Marriage

[MrsSnoops]

I don't really know what I want from this post, but am hoping that people won't think I am a complete bitch. I think I just need to talk and try and clear my head.
I have been married to DH for 8 years, together for 10 and we have 2 DC 5 and 2.

I think we have a pretty good marriage. It is solid and we get on well and have similar values. I feel safe with him and we are committed to each other and the children. We do everything together as a family. DH rarely goes out and comes home from work and does the bath most nights (I am a SAHM).
He is a great bloke and I love him.

It is just sometimes....I don't know I feel bored and frustrated and irritated. There is no excitement. He doesn't challenge me hugely. He is probably not as intelligent as me and doesn't make me see the world in a different way.
I will watch something funny and show him and he won't get it, and I just sink a little inside.
I just sometimes feel so disappointed that there is a side of me that is not nurtured and brought out by him.

He is so content with life. Never raises issues. is just happy with me and the kids. And I am (it feels) always telling him things that are wrong and he tries to please me and then I get more frustrated because I don't know who he is. That doesn't make any sense does it?

Our sex life is not great and never has been. We are both quite shy in that area and it is often awkward. Again I feel irritated by him and he feels nervous as he doesn't know what my reaction will be .
When we have sex it is usually good and when we are having sex our relationship is better.

These feelings I am having of feeling disappointed are coming more frequently and it is worrying me.

I love him and want to feel satisfied with him, but at the moment I just want to scream.

Do all marriages have areas where you aren't matched brilliantly? Is this just how marriage is?
Honestly he has never raised an issue with me and I feel like a total bitch for not being happy.

I have booked a first session with a therapist for a couple of weeks time as I really need to try and come to peace with who he is and what we as a couple are.

I'm please you had the courage to post MrsSnoops rather than just letting 'it' slide. You've had some fantastic advice, the contempt thing is so common but most people are so scared to talk about it, that often, it's too late to go back .

Life becomes a hamster wheel and gets very fecking boring very fecking fast at times.

Go out there and be YOU.

I used to feel a bit like this. I love books dp doesn't really. We don't have a tremendous amount in common. On paper there has been other boyfriends who have ticked more boxes in regard to compatibility. But he makes me laugh and I realise thats its rare that the grass is greener. I think because you are a SAHM(i am too btw) its easy to look for your dh to fulfil the missing gaps in your life. But I think that if you realise that you can fill these gaps of being mentally stimulated then it takes the pressure off him to be your everything. In the early days of being a SAHM I went through this..going back to work is not really an option for me but I started reading more and took up more home based hobbies which made me feel more fulfilled.
I think its great that you are suggesting he goes out more..this also builds your relationship as you have things to talk about and it almost builds respect for him as you realise that he deserves some time to himself.

I used to have this sense that I was the only one doing everything and it lead to resentment as I didn't think he was pulling his weight(he was but I was so isolated in my thinking I really had to re-evaluate my thinking)

As for sex life, its often indicative of how things are in the relationship. Once you both relax a bit you can concentrate on that area more.

It will be okay..I think we just all need to change the way we view things at times. I'm guilty of this.
Its great that you are addressing this and it is SO common so don't feel bad!

Its tough getting the balance right!

I think you are going about it the wrong way with your counseling. Its not who he is that you need to find out, but who you are that you need to find out. You don't even know what you want. You say your unhappy and he tries to do something about it and sometimes is met with frustration.

Not what you want to hear but if you want to leave your husband, I'd be willing to take him off your bored hands in a nanosecond. He sounds like a great husband. Works all day and comes home and gives you kiddie-free time most nights and I am willing to bet he does chores around the house too. He loves his wife and kids and seem to respect them too. On the sex issue, I'd buy a video and we will learn to get better with each other. We'd do more things as a couple and I will join groups that stimulate me other ways as will he if he wants to.

I don't want to leave my husband, I think that is quite clear from my posts. And frankly, you can't have him!

I am going to counselling for me. This thread has shown me that my frustrations are not with him as such, but with my life in general. I do want to see a way forward from this and for our relationship to get back on track and I know, as I am the 'unhappy' one, that I need to take responsibility for this.

We have both allowed this relationship to get too centred on me and we both need to change that.