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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

STBX asking DCs to keep a secret

25 replies

oooooo · 06/09/2011 16:55

STBX and I have been separated for 6 months. He has apparently met someone new, and introduced her and her son to the DCs at the weekend. The problem is he has asked the DCs to keep it a secret, and they are in knots about it. I don't trust him around the DCs and I don't want them thinking that any grown-up has the right to ask them to keep a secret.

Does this sound like a plan?: I'm going to tell him that I know, and I've told the DCs that he told me himself. I'll ask him to back me up on this and absolutely not get upset at the DCs for telling me. I've already reinforced with the DCs that it's not right for any grown-up to ask them to keep a secret.

Background:
They are 4, 3 and 1, and the 4yo has been the one most upset.
The reason I left him when I did was that I found out H had been looking at porn featuring men abusing their daughters. (Apparently legal as the website stated that they were over 18...) He was also abusive towards me - the initial reason for my plan to leave him. So I have been very careful about telling the DCs not to keep secrets. They see him for short periods in a public place.

I'm delighted that he's found someone else as it might keep him away from us, but I hate this business with 'secrets'. We read a book about appropriate touching etc suggested by a family therapist way back when all this kicked off. Is there anything else I should be doing?

OP posts:

lubeybooby · 06/09/2011 16:57

I agree re: secrets. What does STBX mean though?

Original poster

oooooo · 06/09/2011 16:59

Thanks.
Soon-to-be-ex. I saw on here someone thought it meant STupid Bastard ex. Both make sense to me.

OP posts:

Stormwater · 06/09/2011 17:07

You sound really sensible and like you're dealing with it well. He sounds like an utter cunt. Hope that helps!

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 06/09/2011 17:11

You poor thing. What an utter tosser he sounds. I like your plan because it protects them

Original poster

oooooo · 06/09/2011 17:12

You're astonishingly perceptive, stormwater
He's calling to speak to the DCs at 6, so I want to make sure I have the message right by then.

OP posts:

Original poster

oooooo · 06/09/2011 17:14

You too, GetAwayFromHerYouBitch. Funnily enough, I was thinking about your username earlier, whilst getting all steamed up about this. (I'm a namechanger, obv.)

OP posts:

MangoMonster · 06/09/2011 17:15

Must be a nightmare for you, sounds like a good plan though.

picnicbasketcase · 06/09/2011 17:18

I thought maybe it was one of those new MN acronyms like WTAF. Stupid Twatty Bastard Ex perhaps.

I agree with you - he should not be putting them in a position that involves them keeping secrets from their mother, especially considering the reason for your break up. Keep calm, don't get angry but be very firm on this.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 06/09/2011 17:20

ooooooooo - it's a nice aggressive one, isn't it ? (I'm not really like that ....)

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 06/09/2011 17:21

re-inforce to them how pleased you are they told you

Original poster

oooooo · 06/09/2011 17:29

Ha ha! WTAF has just given me much-needed light relief! (It took me a while to work it out).
Will do, YouBitch - I had been downplaying the whole thing since DD was a bit upset, but it's worth using this to reinforce that message.

OP posts:

PrimaBallerina · 06/09/2011 17:39

He looks at porn where men abuse their daughters?

I feel very worried reading your post for the safety of your children now and in the future. I notice noone else has picked it up so maybe I'm overreacting but it gives me the creeps.

Original poster

oooooo · 06/09/2011 18:01

Prima that's the whole point, and I think the others have picked up on it. You're not overreacting; I worry about it all the time. The contact arrangements are the best I can do atm. In fact stbx is threatening to take me to court to get unsupervised overnight access. And my lawyer can't promise me he won't get it.

OP posts:

PrimaBallerina · 06/09/2011 18:08

I was actually just coming back on to say no, I've thought about it and I'm not overreacting. It is wrong on every level and more than a bit 'Fred West'.

Do you have evidence you could give to the court?

If you are concerned for the safety of your children you can self refer to Social Services so they can assess whether your ex should have unsupervised contact. You don't need to worry about them taking your kids away - they will only want to see that you are doing everything you can to protect them.

Your post has really bothered me as you can probably tell.

NettleTea · 06/09/2011 18:11

I remember you, and Im so sorry that he is still playing up. You were right to be rid of him, and you are right that he has no right asking the kids to keep secrets from you, that is so so totally wrong. Do you still have the solicitor - anyway they can drop a line to him about his behaviour. I seem to remember that he sed to create a drama every time you met for contact and a few choice words put pay to that. maybe time for another letter, suggesting inappropriate behaviour and questioning unsupervised access. doesnt mean that you will follow through, just a warning that you are not to be messed with. He was very abusive, wasnt he, and a big gaslighter, so dont let him turn it around.

MajorB · 06/09/2011 18:14

You're definitely doing the right thing, and I thought that even before I knew about the dodgy porn watching.

I really hope he doesn't get over night access, surely any reasonable judge wouldn't allow it - but how do you get proof of his "preferences"?

I really feel for you OP and wish you and your family well for the future.

ImperialBlether · 06/09/2011 18:38

What an awful man! There's no way he should have overnight access.

Can I ask, was it an incest site that he was on? I know that even on regular porn sites there are links to all sorts of things - was he on the incest site a lot?

I wonder why he wants the woman to be kept secret. You finished with him, so what do you care who he's with now? Is he playing the hard done to man, so a girlfriend would put paid to that?

How awful that he told them to keep a secret from you. In my opinion, the only secret a child should have from his parents is about Christmas and birthday presents. Good for your kids, telling you.

Original poster

oooooo · 06/09/2011 18:40

I do have evidence, which should be useful for court. The police here and abroad (where it all happened) are not interested because of the over 18 line. I self-referred to SS abroad, who didn't take it further because I'd left stbx. I asked the police here (twice) and WA about SS here but they both said that SS won't do anything as nothing's actually happened (yet).

Yes he was very abusive, and yes he's still creating drama over contact. Until recently I stayed to 'supervise' contact, but seeing him verbally abuse me was no good for either the DCs or me, and just encouraged him tbh. (I left him in part so they wouldn't think that was right or normal.) So now I basically watch the exits when he's with them. He's ignored the last 3 letters from my solicitor about his inappropriate behaviour, so that feels a bit toothless atm. I've spoken to the police about his harassment and threats and we've agreed to take it further if he does it again. I'll tell him this when I feel up to the fall-out.

It's such a mess, isn't it.

OP posts:

Original poster

oooooo · 06/09/2011 18:50

x-posted, Blether.
No it was on a 'mainstream' site. I don't know if he looked at the incestuous stuff a lot, but it was more than once and I didn't stick around to find out any more.

He lies all the time, about everything, seemingly for no reason sometimes. If he thought it would upset me he would be open about it, I'm sure. I can't think of anything beyond that.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 06/09/2011 19:19

I can understand why some women emigrate when they divorce. It must feel lovely for them, to be so free and start up on their own. Scary, but great.

Original poster

oooooo · 06/09/2011 21:17

I did, but the fecker followed me.

OP posts:

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 06/09/2011 22:31

It crossed my mind this girlfriend might be really young.

babyhammock · 06/09/2011 23:27

Echoing the concerns of the other posters maybe, in asking them to keep a secret, he was testing their ability to do just that IYSWIM.. grooming them to not tell you things.

He sounds awful and I can't imagine he will be granted overnights

AnyFucker · 07/09/2011 07:35

I remember you

I am sorry he is still fucking around with your peace of mind

These men seem to manage to do that, even when you leave them

You are doing all you can, I think. Keep fighting to prevent overnight access. Although, without trying to scaremonger any unsupervised access provides an opportunity for wrongdoing from him

keep talking to your dc's and praise them highly for not keeping his "secret"

Original poster

oooooo · 07/09/2011 13:01

Thanks for the advice.

I hadn't thought that this could be conscious grooming on his part. I need to stop minimizing his behaviour, really.

I had worried about the new gf's safety and her family situation. AFAIK she only has a son who is about 10, and no daughters. So she can't be too young, and having no daughters is brilliant. I have no idea who she is, so I don't have to worry about whether to warn her or not atm.

OP posts:

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