Help with difficult mother....

[lemonstartree]

I'm looking for a bit of perspective here

Its about my mother, and about her reaction when I tell her that my DP is moving in with me and my 3 kids.

13 months ago I finally kicked out my drug addict/alcoholic/emotionally abusive husband. This was the second time I had 'had enough' and this time I meant it. I visited a solicitor and was granted a decree absolute in April this year. The financial settlement is almost complete.

In October I met a lovely man. Quite by chance, I was not looking and was quite happy on my own with my kids. He is divorced with older children. We clicked, stated seeing each other- initially dating, and despite having to negotiate my divorce we have been and are, very happy together. He is great with my children.

So we have decided we want to live together. Its not that complex, we live close anyway, and he will rent out his flat and live with us. M mother will go nuts. I need help to manage that conversation. I am 46, its none of her business, except that it affects her GC I suppose. But I am afraid of her huffing, puffing and disapproval.....I find myself wanting to hide that fact that DP is living here and thats not right....

What will her objections be?

That I haven't known him long enough. That I 'shouldn't' ; she will be afraid I will get hurt; not unreasonable, but its the way she expresses it, as if I am the most disappointing, stupid idiotic child any mother has ever had to put up with.... and I can OBVIOUSLY not make any sensible decisions for myself....

and I am successful, good mum, solvent (just) etc etc

Is there any truth to what you think she might say?

The 'facts' are true; I have only known him 11 months,( and many people move in together sooner than this...) beyond that.... every relationship is a punt isn't it. You believe its right and hope it will work, but things CAN go wrong. There are no flags suggesting to me here that there is any reason at all for it to go wrong....

LST

I'm not at all suggesting that your mother is right but there may be some credence to what she is saying albelit very clumsily. You have been through a hell of a lot with your ex H. Having said all that, you are an adult and are old enough to make your own decisions on your life.

How well does your mother actually know this man?. If she got to know him more socially then perhaps she would be more reassured re you and him.
How much do you know about this man, his own family and his background?

Does he really have to move in with you as yet, why now?. Why not continue seeing each other as you are doing now?. Moving in together can bring with it all sorts of complications, not just emotional but financial as well.

I know a lot about him, have met his friends, colleagues, mother and children. No worries there. She met him after we had been 'dating' for about 4 months, when we felt the relationship was 'going somewhere'; and she has seen him quite often since then. I think she likes HIM - (which is a first! ) I don't think she likes or approves of ME....

This has been an onging theme in my adulthood, whatever I do, choose a Uni course, change job, have a baby, etc she is ALWAYS disapproving and negative.

As to why now ? it feels right. He is here a lot, it makes practical sense ( we will keep the financials separate for the moment - he pays his mortgage I pay mine) and we split the living expenses. One day we plan to sell both properties and buy together - in a couple of years maybe. And I think we want to 'move' the relationship on....He has been divorced for some time, and although I have not, my marriage was dead emotionally sexually and spiritually for many years ( as some of you will know from previous threads) I did my grieving whilst technically still married.

We have plans, small plans, about doing the house up to look nice ( out with exH clutter and squalour) the children have consistancy and reliable adults in their lives... Its feels right, and easy....

I dont know If I can explain that to my mother.....

Why not?

Your mother has nothing to do with it so once you have made a decision it is just about telling her and refusing to engage with any conversation where she gets you to explain yourself.

However, I would have grave concerns if I was your mother. I would be very worried that this was far, far too early for your children. You have emotional needs that can be met by this man (not necessarily living with you) - great. But your children also have emotional needs and giving them very little time to recover from living with an abusive relationship, then moving someone into their home whom they have only known for a few months is not meeting them, IMO. Wait another year at the very least would be my advice.

If your mother is making you feel inadequate and has your whole life, there may be a reason why you ended up with an abusive husband ie there may be other unresolved issues for you too.

Would you consider seeing a counsellor about your mum?

I have started seeing an counsellor, initially to help me make sense f the time I was with my ex - but what keeps coming up time and again, is my relationship with my mother.... I'm beginning to thinks that this hypercritical parent has had a greater influence on my life than I have previously realised.

Re waiting another year/the children's emotional needs. I'm not sure I agree with that (but then I wouldn't would I )

Fair enough, but it might be something you want to explore with your consellor (not to be persuaded, but to look at your motivations in this relationship as well as others). Good luck

At the end of the day, the decision to have your fella move in has nothing to do with your mother. If you don't trust her opinions or reasons for giving them, don't even think about them. It's your life.

However, if there is even a small part of you that questions your own judgement, then pause. You don't have to wait a full year, but it might be worth mulling it over with your counsellor for another three months or so. Your own motivations and reactions might become a lot clearer by then.