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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I've been rejected AGAIN...

19 replies

DirtyStopout · 03/09/2011 10:05

Posted a couple of weeks ago about DH's lack of sex drive and how desperate I'm getting. He always promises to make more effort and never does. We've had sex 6 times in the last 4 years Sad

In my last post I mentioned a younger man at work who fancies me madly (a feeling I've grown unused to) and I'm seriously considering some NSA action just because im tired of begging DH for sex and being made to feel like a lech. This morning was a case in point. I woke a little early, DS was still asleep- I suggested some action and got turned down flat with a "maybe we'll do it tomorrow morning whilst away for the night". Past experience has proved that not even a night away from our responsibilities is enough to inspire desire in him, and tonight it will be "I've had a bit too much to drink" and tomorrow will be "still a bit tired, I fancy a lie in".

I am getting so fed up at feeling so undesirable. I'm not bad looking, in quite good shape and only 33- I also kind of feel that if I can turn the head of a 24 year hottie, then why can't my DH see the same qualities?

I love sex, and I'm so tired of feeling guilty for wanting it. I dont think I even fancy my DH anymore as it's hard to desire someone who is so asexual and apathetic to our sex life.

Help me, I just don't know what to do any more...

OP posts:
Original poster
DirtyStopout · 03/09/2011 10:19
OP posts:
ameliagrey · 03/09/2011 10:19

Read all the advice on the other thread here about "My DH doesn't want to have sex with me anymore".
Identical- excpet her DH has erection problems as well as no libido.

An affair is not the answer - unless you are upfront and tell your DH what you are doing. The odds are someone will get hurt- and possibly you.

All the usual advice- really-

counselling for both of you?
communicate why he doesn't want you?
Is it a physical issue or emotional?
Will he go to drs?
Does he masturbate- in other words does he have some urges but just not for you? Sad

This is not so much a sex problem- as ever- it's a relationship problem.

You both need to talk- serious stuff- about where your marriage is going, what his problem is, and if he is willing to try to fix it.

MrsHicks · 03/09/2011 10:20

In your situation, I eventually left. Was the best for both of us and now we both have sex lives - just not with each other. Sorry if that's not a helpful answer.

Original poster
DirtyStopout · 03/09/2011 10:30

amelia so sad that there are others in the same position...

He says he still fancies me but that we're just "out of the habit" - he doesn't see the irony of being the one refusingto get into the habit. He says he's nervous, but if I'm honest, it just sounds liken ex use. Before DS our sex life was reasonable, although I've always bad the higher drive. He doesn't masturbate, isn't having an affair (I can account for him all the time) and doesn't watch porn. He just isn't interested in sex.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 03/09/2011 10:40

Some people are really not interested in sex. Is your H nice otherwise? Is he good company, kind, fun, respectful of you? Does he do his share of domestic work and childcare? If he is an otherwise good husband and father then you need to renegotiate your relationship WRT sex because it is not satisfactory that he just expects you to put up with celibacy. Either he makes the effort to see his GP/come to counselling with you, agrees that you can have NSA sex with other people, or you agree to separate as amicably as possible.
However, if he is not nice to you, treats you with contempt and basically behaves as though he married you in order to have a housekeeper and children, then don't waste any more effort on him. If he makes threats about what will happen if you end the relationship (he will sue for custody of DC, stalk you, refuse to pay maintenance) then you will be able to see that he is not a nice man and can stop worrying about his feelings and concentrate on what you want.

babyhammock · 03/09/2011 21:38

What SGB said.. how is he generally?
Sounds soul destroying though.. must be very hard x

MmmmmCake · 03/09/2011 22:01

maybe he has issues that he doesnt want to admit to, physical or mental

it maybe nothing at all to do with not fancying you, just something he is frightened to talk about or get help for

littlepiglet · 03/09/2011 22:09

I'm so glad that I'm not alone (sorry OP, not very helpful), but I posted a thread very, very similar, on AIBU the other day.

No advice, but it sucks, and I told DH (via email) that if I weren't pregnant, and if an attractive man was interested in me, then I'd be very, very tempted - needless to say DH hasn't spoken to me all day... but it resolves nothing.

In my case it's not so much the lack of sex (which most posters seemed to think), it's the feeling of not being wanted; desired... special. It's the destruction of the intimacy - the bond that separates us from being 'just housemates'... I crave being a 'lover'... dumb I know.

I really hate the indifference, it's hard to feel loved & cherished, when your OH just is no longer interested

carernotasaint · 03/09/2011 22:14

There is also another thread on here called "Do people who refuse their partners sex have the right to object if their partners have sex elsewhere" which i contributed to. Ive done 15 years in a sexless marriage and im only 38. It is soul destroying heart breaking and the double standards over this issue are astounding.

cecilyparsley · 04/09/2011 01:06

I'd go for the NSA action in a heartbeat
(i'm not saying it's the 'right' thing to do)

solidgoldbrass · 04/09/2011 02:02

I really do hate the cult of monogamy. That's what causes misery like this - the idea that you give over ownership of your genitals to someone else who retains that ownership even when s/he has no interest in meeting your sexual needs. If your partner won't have sex with you, refuses to admit that there is a problem within the relationship and also threatens to make separating as difficult as possible, you are perfectly justified and in the right to have a discreet NSA fling with someone else.

LeBOF · 04/09/2011 02:10

Really? I'm not sure I agree. I think that generally in this situation, the person doesn't just want sex as an itch to be scratched: they feel sad that the person they love doesn't seem interested in intimacy. Sex elsewhere really just makes you confused and guilty. The issue is in their relationship, and if it can't be fixed, then it probably means separating.

jasper · 04/09/2011 02:18

sgb tonight I agree with you. Tomorrow it might seem a little more complex Confused

solidgoldbrass · 04/09/2011 02:41

LeBof: if the sex-refusing partner has threatened to make separation impossible ie wants the other person to remain in the relationship despite the misery that person feels due to lack of intimacy, then that partner has completely lost the right to expect monogamy or anything other than cheerful contemptuous compliance.

LeBOF · 04/09/2011 02:42

That is true, I guess. I still think the inevitable result will be splitting up though.

LeBOF · 04/09/2011 02:49

Have PM'd you, btw.

ameliagrey · 04/09/2011 08:48

When you said this SGB LeBof: if the sex-refusing partner has threatened to make separation impossible ie wants the other person to remain in the relationship despite the misery that person feels due to lack of intimacy, then that partner has completely lost the right to expect monogamy or anything other than cheerful contemptuous compliance.

There is nothing in the marriage vows that say a partner loses a "right" if they behave in a certain way.

What marriage does involve is sticking it out in sickness and in health, and for better or for worse.

If one person feels their behaviour in unreasonable, then they can divorce them.

It's not a case of "owning" anyone's genitalia- what a riidiculous phrase.

It's about love & commitment; not a 2-fingered Fuck You , I'll find someone to service me.

If the relationship goes wrong the answer is not to have your itch discreetly scratched by someone else, and add deceit to what's already happening.

Is that really going to make anyone happy?

I really doubt it- sex with someone else may well be a hollow, purely physical experience which makes the person feel even more worthless.

And just how do you keep emotions out of all this?

OP i think you need to have a serious talk and find a way forward- if this doesn't help then you might want to think about leaving, but not via an exit bonk.

solidgoldbrass · 04/09/2011 09:56

Amelia@ If a partner behaves horribly, they do forfeit the right to just have it overlooked. If a man is violent, he forfeits the right to live in the family home, for instance.

Original poster
DirtyStopout · 04/09/2011 13:16

Thanks guys for replying, sorry I've not been back on but was out yesterday.

In answer to your original question SGB he is otherwise lovely. He's a wonderful husband and father generally and is kind and loving. He's not as tactile as I'd like, but this has improved recently.

Last night DH met the bloke from work and recognised INSTANTLY that he fancied me. DH quite flattered, but also warned me to be careful. This led us on to quite a big heart to heart. I told him that I fancied the fact that this younger guy was attracted to me rather more than I fancy the young guy himself, and that I just wanted DH to be the one who desired me. We have agreed that something needs to change, and i think he now recognises the seriousness of the situation (amazing what a bit of healthy competition can inspire).

I've also been very clear with him that I'm not prepared to accept yet another "oh this is a problem, let's fix it, things will be better now" and the same cycle over and over again.

Fingers crossed. Thank you all for being so suupportive.

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