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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP kicked me!

51 replies

NameChangeTaken · 03/09/2011 13:20

Just posted the same thing a minute ago but with the subject title "testingmynamechange" so I figured no one would open it as it looks like someone just testing their name change!

Thursday me and DP were walking along the promenade in our town and went to get chips. DP ended up getting a really expensive and small portion of chips which he was quite grumpy about. I tried teasing him about to lighten the mood and he kicked me (not hard) in the ankle! I was gobsmacked and gave him a look to say "are you joking?" he replied that he wasn't and then later that he wasn't going to apologize and i could break up with him if i wanted.
We walked along pretty much in silence for a bit and then sat on the beach where he said "Oh god, I'm so sorry I just meant to give you a gentle nudge and I accidentally kicked too hard - so said all that stuff afterwards to punish my self (This is something DP tends to do, say stuff he doesn't really mean in order to make ppl annoyed at him and punish himself.)

Okay, so I believed him and we made up and I just said "next time you accidentally nudge someone just say oops I did that too hard - sorry! Instead of going all weird about it."

Cut forward to today, we were chatting on the phone on his commute to work (we don't live together) and I said something like "promise me you didn't mean to kick me on Thurs." He said "no, I didn't of course not I just meant it as a joke and I kicked too hard!" So we talked about it for a bit then he hung up as he was getting on the tube.

5 mins later, he rings up and says "actually sorry X, I think I did mean it on Thurs- you can break up with me if you like. I have to go into work now but I'll call you later." I said I loved him and didn't want to break up with him. Then we said bye as he was starting work.

Right so what should I do? Break up with him immediately or forgive this as an out of character really twatty thing to do and tell him never to do anything like that again.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 03/09/2011 19:20

You saw what I said on the other thread, in addition to that, exactly, word for work, syllable for syllable what SGB said.

You have to dump him. There IS no joke, there is no excuse, there is no apology.

3 years is nothing tbh.... He's good, granted, managed to keep under your twat radar for 3 years, but now I want you to remove ALL the benefit of the doubt you gave him over the last years and really face up to the fact that this is something that has crept up, that he is NOT pure as the driven snow.

What insults, put downs, general off-putting comments/looks have you had until now? I'm fairly sure that this is not completely out of the blue.

t0lk13n · 03/09/2011 19:29

He is bad news! Look after you! You deserve better!

ShoutyHamster · 03/09/2011 21:16

'Ooh, I say bad things... to make people annoyed with me and so it's me punishing my messy, oh-so-interesting, tortured self!'

Oh grow up grow up grow up GRRROOOOWWW UUUPPPP Hmm

And he kicked you. It's never a one-off. Yes, dump him. He is an utter loser, and most probably a nasty piece of work utter loser too.

DUMP!

thisishowifeel · 03/09/2011 21:42

Wow...I thought mine was a nutjob...this guy is seriously scary!

As I said to my husband: No you can't come back as there is a very real chance that you could kill me.

Get as far away from "Raoul Moat" as you can. Seriously. Oh and they ALWAYS see themselves as the victim...it's part of their pathology.

mathanxiety · 03/09/2011 23:07

What SGB said.

Run while you still can.

He is a psycho.

anniepanniepears · 03/09/2011 23:16

how long have you been together? not that it matters Iam just interested
fwiw I would get shot of him

anniepanniepears · 03/09/2011 23:17

sorry just relised you have been with him 3 years
would still get rid

solidgoldbrass · 04/09/2011 02:12

So it's been three years and this is the first time he kicked you? I can make a good guess that within that three years he will have...
Broken or damaged some of your possession
Said horrible things and then accused you of taking them the wrong way
'Bumped into' you, especially when you were holding a hot drink or something fragile and valuable
Stood on your toes
Pushed past you, or blocked a doorway in order to continue an argument
Tripped you up...
Kicking doesn't come out of the blue. Kicking with the sort of attitude he is displaying is part of a pattern of abuse. GET RID OF HIM.

LeBOF · 04/09/2011 02:25

Fuck him off. He sounds about 14.

Proudnscary · 04/09/2011 08:52

You both sound incredibly immature - but yes agree with all the others, this will likely lead to an escalation of violence and also agree if you look back you will see other clues to this 'man''s destructive nature.

Get out of this relationship, read the Lundy book everyone's always banging on about (that is fantastic), learn to know and respect yourself.

susiedaisy · 04/09/2011 11:42

Completely agree with all the advice given here op, and what i thiught is did he kick you in public with other people around who would of seen this?? because if so i hate to think what he would do in the privacy of your own home if you were ever to move in with him,

my ex never actually thumped me or punched me, but he did threaten, swear, push, shove, throw things in my direction, stand over me, backing me into a corner, storm off slamming doors as hard as he could, warn me not to wind him up or annoy him, when all i was trying to do was discuss something, i did not gould him into a fight thats for sure, he would be verabally aggressive to other people if he lost his temper out and about, it was horrible and frightening to live with, and this started slowly once we had bough a house together and then just increased over the years, sorry i am waffling, but my point is dont accept this behaviour op as like others i feel it will become a pattern for you if you ever marry or cohabit.

Original poster
NameChangeTaken · 04/09/2011 11:57

Hi guys,

Sorry I didn't update you earlier but I slept for like a zillion hours last night.
You'll be very glad to know we broke up. I wait till he finished work last night, then I phoned him up and did it. I also suggested he went to see his GP, and you know what he seemed very contrite and like he really took in what I was saying. So hopefully he'll go.You know it wasn't even the kicking me in the ankle that did it - it was the weird reaction he did afterwards. Plus I (on thurs) thought to my self. If someone reacts like this to being teased about blinking chips, imagine how they'd be in a real crises.

I'm less upset than I thought I would be - probably cuz I'm moving towns in a few weeks for work so I've got some exciting stuff going on to distract me. I think i'll have a pj day today and then next weekend get the train and go see my best mate in Wales.

Thanks all for being there and giving me a space to write all my feelings down xx

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 04/09/2011 12:08

Good for you.

Just watch out for the whole "I'm sorry, I won't do it again, I love you, please give me another chance" thing.

aleene · 04/09/2011 12:13

Yes, well done but watch out for the pleas to take him back.

MadameOvary · 04/09/2011 12:15

Namechange - I really hope that you stay seperated - and please take some time -alone- to consider whether he did any of the things on SGB's list - you need to think about why you would let that stuff go.
I know that, pre-awareness, it's easy to view seperate incidents in isolation and carry on as normal, but you have to be on your guard now to prevent this happening in another relationship.

Good luck and well done for getting the fuck out.

babyhammock · 04/09/2011 12:16

Yup, I've no doubt at all he won't go that easily.
Try not to get taken in when he does come back whining..

But huge well done :)

t0lk13n · 04/09/2011 16:40

Well done namechange x

HerHissyness · 04/09/2011 16:48

"If someone reacts like this to being teased about blinking chips, imagine how they'd be in a real crisis"

THIS! ^ all of it, tattoo it on the inside of your eyelids if you have to, but this is exactly what you need to focus on. He mindlessly kicked you over a packet of chips. He told you he meant it, even when he cooled down, he told you he meant it.

You ignore this and if there really WAS a bigger issue, WTF would he do then?

He'd start kicking and not stop for starters!

A kick is such a contemptuous act, it denotes total lack of respect.

When this excuse for a male comes around snivelling all you have to say to him is:

"you kicked me. over a packet of chips."

" I gave you more than one chance to see what you'd done, and on more than one occasion you told me you meant it and would do it again! NOT WITH ME!"

"If you come near me again, I will call for help, you are a bully and not welcome in my life!"

Or any one of the above in no particular order...

Well done, stay well shot of this man. You dodged a bullet on this one!

mathanxiety · 04/09/2011 17:18

Your next move is to not answer any call or text from him. No contact at all. If there is stuff of his at your home, put it all in bags and tell him where he can get it (preferably a left luggage facility even if this costs you). Don't have anything more to do with him than that.

The 'taking it all in' was probably not sincere, just a way of taking the wind out of your sails and Part 1 of his effort to get a foot back in the door.

nametapes · 04/09/2011 17:26

yeah, he is testing you, and seeing what he can get away with. Plus, he sounds like a bit of a twit to say the least and has no respect for you.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2011 21:57

well done for dumping this fucking idiot

now please harden yourself against the flowers/chocolates/snotty sobbing/pleading/I love you's

they will follow

and if you have any sense of self-preservation at all you will coldly turn him away, repeatedly, until he gets the message without entering into any emotional conversations

deliasniff · 05/09/2011 01:17

I may be wrong but I think the opposite to AF. I think he probably wanted to break up with you but wanted you to do it which you now have. I think he took the cowards way out and that's why he didn't plead or argue.

Either way you are well rid so well done x

HerHissyness · 05/09/2011 01:17

yeah, we want to hear all the pleas of mercy, read all the texts you get, and you won't reply to him, you will see OUR replies!

They'll make you laugh if nothing else! Grin

HerHissyness · 05/09/2011 01:18

he hit her when angry, he's abusive... oh he'll come snivelling back alright!

Part of him won't believe she's actually dumped HIM... how could she? Shock Grin

MadamDeathstare · 05/09/2011 01:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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