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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need some advice please!!

24 replies

PeppermintPasty · 07/09/2011 20:41

Evening all.

This kind of topic could at first sight be posted in AIBU, but to be honest I come here more often and feel comfortable here. Not that I'm expecting comfortable answers necessarily!

I can't be arsed to name change or anything. I post on here a bit and some might know a little bit of my history.

Anyway, my current issue(but I guess there's lots more behind it) is that me and my DP of 11 years have had a new arrangement re child care and work since April of this year. He left his (poorly paid) job and now looks after our two children (17 months and 4 yrs) full time. I work FT in a good job, reasonably secure for these days, and this pays for everything.

It works ok I think. Whenever I bring up the subject, all is well and him looking after the children is not the problem. He's immensely good at it and loves it, sees it as a privilege etc etc.

The problem is money, and how I manage it. I pay a small amount into his bank acc every week(we've never had a joint acc) and I also give him cash at the start of the week to pay for things to do with the children. I also more or less buy him whatever he wants, which I don't think is that much. He is however an ebay fanatic and is constantly fantasising about stuff on there for eg his (small and crappy) boat.

I've never denied him anything. I know he's on the lookout for a radio for his boat. Tonight, while I'm in the next room he bids on, and buys, a radio for £60 or so on my card. He doesn't tell me. I get an email immediately saying my card, which I previously registered for paypal, has paid this over etc etc(I don't use ebay). Not a problem that I paid for it, but am I wrong to object MASSIVELY to him not telling me he was doing it? I was only in the next room ffs. It feels like a betrayal of trust.

He then brings up that I don't pay him enough money and that I sometimes forget(true) to give him cash for the kids at the start of the week. When I say he should remind me, apparently it's my fault for forgetting.

The truth is, I wouldn't trust him with large(r) sums of money, ie that he wouldn't just blow the lot on effing auction sites, and I suspect trust is at the heart of this. He will also never ever talk(ha, or listen!).

I know this may seem trivial when compared to some things going on, but it's driving me mad. WWYD? Am I a hideous control freak? Emasculating him?

There's loads of crap whizzing round in my head actually, but I've already gone on too long. I won't be offended if no one replies. Rant over. For now.

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 07/09/2011 20:46

I think you need to talk.

I am a full time SAHM and each month DH gives me money. Apart from groceris/fuel I would never spend more than £50 on a non essential without running it by him first but that is my choice, he has nevet asked me too.

I suggest you set up a standing order so his money goes in automatically and then you don't have to remember and he doesn't have to sulk rather than remind you.

If you have not told him the money you earn is not for him to spend willy nilly then you can't really blame him for using it.

buzzsorekillington · 07/09/2011 20:50

Hmm, see I think it's peculiar that it seems to be your money rather than considered family money.

If the history is that he runs through money, gets into debt and has no impulse control then it would be understndable. If it's not the case, it does seem to infantilise him for you to be doling out small sums or buying him things rather than him having a bit of control.

I think when making a purchase of serious proportions it's right to consult each other, but if money isn't so tight that £60 is a big sum, then I think you're being a bit weird about the finances.

Littlefish · 07/09/2011 20:52

I think that the way you manage the money sounds a bit degrading if I'm honest.

If I was the SAHP, I would absolutely hate to have to ask for money for things. "I also more or less buy him whatever he wants, which I don't think is that much." This bit irks me - I would want to buy my own things, not go cap-in-hand to my dh.

I think you need to have a discussion and agree a certain amount for his own spending each month, separate to the money for the household expenses. I also agree with FAB that you need to transfer the money by standing order every month so there is no chance of you forgetting.

If you were a woman posting that your husband controlled the household finances in the way that you do, I think you would receive some quite harsh responses.

YouCantTeuchThis · 07/09/2011 20:57

He looks after the children to allow you to earn the salary that you do. It is not 'your' money, it is the family pot. There should be a general agreement about the amount over which you should run it past one another.

I think it is very telling that you refer to it as your money and you buying him things. No, he gets things from the family resources.

I don't even think a joint account would help, as you would still see it as 'your money' no doubt.

Original poster

PeppermintPasty · 07/09/2011 20:57

Hmm, yes, buzzsore, you're right on lots of counts. I DO consider it to be family money(I hope) but that IS against a background of him being a dick with money in the past. PLUS I think I am infantilising him because of that and other things-we got together when he was 18 and I was 31(oops, there's the real issue right there...!!). It's a lack of trust on my part, but he's not willing to grow up about money I don't think. And it's not the sum of money-it's that I was right there and he didn't just call to me and say "hey I've found a radio I fancy, can I stick it on the paypal card" or whatever.

I would love to talk about loads, but he's rubbish at that. FAB I have set up a SO that pays him "his" money into his account each week but true to form, he never hangs on to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppermintPasty · 07/09/2011 20:58

x post with littlefish and YCTT.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppermintPasty · 07/09/2011 21:00

Should I put a larger amount in his account and just get over it? I see what you're all saying about the way I'm putting it.

OP posts:

MangoMonster · 07/09/2011 21:06

Probably need to talk and sort out something more structured so you both know where the boundaries are.

MangoMonster · 07/09/2011 21:08

Joint account would be good, then you can see where it's going. But he will need some money for himself.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/09/2011 21:08

What do you mean "true to form he never holds on to it"? You give him money to spend it, don't you?

buzzsorekillington · 07/09/2011 21:10

I can totally see why you would be upset then, given the history.

Maybe work out a fair & equal amount of spending money for you both (after bills, expenses, kids stuff & something aside for savings/unforeseen events). Then if he spent all his and has nothing for himself 'til the end of the month, it's his problem? How would he react to that?

SheldonsBazinga · 07/09/2011 21:13

The answer to whether or not you are being fair is to consider reversing the way you handle the finances.

From now on all the money goes into your dh's bank account. He will transfer a small amount into your bank account each week and also give you some cash at the beginning of each week. If he forgets to hand the cash over then you will go and ask him for it. If you want to buy something from e-bay you will check with him first.

If this sounds like a good deal to you then yes you are being absolutely fair. If it sounds horrible then it's time to re-think things.

ChippingIn · 07/09/2011 21:14

I agree with the others that it sounds like a terrible situation for him - not one I could cope with BUT it does sound like he's entirely brought it on himself and I am not irresponsible with money - so no one would have any call to treat me like that - therein lies the difference.

I would tell him we need to talk - whether he likes it or not. If he's co-operative go through your accounts and agree on an amount for the kids which can be trf'd weekly and an amount for him that can be trf'd to a separate account monthly. If he wont talk you decide what is reasonable - then change your account details so he can't help himself to family funds.

ChippingIn · 07/09/2011 21:15

Sheldons - that assumes that both partners are equally responsible with money - if he isn't it's not fair to put the family in jeopardy with regards to paying for the necessities.

Original poster

PeppermintPasty · 07/09/2011 21:20

FAB, he's always worked (in fairly poorly paid jobs, but that's not his fault, he's a grafter etc), but what money he has earned he's ALWAYS seen as his. I had to argue strongly for £60 a week from him when I was on maternity leave and when I was part time. He resented it at first and then got used to it. I know that the way we are is partly my fault in that I was the "responsible" one when we got together, and he basically lived with me and I paid for everything and never asked for or wanted a penny.

We then had children. Time to grow up all round. Aside from the £60 mentioned, I had no money from him and we didn't share costs equally. Now historically, and fairly, I always thought-fair enough, as I earn more, but any cash he did have he would always spend, and he's still like this. He won't accept this of course.

Sometimes I feel that we/I have set this pattern and ten yrs later it's causing us problems.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppermintPasty · 07/09/2011 21:21

I see what you're saying Sheldons, but he just isn't responsible with money.

OP posts:

notsorted · 07/09/2011 21:22

How about sitting down and working out what what you earn, what the family needs and what needs to be saved for treats/rainy days and then sticking remnants into a joint account and see how he gets on. Then he feels it's the family income and he will learn to budget, or not? If basically he goes through the whole lot in first week then yup he has a problem, if he uses it up and you say wanted to go to the cinema together and there was no money left, he would feel responsible. You can sit down together and do a family budget/see what's left and then discuss treats for the both of you?

SheldonsBazinga · 07/09/2011 21:26

Ah, well if he's always seen money that he's earned as being "his" then I think he's forfeited the right to complain about how you deal with the money you've been earning.

In that case I've changed my opinion and think that under the circumstances you've got little choice other than to do what you're already doing. He's brought it all on himself.

CactusRash · 07/09/2011 21:35

Pepper TBH I would ressent having to 'ask' my partner or run it by him. But I would probably do it because I would want to share my excitement about having found this radio that I was looking for iyswim.

Which then brings a question, did he actually talk to you about it afterwards or was he trying to 'hide' it/not mentioned it?
Or is it that you were expecting him to ask first? (Which could be understandable if he has been unreasonnable with money)

Personnally, I think you need to organize yourself so that there is money for the family, money for yourself and money for himself. Have a 'joint account' for general spending and see how it goes if/when he has spent all 'his' money. Would he use the family pot?

Having been in the opposite sitaution (me not working and H working) I absolutely hated the fact that I could not spend money on myself wo someone else looking at what I had done (and feeling judged for it). So I always ensured that I had 'some' money on my own account for that.

Original poster

PeppermintPasty · 07/09/2011 21:37

Thanks all. I do think I'm a bit controlling over money, because I've had to be iyswim. I do think we should sit down and put it all down on paper(though I kind of did this when we embarked on this new arrangement. Well, I DID do it, but he wasn't really interested that much). Maybe I should do the joint account thing, sort of shit or bust ha ha. Mind you, it's the bust that worries me!

OP posts:

CactusRash · 07/09/2011 21:37

x post

CactusRash · 07/09/2011 21:41

I think you do need a joint account of some sort because otherwise he will never see his money being family money. Or his spending being part of the family spending.

You obvioulsy have different attitude to money (he is happy to spend it all. Also prob never been in a situation where there was somethig left at the end of the month anyway??) but he won't be able to grow up if you do all the work for him.

What about a joint account where you put money for a restricted number of things (let's say ypu still pay for major things all the rest goes on the joint account) to start up with

Original poster

PeppermintPasty · 07/09/2011 21:59

yep this has got me thinking. I must do something as I can't stand his "whatever" attitude. I'm on my own when it comes to running the household, even though he's home all day. Maybe he would rise to the challenge....

OP posts:

ZhenXiang · 07/09/2011 22:15

I am in the same position as you I work while DH is SAHD.

It was very irresponsible of him to spend £60 on himself without discussing it with you first, especially as he is not taking any responsibility for keeping on top of the household bills etc...

With my DH he is not the best with money, but if things are tight and I say do not use X money, we need it for Y he will not spend it. I can leave my cards with him to pay bills for me and he will not spend above the budget without discussing with me first.

We have the arrangement that the CB and CTC go into DH's account so that he can use that for DD.

I pay bills out of my wages then whatever is left over after food and other essentials can be split or saved depending on what is needed.

Maybe you could set up standing order for the money that he needs for the kids so that is assured at the beginning of every week into a joint account.

Then you can agree some money which is just his once all household bills, food, travel etc is taken out. This could go into his account so that the two monies would not get confused. He could be free to do what he wanted with this and you should give yourself some spending money too.

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