Christmas is coming and there's still a big rift between my and my christmas guest. Mum.

[Mincepiedermama]

Up to now I have been a very dutiful, attentive daughter. My mum was despressed for years and I went through it with her and helped her however I could. In restrospect it was a real burden on me in my 20s and early 30s.

I've always 'phoned her 3/4 times a week for about an hour each time. (I always try to get off the 'phone earlier but she is thick skinned). She can visit whenever she wants and I take the kids to see her. What's more I've always told her that when she's too old to cope on her own she can come and live with me and I will look after her.

She has really let me down recently. She has always been selfish and needy, (not at all maternal) but this time she has refused to be there for me in spectacular fashion. I was very ill and begged her to come but she wouldn't. I ended up in hospital. She then let me down at very short notice two weeks later. I feel like something in me has snapped. The sense of duty is no longer so acute.

I'm very hurt. I don't want to 'phone her. Usually guilt/duty gets the better of me and I phone her but this time I just don't feel like it.

The problem is she lives alone and I have invited her for Christmas (before the trouble). I've done this out of duty because I always do it.

We haven't talked now for a couple of weeks and Christmas is getting closer. I know she's depressed about the situation because my sister has told me.

What would you do?

Spidermama, this is the mother who refused to come over when you were really ill because of her DOG, isn't it? Personally I wouldn't invite her but since you have I think you've done the right thing telling her when you want her to leave. And I think you're right to leave confronting her until the new year, don't give yourself the added stress.

You sound like a fabulous daughter. Much better than me. My mum was depressed/an alcoholic for years and over the last few years I have pretty much cut myself off from her. I also begged her to come down and help me when I was ill after dd2 was born and she refused. That day something in me - I hesitate to say died as it felt more positive than that - shall I say, detached itself, and since then I get on with my life and she gets on with hers. I try and speak to her once every few weeks and would like her to come and visit but she never does.

I am on a mission to ban guilt from my life!

Will you be happier if she comes for christmas? could she go to your sisters?

sorry didnt read your second post

I read the book Toxic Parents when I was little but tbh counselling sorted me out a bit - and having my own family that I try to keep peaceful adn happy

Spidermama,

Just wanted to say that i admire your courage and strength for ringing your mum , and being so in control, despite how you feel. I have a very difficult bp mother who is also very selfish and self centred, who never takes responsibility for her own actions. I have decided with a great deal of soul-searching, that she will be unhappy and upset if we don't have her for xmas, but if we do, then all of us will be unhappy. And although it breaks my heart, and I feel dreadfully guilty, it is the right thing to do for us. Good luck I hope it all goes well.