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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to be on my own

12 replies

backtothedrawingboard · 02/09/2011 17:53

I know I have got to end my marriage because the effect of staying with H is making me so ill and unhappy. But I don't want to be lonely. He is going to make me fight really hard for terms. I can't begin to imagine the pain of seeing our DCs hurt by our separation. But I cannot stay. It will destroy me if I stay because I will continue to hate myself for being so weak and so manipulated by someone who tells me several times a day that he loves me but shows no love for me through his actions.

But I am so scared of the pain and the loneliness to come.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 02/09/2011 17:54

are you not lonely and in pain now?

Original poster
backtothedrawingboard · 02/09/2011 17:57

Yes

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 02/09/2011 17:59

Change is scary. But you know it will be change for the better. Being hurt and lonely on your own is infinitely preferable to being scared and lonely with someone right there.

Be kind to yourself and make that change you owe yourself.

bumpsoon · 02/09/2011 23:20

Absolutely no need to be on your own , i have a husband and three children here ,who will make you yearn for years of solitude . Being 'on your own' is only scary before it happens , once you are there ,after two weeks ,you will be willing no-one to ring or turn up because you have a lovely evening of crap telly and a big bar of glalaxy ( which is too small to share ) planned Grin
Give it a go , honestly you will not be disappointed .

solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2011 23:41

Being on your own is always better than being with an unsatisfactory partner. The loneliness you might feel when you live without a partner is temporary and bearable, the loneliness you feel when living with someone who is deliberately abusing you is horrific.

FabbyChic · 02/09/2011 23:57

Hey it isnt lonely being on your own, it's liberating. It's great to not have to worry about someone else. When you live with someone you constantly worry about them, about what effect your actions have on them. When you live alone you only have you to think about.

garlicnutter · 03/09/2011 02:19

Another poster went through a very painful break-up with an extremely controlling partner on here. After the split, she posted that she and DC had all had takeaway pizza for tea, sitting on the sofa with the TV on :) All three had been previously disallowed by partner. She said it was the happiest family evening for years.

I remember the loneliness of being in bed, night after night, with the person I'd chosen to share my life with and who seemed not to know or care I existed. I remember, afterwards, lying star-shaped all over my bed, no-one there to reject me or remind me, by his actions, how little I mattered.

Sometimes I feel lonely. But I still do star-shaped, and it still makes me smile :)

LittleHousebytheRiver · 03/09/2011 07:47

Being on your own is SO much better than living with someone who bends you out of shape. I'm a bit worried I might never actually want anyone to live in my house now, and have to do an Antonia Fraser with any new partner.

I'm with the pizza lady: I spent a night in a hotel drinking from the minibar and having instant coffee just because I could!

Don't be scared, see it as an adventure and a chance to find out what you really like. It will all be fine!

MrsMiniver · 03/09/2011 09:52

Your DC will be confused at first OP but when the dust has settled they will thank you because they'll see how much happier you are. It worked for me, my DD now aged 11, was 7 when I got divorced and has two caring and contented parents who just happen to not be married anymore.

As for being lonely? Just take on board the comments from these wonderful women and I will add my little nugget of wisdom: being alone and lonely are two different things and you'll find that your life improves beyond measure when you are finally out of a relationship that is making you ill and unhappy. Sure I get lonely from time to time but the feelings always passes. When I was married the feeling of lonliness never left me.

And nothing beats star-fishing in bed garlicnutter, have the bed all to myself this Saturday morning and wouldn't want it any other way. No-one to annoy me, make me feel sad because of his lack of kindness or make me feel helpless about the future. The future is yours OP, Take it.

Picoloangel · 03/09/2011 13:21

I am in a really similar dilemma and just wanted to say that these answers are so inspirational. I am not sure that I am there yet re whether to abandon all hope of my relationship but I certainly know that it's a possibility.

Am reluctant to say too much because the last time I bared my soul on here somehow DP found out and that's made things soooo much worse. Pretty good idea who told him and not sure it came from a good place. I digress...

Just wanted to say good luck to you and I am sure you will find support on here and amongst your nearest and dearest. I will be really interested to know how you get on

MangoMonster · 03/09/2011 13:40

It's probably lonelier to be with someone who makes you feel lonely than to actually be alone, if that makes sense.

PoppyField · 03/09/2011 23:28

Dear Backtothedrawingboard,
I am near where you are on the time-line. I am on my own because I asked my abusive DH, finally, to leave our home a couple of months ago. I made all sorts of excuses for his horrible behaviour towards me, I exhausted all the possibilities whereby it could or might have been something I'd done. I wondered and scratched my head, felt hurt and terribly terribly sad at the unkindness and downright cruel words he felt able to send in my direction. I couldn't believe that the kind and decent man I married had turned on me viciously. I remember one thread - about not having sex for months in fact - that solidgoldbrass replied to astutely. She was far more astute than I was prepared for at the time i.e that my relationship was in trouble and that my husband was abusive.

I have fear. But like previous posters, it is nowhere near as lonely being on your own as it is being with someone who, for some reason, is being deliberately unkind to you. That is torture. You will be better off without that kind of treatment. It is scary. You will have support. No-one around me - friends, family, people who care about me - has questioned my decision. They all saw me growing smaller and more fearful before their very eyes. I am grieving - but not for what I had, but for what I had hoped for. I have started on a new life for me and my beloved DCs - I feel that for every day that passes, I have gone further towards my new life and away from the cruelty and sadness of what went before.

Nobody deserves to be treated like this. Why should somebody who pretends to love you be trying to destroy your personality? It is wrong. That is not love. Be strong and get out. Poppy

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