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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone confessed to an affair and managed to save their primary relationship?

60 replies

RoverandRuth · 05/09/2011 13:51

I am at my wits end.. me and dh hit rock bottom a few months ago. I made a huge mistake and slept with someone else - twice. Me and dh have now got a reasonably good relationship... but he doesn't know about the betrayal..and I am about to tell him later thsi week.

I love him dearly. I don't want us to split - ever. Through my own stupid fault I feel I am going to blow his and my 2 young dds' worlds apart... and I know I deserve it..even given the appalling state of our marriage at the time it happened...which is no excuse.

I am desperately hoping he will want to stay with me.. to work through it... to stay as a family. I have no idea how to go about telling him..how to process it all..what he needs to be able to do this.

Has anyone else confessed to an affair and come out the other side? Please, if you can help, I would really appreciate it. Please do not flame me. I know I did wrong. I feel sick to my stomach at the furore I am about to cause.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 05/09/2011 21:04

Lying by omission, scottishmummy?

scottishmummy · 05/09/2011 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 05/09/2011 21:08

Firstly, could it be an ingrown hair? I had something similar ages ago.

Secondly, think very hard whether you tell your H about the affair. As someone who has recently found out about my H's affair I cannot tell you how hurt, angry and betrayed I feel. It rocked my whole world and although we are trying to work things out and my H says he loves me and has made the biggest mistake of his life, I cannot guarantee him what will happen in the future. I want us to work but I'm totally devastated. Our poor DC's have witnessed lots of tears on both sides. Would I rather not know? - I don't know. I know I wouldn't want my worse enemy to go through what I've been through, but if there is any chance he will find out it's probably best if it comes from you first. Also, as hotchoc mentioned, not admitting it will mean that the vulnerabilities in your relationship will still exist and you may think that you can have another affair as you got away with it the first time.

A tough decision!

heleninahandcart · 05/09/2011 21:15

OP stay away from looking up symptoms, get down to the clinic tomorrow. There will be one open near you at at least one location

It sounds exactly like a regular spot. It happens. If it is a spot, they will reassure you IMMEDIATELY.

You are punishing yourself. You will probably 'find' another punishment/reason to tell him so while you are there, it is also possible to have a finger prick HIV test these days which gives immediate results too. You may have to pay for this.

I see nothing to be gained by telling. Its not like in films, love does not conquer all, even if your marriage survives, it would at least take a severe knock from which it may not recover.

If you feel you have to tell someone, make sure its a professional counsellor and not your friends. This was a one off mistake you made, now it will be your job to deal with it so do not allow yourself the luxury of telling RL friends/aquantances/anyone if you want to be sure it stays with you only.

scottishmummy · 05/09/2011 21:19

would you all tell a man
do not beat self up
dont punish self
oh diddums
...nope not at all

mn double standards at its worst,being a female shagger doesnt mean an easier ride.no pun intended

cecilyparsley · 05/09/2011 21:23

Hi Scottishmummy, yes I really would say the same to a man in the same situation :)

scottishmummy · 05/09/2011 21:25

really all dont beat self up
diddums
the cup overfloweth

ImperialBlether · 05/09/2011 21:33

If my ex had had that kind of fling then no, I wouldn't want to know.

yellowraincoat · 05/09/2011 21:33

I know people who have had affairs, never told their partner and blithely carry on. It makes me feel SO sad for the unwitting partner.

Having to constantly hold your tongue and pretend this hasn't happened will be so bad for your relationship, the tension would be awful.

I do think that relationships can survive an affair, but o doubt it will be really hard.

HenriettaFarthingay · 05/09/2011 21:43

Find out exactly what is going on with the spot. Sounds to me like an ingrowing hair, perhaps a hair's been pulled out. Don't think it's herpes.

Then, assuming all is well, keep quiet. If you wish to assuage your guilt, do it some other way - make amends by doing voluntary work or something. Don't break the hearts of a man who loves you and of the children who love you, just so that you will feel better. Whatever you do, don't pile your guilt on your man's shoulders. Some secrets are made to be kept.

Just don't ever do it again.

cecilyparsley · 05/09/2011 21:44

I'm sure loads of relationships survive affairs because no one is any the wiser, sure some people would find the tension unbearable, others wont.

By definition we only get to hear about affairs that are outed in some way-no one finds out about the affairs that no-one finds out about so out perceptions about what happens when someone has an affair are 'skewed'

leicestershiregirl · 05/09/2011 22:58

Firstly, ignore scottishmummy and her unconstructive bashing.

Only you can decide whether or not to tell your husband. If you are sure it meant nothing if I were you I wouldn't tell him and let guilt be the price I paid for having the affair. But don't beat yourself up too much. Life has to go on. And maybe go to Relate counselling with your husband to try and improve your marriage.

leicestershiregirl · 05/09/2011 23:12

P.S. Unless you have contracted an STD, in which case I think you have no choice but to tell him. But cross that bridge if and when you come to it, hey?

LittleHousebytheRiver · 05/09/2011 23:23

I had an affair 3 years ago and hated myself and struggled to work out why I had behaved so badly. After 18 months I let my H find out on another forum I posted on.

In hindsight I was desperate for it to come out so we could address the problems but too cowardly to tell him. A year of counselling later I left him having peeled away all the layers and found nothing left at the centre.

It was horrible and I am still ashamed but I am glad it came out because now we are happy separated rather than unhappy together.

I say tell him, but admit your faults with humility

Eurostar · 06/09/2011 02:06

Those who are saying it isn't herpes cannot possibly be sure over the net, herpes on the genitals is often a spot or two, rarely does it look like a facial cold sore. If the spot has not been tingly and itchy though, it may well not be. However, there is another well known STD that starts with a painless spot, so vital you are tested.

For a positive swab from a herpes sore it normally needs to be taken within 24 hours so it might be too late. A blood test can show up infection but most GUM clinics won't do it as they don't have the budget and you will have antibodies anyway if you have ever been exposed to the virus. There is a test that shows antibodies when it is a new infection, but again, I doubt there will be the budget for that on NHS, you would have to go private. This page explains the tests well
labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/herpes/tab/test

fortyplus · 06/09/2011 02:12

Look what happens when a man asks for advice about whether to confess to an affair - here

HenriettaFarthingay · 06/09/2011 07:58

Eurostar I didn't say it isn't herpes, I said it doesn't sound like it (in my admittedly very limited experience, which is indeed very very limited, what with having had only one partner (DH) in my life). Of course I cannot possibly be sure, which is why I suggested that OP does find out about it before she does anything further. Your post, however, has done a very good job of scaremongering, so I think she'll be off toot sweet this morning to get things checked out.

porcamiseria · 06/09/2011 07:59

For me its a not a gender thing, she has said its a one off and I beleive her, if I knew that a man had a silly one night thing, and regretted it I would say the same to him too

anyway its null and void as she needs to get tested first

OP you know you fucked up, and I am sure you will always regret this.

get tested and see from there

I suspect her main issue is not wanting to break up her kids' family

scottishmummy · 06/09/2011 08:04

it might not be what you want to hear but fess up
stop guessing and go gum clinic
and have a bloody good think about why you did this and what triggers there are or were

baguettecut · 06/09/2011 08:40

Rover, please let us know how it goes today.

ineedabodytransplant · 06/09/2011 08:46

porcamiseria,

it wasn't a ONS though, it was twice. Would you still say the same?

Now I am not going to start bashing the OP, sounds like she is doing that to herself.

Luckily never in that position, but if my stbxw had slept with another man twice then I would want to know so I could have a say in how my life panned out. The secrecy would hurt if I was to find out 5/10/15 years down the line it would probably be even worse.

As fortyplus linked there is another thread where a bloke has posted saying he hs fallen for another woman, and the general view is to tell the wife.

There is always going to be two sides where others say tell/don't tell. Unless of course the situation is so bad that everyone says tell and get out.

porcamiseria · 06/09/2011 09:00

its not black and white and its a huge fucking mess, not that OP needs me to tell her that! On MN all you get is opinions, not advice necessarily, just opinions

baguettecut · 06/09/2011 09:23

I have given advice. This woman needs support, not berating. (As I've already said). Actually I'm sure she's gone already, I could feel her fragility.

tadpoles · 06/09/2011 09:36

"I know people who have had affairs, never told their partner and blithely carry on. It makes me feel SO sad for the unwitting partner."

Your sympathy may well be misplaced. Before we got married my partner had a passionate fling with someone which he concealed from me (not very well, I pretty much suspected). In the end, he 'confessed' and I was furious. Not about the fling but the confession which was done purely to relieve his guilt - it was not done for my benefit at all. Also, what really irritated me was that at about that time (I too had had a little flirtation, very modest) he had become all preachy about people making excuses for cheating. I remember thinking: what the hell is he going on about,? It was only years later that I realised it was all projection and to do with his own guilt - hypocritical twat!! Still, we went on to get married and as far as I am aware he didn't give me the clap. It was 25 years ago so I guess I would know by now.

OP - what are you hoping to achieve by your 'confession'? If you were a catholic you could in all good conscience go to your priest who would forgive you in the eyes of god. If you are not, then maybe go to a counsellor. You seem to have got your knickers in a right old twist - proably wasn't even great in bed either, was he this bloke?

heleninahandcart · 06/09/2011 10:34

OP your situation is different from the other post from a man which has been referred to here. That is why the advice he got is different, it is not because he is a man.

He says he does not think he loves his wife
He says he loves the OW
It was OW that finished it, she does not sounds that keen
The other poster has told 3 people and his mother so his DW is likely to find out and also feel betrayed that other people know
The other poster IMO does not appear to have taken responsibility, he is not looking too why he had his affair. If the OW had not finished it, he would already have left his DW for OW.

You OP, know it was a mistake
You love your DH
You want, above all else to move on from your mistake
You have taken responsibility for it
If you deal with your issues you will hopefully make sure you never do this again
If you keep your own counsel, your DH will not be subjected to the humiliation and double betrayal of finding out other people knew.