Is there still such a thing as long marriage?

[Stormfromeast]

I'm coming up to the 23rd year of marriage. Each year it seems to be getting harder to keep the marriage going. I don't know if it is to do with getting older or what. We have two lovely children aged 20 and 17. DH has a 85 year old mum who still thinks no woman is ever good enough for her son. And there's a SIL who is goody-goody two shoes and I feel DH benchmarks me against her. I don't have my family here - they live 10,000 mile away. It does feel lonely sometimes. Anyone who's still in a long marriage has any tips for me?

In the past few months, DH has taken to visiting his mum every month. I said I don't want to go on monthly visits as it is not my duty. He didn't take this well but remained silent. Last week DD went to stay with his sister for a long 2 days and arranged to pick her up on Saturday. He arranged to meet his mother and siblings for lunch before hand. Of course I wasn't told of this arrangement until the Saturday morning. When I confronted him for not "inviting" me for lunch, he said that he didn't think I wanted to go. I was furious. We haven't spoken since. I think my marriage is dying.

You did tell him you didn't want to visit his mother as it was not your duty so perhaps he thought you wouldn't be interested. On the other hand surely one more for lunch would have made no difference.

My DH says he feels that he has been married for a 1000 years.

He feels that this is a compliment.

It's ok - I understand him.

Man, these posts make for comforting reading. Sort of.

Been together for eleven years and bugger me if the marriage bit isn't dull right now. Got a 1yo DS who's fantastic and we both adore, and takes up most of our time together. But once he's in bed, we want to watch different TV shows, complain about what chores need doing to each other etc etc. It's no fun at all.

I really think that if we didn't have DS, house etc we'd honestly look at each other and think things would just be easier on our own. Not even that we think we want someone else who's better for us, but we just can't be arsed with each other. Singledom sounds awfully appealing.

Having said that, I remember singledom being a one-track chase to try and get a partner, and all the things that I'd rather be doing right now were dull then (because I could do them whenever I wanted).

Seems like lots of people here are in a similar boat. Not exactly a perfect outcome, but makes me dread the though a little less that this is my life for the next 50 years until I die.

Life really isn't as much fun as it should be, is it.

I can't believe people stay for the house ! Life is short to live it miserable

22 years.
Very happy.

Had a difficult time when ds2 was going through diagnosis which was 13 years ago.
Since then it's been great.

We are just kind to each other. We help each other and like each other. He makes me laugh, he is very smart and kind and we both adore parenting our kids together.

I agree with LadyLapsang. I wonder how many people feel that their marriage has become stale because on some level they rely on their partner to entertain them.
I am happy on my own, happy with him because I make myself happy.
Every anniversary we talk honestly about whether, if today were our wedding day, would we do it again. I always would.

I think that sometimes, just sometimes, you chose to make it work or chose to step away and start withdrawing.

@noddy

Well, no fair enough - the house is more of an embuggerance that just makes you put off anything for a bit, then another bit, then etc etc

DS is really the most important person in either of our lives. I doubt I could cope with only seeing him at the weekends, or whatever.

tallulah you reminded me of a thread on Gransnet recently, with the dirty jeans cycle. A woman complained that her husband cut his toenails and left them on the bedroom carpet every week and would not desist. So she collected them, added them to his supper and he ate them!! I was really shocked. Then lots of other Grans added their stories of how they punished errant husbands.

Although I do not recommend you add his jeans to your next Shepherd's Pie.

I hope you will excuse me if I am being too irrelevant.

Oh forgot ,25 years.

This should be a good and exciting time for you and your DH. I have been married for 27 years, with 2 sons 20 & 17. I found the years when the boys were teenagers and both at home difficult - I was the odd one out. Now DS1 returns home from uni for holidays and DS2 is involved with his social circle our mariage is much better. We do some activities individually - DH does walking and trekking and I go riding. The things we do together - our musical interests, museums and galleries, weekends away are much more fun now there are only usually 2 of us. It is like the early years of our marriage all over again. If you are feeling negative about the relationship and nothing on the practical front such as caring for your sons ( who should be independent at their ages) /money/jobs is getting you down perhaps you should start afresh as a single woman?

It's been really kind of you all to offer me your insights. I used to tell my friends that the mere thought of 22 years of marriage makes me tired. What I didn't say in the beginning, which is the trigger of this doubt. About 3 years ago, I discovered he was visiting escorts. When I confronted him, he said something like: "... we've been married for almost 20 years ...". I remembered thinking "that doesn't give you a reason to go searching for greener pastures". I forgave him. Now I think this discovery is haunting me.

We met in 1970, and have been married almost 39 years. He's still the only person on this earth who can make me smile when I'm down. He has his faults, as I do too, but I couldn't live without him. I adore him. He works away a lot and still phones every day no matter how busy he's been, or what the time difference is. Not only that, he'll inconvenience himself to be sure it's at a time when I'm up and not the middle of the night here.

Stormfromeast - I think you are right. On reflection the main cement for us is just that wonderful "this is where I belong" feeling that is confidence that you are in the right place with the right person. The situation with escorts was so disrespectful to you that it must have struck at the bedrock of your relationship and made you feel very uncared about.

No wonder it's haunting you! Is he still doing it?

I'd like to think I can move on from a discovery which is 3 years old. He gave me his word then, that he won't do it again. And I believe him. The truth is that I don't want a life without him and I don't want my children to have to visit two parents. So I am going to try very hard to make it work.

Almost 30 years here. Yes, There are times when it is hard going. But at other times it just seems so easy. We have interests that we share as well as some we definitely do not. It's not a problem. He is amazingl about sharing the household chores - so what if it is painful to watch him do the ironing or making the packed lunches - I just find something else to do away from it! I think that when you've been together so long, it could be easy to take it for granted and to get snippy with him about things that I used to find endearing. But then I think about how life would be if he weren't here and I know that I do not want to live that life. I love the fact that his smile can make my tummy do somersaults and that he can catch my eye across a room and make me blush because I know exactly what he is thinking- and I love going home with him so I can just check that I didn't misread that dirty look on his face! I love the discussions we have about anything and everything, from the most trashy subjects to heavy politics and current affairs. I love the fact that we share a similar sense of humour. I love that we can sit in a room in absolute silence and that it feels comfortable and right, we dont feel pressured to fill the silence with noise just for the sake of it.

I dread being the one left behind. And as we get older, I know that for one of us, that day is coming.

On those days when it feels as though we are snapping at each other constantly ( because it does happen) I still know that I do not want to be without him. Even if we've argued the night before, his is still the face I want to wake up to in the morning.

That is how I feel you have written it so well. We are going through it a bit at the moment with a few things but with him I feel I can get through it unscathed! If you are still young and desperately unhappy I think it is worth breaking ties and waiting for something better

I dread being the one left behind. And as we get older, I know that for one of us, that day is coming.

The way you've described it epitomises for me what it means for a couple to be soulmates. Trouble is, I think very few couples actually have that. It seems like many stay together for logistical/money reasons, ie the op has said she'll work on things cos she doesn't want for the kids to have to visit two parents etc. And these things are very real reasons and I empathise.

I always wonder why there's such an apparently huge bridge between being together in the same house and being separate but co-parenting amicably.

Yes I wonder that as well helltotheno - there is no accepted formula for co-parents who live separately - it seems that it is either live together unhappily with no affection but just the common aim of looking after the children and providing a family for them or going to hell and back by getting divorced. It would be simpler to acknowledge that marriages need periodically re-evaluating and that if they aren't working there might be a way of amicably keeping communication flowing and of co-parenting separately but well.

Dh and I will have been together 16 years next year and have three kids at primary school. If it weren't for the kids I would move on and I think dh would to though it's difficult to know as our main problem is being unable to talk about anything to do with us, ever. I would talk but dh doesn't without becoming unbearable. Just the short fuse he is sometimes on, losing the plot about absolutely nothing and the fact that there is no affection between us - we NEVER touch each other apart from having the very occasional shag (which then pisses me off even more because I do not understand how he can do that but never touch me or put an arm around me on a day to day basis) would be more than enough for me to wave GOODBYE.

The other thing is that the house we live in is his and this puts me in a weaker position in lots of ways.

I like the security of marriage (mostly) and the fact that there is always someone there to share things with. Also love family life. Friends who have not been in a relationship for a long time say that they miss the companionship and having a partner to do things with. Some of the do seem quite lonely.

For me, the down side is that there have been some relationships with men that I would have liked to develop - not necessarily in a sexual way, although that might have happened - more close friendships and 'getting to know someone'. That isn't really compatible with marriage unless you have an open marriage, a partner who ooesn't mind for whatever reason or have affairs. Neither of those options are particularly attractive/possible to me so I will stick with what I have. Could be a lot worse - I am amazed by what some women put up with and my partner is very well house-trained! (He might not say the same about me!)

Now I am beginning to wonder what are my problems. Like Tadpoles - i like the security of marriage. He's also very handy in the house. His selective listening and memory annoys the shit out of me, but I suppose I need to find a way to let that whosh over my head. On balance, we share many interests. The thing that gets us not talking to each other is his mother and sometimes sister. Again, what can I do with that. Anyone has tips to not let MIL get to them?

We've been married thirty-one years - as I said to DH, people get less for murder.

We are the proverbial chalk and cheese. DH is very sporty; when he is not sailing, diving or surfing he's dashing lycra-clad about the countryside on his bike. I, on the other hand, am bookish and reflective. There are things we do together - walking in the hills, restaurants, sometimes theatre and cinema - but never really spend enough time in each other's company to become bored.

Really, despite having an emotional closeness and loyalty borne of our intertwined history, we're the opposite of soul-mates, but paradoxically I think this type of relationship can facilitate a long marriage.

The IL issue sounds infuriating. I had a poisonous MIL - Evil Yvonne I used to call her (not to her face!) - but DH couldn't stand her either, so she didn't come between us. But I think in your position I would say to myself, "Right, Storm, you've let this upset you long enough. Your DH and his beloved Ma are not going to change their attitudes now, so you change yours. From now on you're going to be impervious. Let them get on with the mutual appreciation society and have a secret laugh at them!".

Easier said than done, I know

sayithowitis - what an utterly perfect post. You have put into words exactly how I feel. Thank you for that.

Roxy - i'll try that