every other weekend. Obviously this all went out the window once the baby was born and db saw his DS quite a bit.
Db is now back at work and his ex is saying that because of the baby's routine (bed at 6:30pm) he can see him for 45 minutes on a wednesday night. When he sees the baby at the weekend it's for a couple of hours here and there.
I really feel for DB,he would love to see his DS more and just told me he sleeps next to a pic of his DS so he can remember what he looks like .
I have suggested he sees a lawyer to see what the baby's rights are with regard to seeing his Daddy. I think I'm right in thinking the Father has no rights?
His ex has said that he'll have to wait til he's older before he can see him more......but can't say when that'll be.
Please help if you have any experience with this,I feel so sad for DB.

buzz - yes. he is the father. he wants to spend time with the child. she wants to spend time with her child. so they need to come to an arrangement. she can't dictate when and for how long he sees the baby. they need to agree this.

if it goes it court (god forbid, having been there myself), they will not take into consideration at all any constraints she may have. court ruled access for my ex on days that i didn't work and my access on days that i did work. they don't take that sort of thing into consideration at all...

it is best all round if they can sort it out jointly.

the baby stands the best chance of an adjusted and balanced outcome if it has contact with both parents on a basis which is agreed and fair for the child, giving the child the ability to form a solid relationship with both parents. just because she has given birth to the baby does not, i'm afraid, give her any more rights to spend time with the baby than her exP...

Well it has to be slightly around his work pattern....unless she takes the baby into his workplace
She suggested he take every Wednesday afternoon off so he can see the baby then. But he has just started a new job and can't take off every Wednesday just because he's a single parent.

I don't think a court would give him much more at the moment. With very young babies little and often is the general rule (short bursts often). 5 hours for a young baby is a long time in a week. I can't see him getting much more than this. Especially as full time work logistically prevents it. No court is going to rule that the mother has to keep her baby awake to see him. She has to settle into normality and bond as well. Being a single mum to a tiny baby is a immensely hard job both mentally and physically - I know, I've done it.

With a very young child frequency of contact is more important than duration. It sounds like he is having contact with the child and that needs to be built on.
An intermediary or mediation service can help at this stage. If things go pear shaped and he has to go to court, the longer there has been a status quo of regular contact in place the better. As of April 6 this year, there is a pre-action protocol in force meaning he would have to attend a mediation assessment meeting before court.
It might be better to post this in legal as you are more likely to get responses from posters who understand the Childrens Act. You will also avoid unhelpful posts from those who don't.

OP - i feel for your DB. i really do. believe me, he needs to do everything he can to avoid going to court. the family courts are a lottery and there is NO justice to be had from them. there is no sense in what they rule - it is arbitrary and harsh. they are just as likely to rule every wednesday afternoon - just because - irrespective of what he can actually do.

in my case (DS 4, DD 2) they ruled that i have them on days i worked and exH had them on days i didn't work. he worked on those days so they were to be looked after by a nanny (employed by exH), even though i could have looked after them as i wasn't working on those days.

fortunately i have been able to change my working days and reduce them so that i now only work 1 day a fortnight when i have my children. but i was lucky. my employers are flexible and understanding. most employers wouldn't be.

Thank you Tyr. I didn't know there was a legal section
My DB doesn't want to go to court at all but as she won't negotiate anything I think it may be good idea. I didn't know there was a mediation service.
I definitely think it's the frequency rather than the duration.
I know how hard it is to look after a newborn alone as my DP was in the forces and was posted away for the first year of DD's life. I know it's different to being a single Mum though.

DB is a teacher so not flexible hours/days.
Despite how it sounds and how tense this thread is DB and his Ex are actually 'friend's' as much as you can be with an EX.
I'm hopeful that things can be worked out without it getting nasty. As I said before DB has done nothing but support his Ex and is always telling her she's doing a great job etc etc.
He is just frustrated that she isn't willing go negotiate and misses his new son.

My DS' dad and I are not a couple, and DS didn't see that much of his dad when he was a baby - it was only from about his being 8 months upwards that we started getting to regular visits. DS is now nearly 7, has a loving and very involved dad that he usually sees at least twice a week, his dad and I have an amicable co-parent relationship and everything's worked out fine.
MrsHoolie, it's very early days in the baby's life, and the baby will not be harmed by only seeing his dad a couple of times a week for the moment. To build a successful co-parent relationship, the dad has to put his own wishes at the bottom of the pile, be patient, be respectful, be kind and reasonable, and it will work out fine. IF he starts whining and issuing demands and upsetting the mother, then it could all get unnecessarily messy.

Your DB has the right to request flexible working like anyone else. Can he consider dropping a day and looking after his DS while his ex is at work?

I can't imagine being separated from my DS for very long at 7 weeks so I'm kind of with his ex a bit but it sounds like a horrible time for your DB too.

I hop they sort it out amicably.

X post re flexi working. I see.

Imagine if they were still together - he works five days a week (9-5?), he probably wouldn't see as much of the baby as he'd like anyway. This is a very hard bit for all parents and a lot of them would have had a few tears, rows by now ...
Just be there for B and don't get too upset at the moment. Can he gently say to her parents that he really wants to be involved, they can't be there forever surely? When things are a bit more settled 10-12 weeks is a bit of a milestone for that IME, then perhaps bath-time for him might work. But he needs to follow her lead with the routine.

I think there's no harm in your brother going to see a solicitor, at least to get an idea of what is reasonable and where he stands, especially if the mum is being inflexible or unreasonable. A good, experienced family law solicitor will have seen similar situations and council accordingly.

' A few couple of hours here and there ' doesn't sound acceptable to me. We live in an age of supposed equality and there is no reason why he shouldn't be spending more time with his child over the weekends assuming he's willing to be hands on.

Speaking from experience, there is nothing more infuriating than an XP acting like a gate keeper and telling you when you can see your own child rather than having a discussion about it and coming to a reasonable agreement. It must be very frustrating for him, but staying on good terms is valuable for all concerned. It will benefit everyone especially the dc if they see their parents getting on.

He obviously needs to work out how much time he can make for his child and when, and consider his XP and her life in this also. Think about how flexible he's willing to be and then broach the subject again ( preferably via email to keep a record ) . If she continues to be inflexible, move to mediation or find a trusted third party to mediate.