I've been friends with my partner for eight years, and we've been together for nearly a year. Things are going well ? he's easy-going and we get along well, as we always have, and seem to share similar values ... he is simply a good man ? has morals, does the right thing, etc. I'm as sure as I can be of that.
An issue that arose not long into our relationship is that he sometimes (maybe once or twice a month) initiates sex in his sleep. He has a history of sleep-walking ? quite seriously at times, having driven to work in his sleep before, and done his early morning job (on a farm) in the middle of the night, before waking up and realising what was happening. He doesn't live with me, and has said that sometimes, where he lives, he finds himself in the kitchen in the middle of the night - having woken up there from sleep-walking, looking for me in his sleep.
There is a pattern to what he does, in that it only seems to happen when he is very tired (which is actually quite often, because he works full-time, has his kids from a previous relationship half the time, and the youngest of these is a poor sleeper).
I confronted him about this months back, asking if he remembered the second/third time we had sex the night before. He said he didn't, explained what might be happening, and was genuinely sorry. I believed him. When he's trying it on, his eyes are open but vacant, and he doesn?t speak; he doesn't engage with me, or caress me ? it is dehumanising, to be honest, because he isn't loving or tender and I do feel rather like a piece of meat. But because I don't believe he is doing this consciously, and because I'm able to stop what's happening and encourage him back to sleep as soon as I stir and realise what's going on, I've been able to work with it - practically and mentally/emotionally.
We've talked it through, and have agreed that if/when he does it, I'll steer him away and tell him he's asleep and that he needs to lie back down ? and this has generally worked. I put knickers back on before sleep too, which helps.
But on Monday night, which was a late and disturbed night sleep-wise, I was in such a deep sleep, that he was having full ? and rough ? sex with me before I stirred and realised what was going on. My stirring seemed to jolt him into semi-consciousness, and he withdrew and rolled over and went back to 'normal' sleeping. But I felt a bit shocked, and sore; I felt pain deep inside because he'd been so vigorous, and my tummy ached like I had period pain, so my cervix must have taken a bashing.
I told him the next morning what had happened and that I was upset about it, and he was really very sorry and cuddled me ? but that doesn't put it right really, or prevent it, does it? I have this nagging question in my mind along the lines of, basically, have I been raped? Rape is a very emotive word, and because I don't believe he means to do this ? because there isn't intent there ? I'm reluctant to use it. But still, it was pretty grim, and obviously can't continue to happen ? and perhaps because I have PMT this week and so am paranoid and a bit glass-half-full, there's a niggly part of me that wonders if he could possibly know he's doing this; if maybe he does mean to ? and yet I can never can know, 100%. Unless he goes to a sleep clinic with me, I suppose ? but that seems extreme.
I've read a bit about sexsomnia (having sex in one's sleep) ? DP's behaviour is textbook. But he can't not get up several times a night with his DC; we can't make the tiredness that seems to precipitate this go away overnight, although it should improve as his kids get older. I don't like the idea of him taking medication for this. So what else do we do? Sleep in separate rooms after snuggling up? Maybe that's the answer for now.
I don't know really. I just wanted to share this, because it's been bothering me this week. Sorry this is so long.
Thanks in advance for anything at all, really.