Do I not deserve some respect?

[misslinneaflower]

It's late and I should be in bed but I can't sleep. My man can be the most wonderful guy but he has a big problem, his anger. He can snap for anything! After having been together for over three years I have learned to tip toe around certain subjects, how to response to his anger but I'm sick of it and in the end of the day - I deserve better!
Today I had it with him. We were in town with our son (14 months old) and he was upset and grumpy. OH said he must be hungry so we bought something. "Where's his drink?" OH asked, "oh I must have forgotten it at home" I said. "How the f can you go around town all day without a drink for him!?" F that and f this we bought a drink, not big deal. I then noticed that his nappy had leaked (use cloth nappies so it happens sometimes) and he was wet, that's why he was upset "You're F stupid aren't you!?" my OH shouted at me and kept going on. I just had enough told him to f* off and walked away. I never do that. I very very rarely tell him back, thinking I should be a better example.

Now he's angry with me and hasn't spoken to me all night. How how how am I going to deal with this? I hate this side of him and it's not good in front of our son. He needs to learn how to deal with his anger but I'm at loss here... Myself I'm a very calm person that never gets angry with anyone. I just don't understand him at all. Why can't he just take it easy? To me, it's disrespectful, the language two people use in a relationship means a lot. Words hurt and makes me feel so little.

Ring Women's Aid (link at top of page) as soon as you get a chance when he is not around.

You can also ring to book an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) who can tell you about what you would get if you split up.

I know it's really scary to contemplate going it alone, but there would be many good parts to being a lone parent. Peace of mind and freedom are major factors.

Linnea: I bet your friends already know that this man is abusive. Abusive men are good at claiming that everyone loves them and pities them for having to put up with a mad disobedient wife, but the truth is always that other people thinK 'what a prick! Bet he's beating her. Don't waste any more time trying to 'get through' to him, it won't work. He thinks that women are trainable domestic animals, so he won't ever understant that his behaviour is wrong.'

I was in a relationship like yours.
Now I am a lone parent.
There is no comparison, my life now is so much happier, easier, more carefree than before. Any difficulty in being a single parent pales into insignificance compared to walking on eggshells all the time.
So please don't be scared of going it alone!

Sorry to hear what you're going through. In addition to being abusive, he's very hypocritical - he swears at you, calls you names and says this is how couples argue. When you tell him to 'Fuck off' once, he says you speak to him like a dog in the street. This is what he does all the time so he obviously doesn't think it's acceptable to be on the receiving end.

I think you're right to leave, this isn't a healthy relationship for your son to see.

"He says all couples [swear and call each other names] when they argue" - no they don't.

Looks like things are moving on for you OP. If you do have to engage with him, only do so when he is calm and level headed (maybe too much to ask) and as hard as it may be, stay as calm as possible. He's looking for you to react in the same way so he can throw you off course and he can put some more justification on his actions.

The minute he starts F'ing and blinding, simply disengage and tell him you won't be spoken to like that and you won't speak to him when he's acting as he is. Walk away. Let me clear, I'm not saying any of this is your doing, because it obviously isn't - just don't let him drag you down. You'll be so much clearer in your mind if you stay calm.

Good luck :)

''He lost it straight away and started shouting "what the f do you want then? Do you want to break up? Is that what you want?! So do it! Take the money, buy yourself a ticket and go back to !!!" ''

He won't listen to you when all you are basically asking for is some respect. He then turns this on you by making out that you want to end the relationship while he is the innocent party. He isn't. You are. He sounds like a total bully.

You deserve better than this, I hope you find the strength to move on for the sake of your sanity, and for the sake of your son. It cannot be healthy for him to witness this kind of abuse.

You are only 23, you have your whole life ahead of you...a life that could be much more preferable to the one you've currently got by the sounds of it.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

He's not going to change, because he has no self-awareness, and thinks he is the injured party. Best to end it now, before your son grows up thinking that this is an acceptable way to treat women.
Good luck and stay strong. You are not the one in the wrong here.

Am sad to see that you keep making ultimatums and then not following through, miss

that you are leaving what happens in your future (and your son's up to him...he does not have your best interests at heart, that is for sure

I don't understand your distress at the thought of being a single mum. Walking away from an abusive man like this would actually be a triumph not a failure.

itsjustmeandmypuppynow you asked me how I handle my parents now. Well, I keep in contact for my mum's sake. I don't discuss her relationship with my dad though, I told her years ago I just don't want to know. Christmas and birthdays, that kinda thing. That is it. What a waste, eh...it could have been so much more, not my problem though < shrugs > (although it took me many many years to come to that conclusion, with much heartache to be had...some of it is detailed in previous posts of mine). Thanks for asking x