I am wondering if you lovely ladies could help me 'put something to bed' WRT my parents, please.

[2littlegreenmonkeys]

Last June/July I was rushed into hospital with appendicitis. My parents at that time were 'in a huff' with me as I had upset the golden child (my brother).
I had asked him to leave my house as he was kicking off and basically being a twat, verbally abusing me and getting very close to looking like he was going to lamp me one (all over asking him not to wind my DD1 up) my dad was their and witnessed it but as usual stayed quiet for an easy life.

DH was home and he was the one who rang for the ambulance as I was on the floor in agony, could barely breath.

DH had rang MIL to come and sit with the DD's so he could come with me but she was at work and had no phone signal and we didn't (at the time) know her works number.

So reluctantly he rang my parents who basically couldn't give a flying shit about helping us in my hour of need.

I ended up in hospital on my own, in agony (they took my gas and air away after I was out of the ambulance) I was so scared that I would die and would leave my girls to grow up without a mum (even thinking about it now is making me cry)

In our local hospital they have those bedside TV/Phone things. A lovely gentleman who was visiting another patient set mine up for me as I was in no fit state.

In the meantime my mum had phoned DH and had a go at him about me. She then phoned the hospital (switchboard) and got through to me (can say the name of the patient and it will connect you) She had a go at me, this is all about 10 minutes before I was due to surgery. I was still in agony, in fear of never seeing my girls again and had mum on the phone shouting at me for upsetting my brother and for upsetting her. One sentence she said has stayed with me 'Do you know how upsetting it is for me to have a child in hospital, why do you do this to me'

When I got off the phone the elderly lady in the bed opposite me came over to my bed and said she wouldn't ask how I was as she didn't want to upset me even more than I obviously was, but she gave me a hug. then the porter and nurse came to take me to theatre.

Unbeknownst to me mum rang my DH after that and had a go at him, he actually had to put the phone down on her as he would not have been able to stop himself from telling her to fuck off.

Now the odd thing, my mum is lovely when my brother isn't about, I do love her, my DD's love her. She is just an inherently selfish person and EVERYTHING has to be about her or my brother.

I don't think I will ever be able to fully forgive my mum but I need to deal with this and 'put it to bed' so that I can move on and have a normal'ish relationship with my mum.

I have next to nothing to do with my brother as it is, and once my parents are no longer here I doubt very much I will ever see him again. I want to be able to maintain some sort of relationship with my parents as they are not really bad people, they have been worn down by my brother. Not an excuse but that is the reason (I think anyway)

Sorry for the hugeeee post and thank you if you have managed to get this far.

Lots of advice here from people who know a hell of a lot more than me.

One thing strikes me - you talk about forgiving her, but if you rush to "forgive" someone who has never acknowledged, much less apologised for their appalling behaviour, then what you are not forgiving, you are squashing your real feelings and not giving yourself the permission to experience and make sense of them.

sorry - rushed typing. That was meant to say ".. then what you are doing is not forgiving, it's squashing your real feelings ......."

I agree Bitch(!), you can't forgive until you understand. It does sound as there is a lot of understanding to do before you can say whether anyone is guilty or innocent. I'm sure you will get there, but you really need distance to be able to see what's happening.

thanks barbie

If I had been in your situation I would make ity clear for her never to contact me again.

am I overly harsh? I don't know

I don't think you'll be ale to bury your mother behaved appalllingly

Without wishing to impersonate a therapist, littlegreen, what was life like in your home as a child?

why dont you write her a letter telling her how you feel

she wont be able to interrupt/refute what you say and who can resist reading a letter

Thank you everyone.
I have been mulling things over and have decided that I do need to do some distancing, but (always a but with me) I am not in the right place and I do not feel strong enough to do anything major just yet.

I think it will literally take moving away to get some emotional and physical distance between me and my mum. All my extended family live here and I would be hounded by them while mum plays the martyr.

barbiegrows I believe (well the amateur psychologist in me does) that my brother and my mum are products of each other. I believe mum always wanted a boy and was quite taken back when I turned out to be female so once my brother arrived (boys are treated as gods in my extended family as well) she was shocked at how much she loved him and has spoilt (spoiled? SP?) him beyond recognition.
I also believe that my brother is a product of his own upbringing but at almost 30 yo he has the power to change if he wants. I do truly believe that even without my mums influence my brother would have turned out a lot like he is now. I suppose this is an argument for nature/nurture debate. ( I realize I could also be talking a load of bollocks)

There is no way while living so close that I would be able to not speak to her everyday or see her every week as if I didn't ring, she would, then she would come round. I am kinda stuck until I get a backbone I suppose. I think one of the things that is worrying me is that it will be all or nothing. If I cut mum out I will have to cut out the rest of my family or they will get so much passive aggressive crap off my mum if they continued to associate with me.
They wouldn't see it like that though, I would be the bad daughter, throwing back how much my mum has done for me. i.e giving birth to me, bringing me up, spending money on me, feeding me, clothing me etc. You know all the things parents are supposed to do anyway!!

My own upbringing was nice and fun actually (well what I remember) my parents were quite strict, along the lines of no snacks before tea, no talking back, doing what I was asked etc. I had everything I needed and lots of extras. We had holidays, day's out, day's in the normal stuff. (or normal to me anyway) I was never beaten or abused or left home alone, never a latch door kid as either mum or dad (occasionally nana and grandad) were always there to collect us from school or at home waiting for us to get back. Even into my teens it was rare to come home to an empty house. I remember mum and dad very loving towards each other and towards me and my brother,lots of cuddles, I love you's etc.

Thinking about it now I can kinda pinpoint when things began to go downhill as about the time my brother hit puberty and he seemed to turn from a friend (we got on very well as kids, much better than my own 2 DD's do infact) to a nasty, seething, unpleasant, person who never seemed to grow out of it like most people do. It's like he got to 12/13 and stopped emotionally/mentally growing up IYSWIM.
Mum changed at that point as well and her and dad started to argue a lot (which they hardly ever did before) Then I remember everything my mum did, thought, said centered on my brother, I kinda just got pushed into the sidelines and forgotten.

I do want to get past this hurt, I do want to forgive my parents for what they did and didn't do last year when I needed them. Mum is so stuck in her ways I doubt very much that she will change or say sorry as she really will not (does not) be able to see what she (and dad) had done wrong. So I feel that it is me who needs to deal with this (for my sake no one elses) as I am the only one who can make me see and react differently to things. She will never change, I know that so it is me that need to change how I deal with things so i can move on (selfishly I suppose)

I would love to write a letter to her but it wont make any difference to her, and would only make me much more anxious than I already am.

Thank you ladies I will return to this thread as the advice is invaluable to me.

On another note (this is where my mum confuses me) she has just rang, I answered, she was lovely and asked after me and the girls, the girls are poorly and I am not feeling too well myself TBH, she has just offered to come down and sit with the girls so I can go back to bed for the day I said no as the girls are happy wrapped up on the sofa watching Bambi and I am actually having a coffee in peace for a change. She did however say to ring her if I need her at all today
it is stuff like that that confuses me, and makes me think she is not all bad!!

Sorry for the essay

Your mum really does sound similar to mine greenmonkeys. I too had a completely stable upbringing - everything ran like clockwork, there was always someone home for us etc. My sister turned into a monster as teenager and has never grown up since (she is older than I am). Mum panders to her and goes all out for her whereas I'm often an afterthought. I often feel angry at my mum but then she sometimes is very very helpful such as recently when I was moving house and she came over (I live abroad) to look after DS while I sorted house stuff out. I know her main motivation was DS but it's not like her to put herself out in any way and she really was a great help.

Thing is with my mum, and I suspect with yours, she helps when and only when it suits her. When I was depressed she decided she'd had enough and basically just ignored what was going on. I can't ever forgive her for that. Never. I am able to have a normal enough relationship with her now but I know I absolutely cannot rely on her. Any help she does give is a bonus and I expect it to be taken away at any point if she feels like it. It is a total headfuck because if I confronted her about it she'd have a whole heap of evidence to prove what a good mother she's been. I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. So I don't bother.

'I am seeing a lady for CBT WRT my anxiety, OCD, PND and depression'
OP, I have all of these issues too (except PND) + chronic back pain and I agree with the previous poster who said they are more than likely directly linked to the enormous amount of stress you are under because of your family's appalling behaviour.
By the way, are you my long-lost sister? Soooo many similarities between your family and mine - very materially well provided for as children, brother as golden child, boys generally treated as little gods in the wider family, brother being horribly verbally abusive to me in front of parents, parents making all sorts of excuses for him, parents can be lovely but only when it suits them 100%. I realised recently, with the help of my therapist, that both parents, and probably brother too, are narcissists. It's horrible thinking of them that way, because it means letting go of all hope that they will change, but at the same time, it's been a relief. It means that the problem is most definitely them, not me. I have been crippled by guilt all my life - I guess you can relate to this feeling too OP.

I highly recommend reducing contact with them - I phone them about once a month, a few texts in between, but live in a different country which makes it much easier! And I recommend seeing a therapist/counsellor - mine is helping me to change my life, although it is bloody hard at times. Keep posting OP - it's your family's behaviour that is unreasonable, not yours, and you will get lots of support on here

I read something very interesting in Oliver James' They fuck you up - he said that if you want to know what your parents were like when you were little and can't remember, look at how they behave now -it is highly unlikely that parents improve that much.

Have just ordered that book off Amazon beatenbyayellowteacup - not a huge fan of his but still looking forward to reading it!

I just read the bits that were about me I was interested in

snap, JosieRosie!

Certain MN posts must cause a spike in Amazon sales. I'm surprised they haven't sold out of "Why Does He Do That?" yet

monkeys, you're still trying to rationalize and excuse their behaviour at your own expense. Your mother's making your the golden child and you the scapegoat is standard for abusive families like yours.
It's also normal for them to be nice some of the time?that's why the threads on abusive families on MN are called Stately Homes: when someone finally dares to complain about the way they were treated, the abusers can retort, "But we took you to stately homes!"
It's also usual for the victim of abuse to minimise it: they never beat me, I have some nice memories, so it can't have been that bad.
I don't think anyone is expecting you to catalogue your parents' abuse to them or even necessarily confront your mother about the horrendous way she treated you?you're clearly terrified of that prospect. And she won't acknowledge it, far less apologise.
But the way to deal with it isn't to ignore or minimise what she did. Or to forgive it. That will just do you further damage.
It does sound as though you're still very much under her thumb and are much too close for your own good. Some distance, and counselling, would be a very good idea. Or you could start by reading the Stately Homes threads and about abusive families online.

making your brother the golden child....