Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Snoring on purpose?

48 replies

Allboxedin · 31/08/2011 18:11

This is going to sound really crazy and far fetched but has anyone ever experienced a partner snore on purpose maybe to get the bed to themselves?
DH and me have been having relationship problems up and down for a while (some of you may have read my other thread)
Anyway we sleep in seperate rooms because DH snores a lot and I can't in the same room. I started out on the sofa most nights and then managed to get a single bed for the spare room our dd sleeps in so sleep in there while dh has the main bedroom. I'm 33 weeks pregnant again now and he is also saying he wants the baby in with us. (its going to be pretty squashed!)

Anyway, I know he probably has a genuine snoring problem but sometimes, it was like he would do it almost on purpose so I would go out of the room. Even when he wasn't really asleep he would do it really loudly and then suddenly start and stop if I moved or something.
Then once I had moved into the other room I would wake up and go to the loo and he would start snoring as I walked past his room. :(

Am I crazy to think this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Allboxedin · 01/09/2011 21:06

Yes I need to keep thinking that way too. :) I think if I manage this on my own it will build up my confidence to start again.

OP posts:

babyhammock · 01/09/2011 22:06

Of course the tit's doing it on purpose. It'll be a pathetic power game for him making your life more difficult. And his own too as what a thing to waste energy on.. he really is quite deranged.

Hey are you still off to your mum's next week?
I liked one of the other posters suggestion of a lovely new bed. Yes a lovely new big one for you AND the baby. You don't want LO's sleep being disturbed by knobhead's snoring do you x

Original poster

Allboxedin · 01/09/2011 22:16

Hi baby! New bed sounds good. I havent bought a ticket yet as I am waiting for some money into my account and will take it from there. Just not looking forward to the journey but I guess if I must I must.

I kind of wish he would just be mean all the time, at least i would know where I stand then. (he's mr nice guy yesterday and today although still retreats to room after work)
Maybe I should try and rearrange this room tomorrow and see what I can do to make some space. x

OP posts:

babyhammock · 01/09/2011 22:43

Hello :-)
They're never mean all the time.. it would be sooo easy if they were.. but that's part of the manipulation, its all so confusing and exhausting and controlling.
Put it this way, if you were watching a film and the leading man had a really nasty twisted side that would come out (lets face it that's what you're dealing with) but could be really charming too.... you'd know he was deep down a bad egg. BUT when you're stuck in it in real life, you so want to believe the good side, that its so difficult not to be sidelined when they're being ok :(

I would love for you to take his car.... do it, do it, do it x

Re-arranging room... good plan!

TheDreamWeaver · 01/09/2011 23:08

Fraid so. Mine used to do that "jump/twitch" thing as well, which was SO fake AND I knew he wasn't asleep yet. Just gritted my teeth and ignored it, coz I thought he'd love it if he knew he was bugging me

HansieMom · 01/09/2011 23:15

All boxed in, how about getting a taxi to the train station? You said buses or tubes to get to station. Or perhaps you could take taxi to tube. Once you get on the train, you are all set. I'd like to see you in the care of your family who will encircle you with love and caring.

ShoutyHamster · 01/09/2011 23:26

Please go now, OP.

It may be hard now... but it's a hundred times harder with a baby!

Taxi, then train... it's doable. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Be brave. Don't get stuck for the sake of a difficult journey (I know, it's not really that - I do get it). But still. Don't get stuck. You're almost there, and it's the right decision.

Go for it.

Blondie73 · 01/09/2011 23:55

I did it - and its so much better now its just me and the baby.... i havent read your other thread but with me the snoring was also just the tip of the iceberg too... i know i only have one child but.... you can do it too! And mine did the whole nice/horrid/nice/horrid/nice thing - always kept me on the back foot! Never knew who I would get when he walked in at night! Now I only have to see him at handover ever two weeks! I can just shut my door/walk away/not answer the phone when he's being an arse!

YOU CAN DO IT....

HappyHubbie · 02/09/2011 00:31

ImperialBlether how would someone snore on purpose? Are you seriously suggesting that he lies awake all night on the off chance that Allboxedin goes to the loo at some point so he can snore as she passes the door?

Isn't it enough that he's a selfish inconsiderate pig whose heavily pregnant wife has to sleep on a crappy single bed? That really is quite shocking the more I think about it.

Original poster

Allboxedin · 02/09/2011 07:31

Stop it, you lot or I am going to start feeling sorry for myself which is not what I want!
I have thought about the taxi thing, I know my mum has friends who would even drive down to get me if things got really bad. I need to think carefully as I have appoinments coming up etc (as nearly 34 weeks and being consultant led), I also don't want to waste what little money I can get together. Dad is also not well at the moment (has second stage fibrosis of lungs) so I need to think about that too and if he would cope with it.
Those of you who left, did you talk to them before you left, or give them the benefit of the doubt one last time? Should I at least try and talk to him about how far things have got so he realises or not?
Also did you move far away, do I have the right to take the kids say 3 hours drive away and how often would he see them?

OP posts:

babyhammock · 02/09/2011 08:18

I made up my mind I had to leave a long time before I left partly because I kept trying to talk to him and give him the benefit of the doubt and partly because he had made it almost impossible for me to leave. It all culminated in one particularly terrifying night when I finally called the police... I knew that it was it then and there was no going back..

I know you're doubting yourself and losing impetus because he's being ok... been there so many times! But he isn't nice, this is an act and you know it won't last xx

Original poster

Allboxedin · 02/09/2011 17:32

I know baby, you are so right.
I fear a mood coming on tonight because there is a HUGE spider in the sink and it won't die and I can't d the washing up! :( he won't be happy!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/09/2011 18:36

HappyHubbie, yes, I do think someone could snore on purpose! If he is manipulating her, then he could sleep very lightly, couldn't he? He would then be attuned to her movements.

babyhammock · 02/09/2011 18:39

Hey you..
Now listen to yourself, you're worried about him being in a mood because you didn't do the washing up! How did you get here! You know that can't be right... he isn't right...

Have you ever gone on strike? I did lots in little ways before the end, which is why he probably turned physical. I just couldn't bring myself to do stuff when he would rubbish everything I did anyway...
xx

Original poster

Allboxedin · 02/09/2011 19:06

I havent been on strike baby as such, though I would love to!
Baby had he always been physical or did it start after a while and were ther reasons for it? Its true, it seems pointless doing the stuff when its never any good anyway. Doesnt make any difference does it?!

OP posts:

babyhammock · 02/09/2011 19:38

Nope... If they want to be angry and horrid they WILL find a reason, doesn't matter how hard you've tried.

Mine started with head games.. I guess he was sussing me out for suitability and I passed with flying colours. Honestly, all the red flags were there! Then he moved onto what could best be described as emotional abuse (ignoring me as punishment and generally being very cruel), with occassional really nasty verbal. Verbal abuse and emotional escalated considerably when I was pregnant and got worse once DS was born as I physically couldn't pander all my energy to him like I had done.. then in the last 8 months really it became physical as well. I was starting to rebel big time and I guess that's why it got so much worse for me and trust me it was already unbearable. Funnily enough, during that time, he was nicer when nice than he had been.. Like everything had to be stepped up a gear in order to keep me under control.

I honestly think he's psychopathic, esp given the way he's carrying on atm

I think you should go on strike just before taking the car to your mums but be careful xx

Original poster

Allboxedin · 02/09/2011 19:58

honestly think he's psychopathic, esp given the way he's carrying on atm
Yours or mine? Must have been scary for you. Does he know where you live?

Its going to get hard after baby is here. The thing was when we had dd, he always took her off me when people were around and looked the perfect dad but as soon as they left it was all down to me again. I had thought I would try breast feeding again (didn't work last time) but I'm not sure I will cope in all honesty especially with night feeds etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Allboxedin · 02/09/2011 20:01

BTW Lundy Bancroft's book should arrive on Monday, done and ordered!

OP posts:

babyhammock · 02/09/2011 21:07

Definately both!
Nope ... court does, he doesn't
The thing was when we had dd, he always took her off me when people were around and looked the perfect dad but as soon as they left it was all down to me again me too! any niceness is all just an act.. and they definately know how to put on a show.. public face vs private face eh.
It makes it 100 times harder when everyone sees a different side. I'm not suprised you think it will be hard when LO arrives. You know he will make it hard.

Don't let him undermine you re breastfeeding...

The Lundy book is brilliant, you won't want to put it down. When I first read it (2 years ago!!!!!) I thought ex was just 'demand man' but he was so much more than that.

Wish you were round the corner x

Original poster

Allboxedin · 02/09/2011 21:17

Thanks Baby, I wish I was too, I could really do with someone to talk to in RL although mumsnet is fab.
I am looking forward to having a good read though!

OP posts:

DrRondo · 26/11/2019 09:42

I am going through the same thing. You have to record him multiple nights to prove he's only snoring when you are around.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 26/11/2019 11:33

From what you've said about him, of course a nasty abusive man can pretend to snore to piss off his partner. If you think he is pretending, he probably is. I cant believe he is planning to make you sleep in your daughters room with the baby.

I wouldn't tell him before you go. Statistically when women leave abusive partners, that's the time they are most at risk, and it could easily get physical. I dont think its safe to tell him

jkml · 30/09/2022 22:08

after ten years since u posted this i hope u r doin alrite now..im worried about you cuz form what u described i suspected he is a narcicist,pathological liar n aso an abuser.he can be both physically n mentally abusive.i hope i was wrong n u are safe.if im correct then u must run asap bcuz such person will nvr change.things can only be getting worse n worse.

Flip

1 2