Can you have new baby and NOT fall out with DH?

[GeorgiePorgieCHRISTMASpuddinga]

I'm 35 weeks pg with second baby and getting incredibly panicy about giving birth and the way I'm going to be with DH.

Please can someone re-assure me that it isn't all doom and gloom when you bring a new baby home. I had bad experience with DD. I got severe PND and my marriage collapsed.

I am now happily re-married, but can't shake the feeling that it's going to happen all over again. I can already start feeling myself pulling away from DH and thinking about how horrible it was when DD was a baby. I think I've even managed to convince myself that I'm going to be no good with my baby.

This baby, althought a suprise, is very much wanted, and apart from these panicy feelings, I don't feel depressed....just really really anxious because I don't want this marriage to go down the pan as well.

I love DH to bits and I know that he's not my ex-h. They are two very different men. And logically I know that so many things are different this time. But the only experience that I've got is a negative one.

Do all relationships go thru upheaval when a new baby is on the scene? And if so, when do they get back to normal? Or do they ever? Or do they change?

So many questions that I can't answer for myself. I'm tying myself up in knots here and would really welcome some advice, tips, anything to calm me down.

Your life and relationship will go through an upheaval but hopefully it will be for the better. It will most likely bring you and your dh closer together because you will be sharing in an amzing experience. Yes the sleepless nights etc will take their toll sometimes and you will argue but at the end of the day you will come out of it stronger. It's natural for you to feel so anxiuos after what happened last time but as long as you talk to your dh about your fears everything will be fine. Good luck

Not sure really what to say as I have never had PND but thought I would post anyway and offer the best advice I can.

Do you think your DP will support you, will he be able to help with the night feeds etc
? I think just knowing you have someone to turn to in the first few weeks helps so much.

I think everyone finds it hard to adjust with a new baby but because you are both going through it together you seem to find strength from each other.

Good luck x

georgieporgie, poor you, you sound in such a state of anxiety about this.

fwiw, i don't think there is any reason for your to suppose that the same thing will happen as last time. it is hard on a relationship having a newborn, just from a logistical point of view (no sleep, much less time for yourselves etc) let alone emotionally. however, as you know yourself, they grow up incredibly quickly at this age and things change fast. i think if there are things wrong with a relationship then having a baby magnifies them, but if a relationship is basically sound you do both come through it, hopefully with an even stronger bond than before.

it's totally understandable that you feel anxious, but although there is upheaval there is also joy and you do get back your coupleness.

also, you had pnd before, doesn't mean you will get it again, but if you do perhaps you and those around you will be more aware of it, and you'll be able to access more help and support. is it something you've talked to your dh about?

i do feel for you...

You answered your own question.

Your dh is not your ex-dh.

All relationships are under some strain when a new baby arrives. Thats only normal. Things are not the same any more. You both have a little baby to look after on top of hardly no sleep, work and the baby's constant demand for things.

When my dd was born both dh and I definatley felt the strain but a few months down the line things started to ease again.
Maybe some people will say that things don't change at all but if it does, IMO, it's totally normal and to be expected.

Try not to work yourself up about it and just enjoy these last few weeks with just the 3 of you.
Could you maybe speak to your dh about how your feeling? It may ease some of the stress your feeling. Maybe go out for a nice meal, just the 2 of you before your baby arrives.

Relax and good luck.

great idea about meal out just the two of you nbg.

you need to tell him your concerns so he is aware of them and can make allowances (because he is going to have to i think).

things fell apart with me and xp after having ds1, we carried on with a horrible on/off relationship til 2 weeks after ds2 was born and i got rid for good. i was worried how things would be with dp when ds3 was born but i told him everything i was thinking and i think it did make him understand why i was unreasonable a lot of the time. ds3 is 18 months now and although we do argue more than we did, i have no doubt that we are staying together. things are just about getting back to normal now ds3 is sleeping better. it does take time, but i think thats the case with most people

IMHO talking is the best way to eal with problems and anxieties.

I don't know you obviuosly but I'm sure if you had a good ole chin wag with your dh, he would be quite sympathetic to how your feeling.

Ladies. You are all life savers. Thank you for your advice.

I will sit down with DH and have a proper talk with him. It's the least I can do for the poor bloke! Have been pretty distant and horrible to him for the least week or so. Blamed it on pg hormones....

[slight aside] Sophable... look forward to meeting you on Tues at Debenhams cafe.

Thanks again for all your kind words and wisdom.

I can't claim to speak from any position of great authority but for what it's worth I'd say so long as the two of you can communicate you'll be ok.

Tell him how you're feeling - at the moment and then when the baby comes keep talking to him.

It might help as well if you talk about ideas you both have about child rearing -I know that makes it sound like some kind of agricultural practice but what I mean is that I think it's worth finding out if you have any fundamentally different ideas from each other. E.g. the two things dp and I fall out over quite often are 'whether or not to leave dd to cry when she wakes at night' and 'whether or not to insist ds eats all his food at meal times'.

It was a surprise to me that dp & I have quite different ideas on those things but generally we've managed to stay together relatively easily and it definately does get better after the initial exhausting few weeks.

Good luck

I agree- sometimes we expect our partners to be mind readers! Tell him now how you feel no matter how silly it may seem- you'll probably find he's anxious too.
Communication is the key even if it seems paranoid or over the top I'm sure he wants to share your worries and then he an try and help put your mind at rest.

i have a 10 week old baby and i had PND with dd1 and my relationship broke down too but i was very young and her "father" was a complete waste of space plus i had other problems with money and being so young etc now 6 years on i've got dd2 im in a very good relationship and feel very happy and secure i was worried like you are but its worked out really well we hardly argue even with the tiredness etc but it is hard work and at the start i did have to point out what i needed him to do and he's been very helpful since then and we are really happy and looking forward to xmas and sharing our lives and our children together

im sure you'll be fine i agree with what everyone has said about communication.

When i first had dd the first night i was in hospital i was feeling guilty that i wasnt with dd1 and guilty that i felt happier even though the birth was worse than the first but im over that now and we're all getting on fine.

I fell out with my family instead - it was me and dh against the rest of the world!

Seriously, Georgie, think you are doing the right thing by getting these feelings out into the open. Hope posting here and talking to dh helps.

(Btw I made up with my family, it's all fine now).

In answer to your q children can strengthen relationships as well. I think they always put strain on them, but - going to sound cliched - surviving taht strain and grabbing some of the beautiful moments about having a baby can really make you realise how good you are together

Agree with the other MNetters. Your new Dh isn't your ex. Sit him down and explain your worries. Let him in so that he can support you.

Just because you suffered PND last time doesn't mean that you will this time, butis you do and your Dh knows it happened last time he will be able to help you through it.

As long as you keep talking the birth of your litlen will bring you closer togeather no matter what happens.

Take care, Gem

Just wanted to say thanks for all your great advice.

I have sat down with DH and talked to him about how I feel. Had a good cry too - think it had been building up for a while and am feeling a whole lot better about Beany's arrival.

GPPP, I had a ds with (my very lovely, still friends) ex h and had mild pnd and a lot of shock/upheaval.
6 years later I had a dd with dh2 and no pnd or unheaval or bad bits in our relationship, despite the fact that our dd didn't sleep much for 1.5 years (she's 2 now). So my second experience was entirely different and much happier. Some of it had to do with the fact that it wasn't such a shock the second time round. So yes, ime, you can have a baby and still get on well and be happy with your partner, absolutely.

(((HUGS))), GPCP! I had very severe PND first time round. I know how you feel. It's very, very scary, hon.

Things can be different! This time, I appear to be unaffected. Do your healthcare providers know your history? It's important that people know so they can help you if need be.

Just had DD2 one week ago today, and the expereince is SO much different!

Yes, we are tired. Yes, we have had our snaps, but we feel more relaxed, experienced, etc.

We've learned to let housework and cooking from scratch go on the back burner for now and focus on our our two lovely girls.

Hope you have a better expereince this time. Every mother deserves it.

I felt exactly like this a month ago. DD now 3wks old & I feel like huge weight has been lifted. I had pnd with ds & I felt a lot of it was due to marriage being crap. Split up soon after. Never wanted another child as pnd was too much to go through again.
Nine years later, pg (by accident) & was very concerned about pnd rearing its ugly head. I decided that

1. relationship with dp a million times better than with dh.
2. now I was a second time mum with a bit of experience & confidence in my abilities.
3. I knew the warning signs & could seek help earlier.
4. I was physically healthier than last time so I wasn't going to have my sleep deprived even more with my IBS.

Still, it didn't stop me worrying. Write a list of how things are better now. You are a stronger person now with a supportive dh. As long as you keep communicating with those around you who care for you. Best of luck. x