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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am sat in the car. What do I do?

55 replies

CarouselLover · 06/09/2011 19:11

I've just walked out and I don't really know what to do now.. Am sitting in my car crying and shaking like a leaf because DP went into a rage and threw stuff around the flat. Not totally trashed but it was awful and I was really frightened. This was about an hour ago, I just put some clothes in a bag and walked out..

Been with DP for 2 and a half years and we've been through quite a lot together in that time. Tonight though, I feel like he's crossed a line. He is usually a wonderful man, is very loving and attentive etc but sometimes when he drinks he can be quite verbally nasty toward me. This doesn't happen every time he drinks, usually when he's feeling down or something shit has happened that day (like his ex telling him he can't see his DC). Most of the time when he drinks he's just extra talkative and jolly.

So anyway, a few weeks ago he lost his job. He's been distracted from it for most of the time since then by visiting family but they've gone home now so he's back to job searching. I came home from work yesterday to find he'd been sleeping all afternoon (and possibly drinking because I could smell beer but he denied it) but I brushed it aside hoping it would just be a one-off.

I came home today and couldn't get into the flat because he's lost his keys and he had mine. I was ringing the buzzer for ages and ages before he finally answered. Turns out he was asleep again but today it was a heavy, drink induced and he's been smoking cigarettes as well, which he knows I hate. He was acting very groggy and I was asking whats going on? why has he been drinking all day? has he searched for a job at all? etc. I was going on at him, admittedl,y but last time he was out of work it lasted a year and I just can't do that again! He wasn't answering and tried to push me out of the kitchen where we were standing so I'd stop asking him questions but I wouldn't be pushed out so he stopped pushing me and I walked into the kitchen saying "so what have you been doing all day apart from drinking? Anything?" that's when he flipped out and started throwing stuff all over the place, went onto the bathroom (still throwing anything in reach) and slammed the door.

I know I sound like a right harpy going on at him like that but I just don't know how to deal with his depressive episodes! I know I handled it all wrong but I cant take another year of supporting him, I feel like he isn't even trying to find another job! He really frightened me and I don't know what to do, am just sat here in tears.. Please don't tell me to leave him, I love him. I just want to know how to help him and let him know I won't tolerate this happening again.

He hasn't called or text since I left an hour ago. What do I do?? Do I go back and try to talk to him? Or do I go with my initial instinct and go and stay at my sisters for the night? Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
CarouselLover · 06/09/2011 20:32

I don't know what he thinks. He's never done anything like this before so I don't know if he knows he's crossed a line. After he went into the bathroom I put some clothes in a bag and asked him for the keys, which he didn't give me. He came out of the bathroom and watched me while I got the phone charger and walked out.

We didn't say anything else and I'm not going to call or text him.

My sister has made me a cup of tea and I'm going to have a think about things. Thank you all for all your comments, I do know this has changed things, I can't just ignore it but I need to decide how to deal with this :-(

OP posts:
buzzsorekillington · 06/09/2011 20:35

Your best bet is to make a stand now - stay away until he has got therapy, has stopped drinking altogether and works to prove himself capable safe and loving partner.

If you go back now or too soon before he makes changes, if you make the moves to appease him, you wll be giving the message that actually you will accept him smashing up your home and perhaps worse.

buzzsorekillington · 06/09/2011 20:37

capable of being a safe & loving partner

HerHissyness · 06/09/2011 20:43

Don't call him, don't contact him, don't even reply/answer calls or texts today.

take the time to think about YOUR life and how you would like it to be. if he can fit in with it, good, if he's going to drink his days away and mope about on the sofa... that's another thing.

HerHissyness · 06/09/2011 20:43

Switch your phone off.

Jemma1111 · 06/09/2011 21:25

Op - I imagine most posters who are reading this thread know exactly that your partner HAS crossed the line, and they know that its very likely that if you stay with him YOU will be the one he will eventually throw about, sorry to say.

Honestly, do yourself a favour and set yourself free and don't look back, life is way too short for you to waste your time on this no hoper.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 07/09/2011 16:09

How are you today, Carousel?

Original poster
CarouselLover · 07/09/2011 17:16

It's been really hard to concentrate on work today. I'm still having trouble matching up my mild mannered DP with the man who flipped yesterday, it's like they are two different people.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarouselLover · 07/09/2011 17:19

Oh and he still hasn't contacted me. I'm trying not to get upset by that. I have to go back to the flat now to get some stuff for the next few days so I'm hoping he's there because he still has my keys.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarouselLover · 07/09/2011 17:50

Just had a call from a mate of his who is stood outside our flat. Apparently he's not answering the buzzer and his phone is going straight to voicemail. He'd better be there because he knows I can't get in unless he is! I really hope he's not in the same state he was in yesterday!

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 07/09/2011 17:53

thinking of you CArousel. call the police if you are worried

Deesus · 07/09/2011 17:57

Make sure you take someone with you when you go round Carousel. Daft question but does anyone else have a spare key you could get? Otherwise could you get a locksmith to let you in if you can prove you live there? Sorry, not got much experience of this sort of thing but i'm trying to think of some options for you! We're thinking of you on here anyways fwiw x

Original poster
CarouselLover · 07/09/2011 18:05

His friend is waiting for me there. I'm a bit worried now..

OP posts:
neuroticmumof3 · 07/09/2011 18:16

Hope you're ok. Be careful.

Deesus · 07/09/2011 18:16

Is this person a friend of yours too? If not please try and find someone else to go round with you.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/09/2011 18:19

Definitely take someone with you.

maxylou · 07/09/2011 18:30

Hope your ok and dont go into the flat alone

buzzsorekillington · 07/09/2011 18:38

What deesus says. Take someone else with you, don't go with just this mate of his and him.

ednurse · 07/09/2011 18:46

Yes take someone with you!

Original poster
CarouselLover · 07/09/2011 20:13

His friend waited for me to arrive because I asked him to, he's a nice guy.

DP was there and wasn't drunk or anything. I didn't speak to him, just got more stuff and left him and his mate to it.

When his friend called me earlier and said he wasn't answering the door I was a bit worried he might have done something stupid last night after I left because his friend said he hadn't responded to his calls all day and that's why he went round.

DP didn't seem to know I'd still be angry. Could it be possible he doesn't know he's done something wrong? He can't possibly have forgotten picking a coffee table up and throwing it across the room can he? FFS!

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 07/09/2011 20:17

He will certainly have rationalised to himself why picking up a coffee table and throwing it across the room was a perfectly justified thing for him to do. And following on from that, he will permit himself to be surprised that you are still angry. Anything to avoid thinking that he has done something wrong.

Just because it's what he believes doesn't mean you should be swayed by it. It's bollocks.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 07/09/2011 20:22

Here are the tools that abusers use to duck responsibility for their own actions:

  • minimisation of what they have done; "it wasn't so bad"
  • denial that they did it, or that it was bad, or that there is an issue at all
  • discounting your feelings about the abuse; "you're over-reacting"
  • blaming you for it, or their upbringing/circumstances/the neighbour's cat/you name it. Anyone or anything but themselves.

Expect to encounter any or all of these if you talk to him again.

Original poster
CarouselLover · 07/09/2011 20:37

Well I'm not having that, I'll have to talk to him at and tell him how serious it is that he got drunk and lost control. I'm at my sisters again tonight and planning to stay away for a while, but if he's rationalising then I need to talk to him to make him aware that I'm not accepting that and it's not ok, right?

He's talked about getting help for his depression in the past. I'm thinking about telling him he'll have to go to his GP and tell him what happened and ask for a referral. I think he'd do that voluntarily if I can make him understand how scary he was and that I left because he frightened me. If he doesn't get help I'm don't think I can go home :-(

OP posts:
notsorted · 07/09/2011 20:45

If your sister is ok with it, stay at hers at least till the weekend. Take a look at stuff on the web re abuse. It may not fit the bill to you, or click immediately but this is like a car accident - a huge shock you need to get through various processes on your own or with comfort from your sister. You've had the shock, you've had a little dose of brandy via your sis and here, you are going to absorb, think, absorb, think etc, etc and you need to do that yourself without his next move or what you think he should do colouring your judgement. You, you before him and before you and him.
Be easy on yourself for as long as you can

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 07/09/2011 20:50

Have a talk with him if that's what you want/need.

Convince him to do what he has talked about doing in the past (getting treatment for his depression), and thereby become responsible for his actions once again, if that's what you want/need.

But first ask yourself: is there anything that your words can tell him that your action hasn't already told him, clear as day?

Your action was exactly right (leave after frightening and physically destructive outburst).

His response should also be through his actions: will he do the right thing? I've no doubt he can say plenty of things that will confuse, manipulate, guilt, placate, or otherwise enmesh you. But can he show himself to step up to his own responsibility?