Mum left.. upped and gone, does not want kids or me anymore.. confused?????

[SingleDad2011]

Hi all mums! Erm so I am a Dad! Do many Men post here? I really could do with the views of fellow parents and Mums especially if that is ok?

On Monday 23rd Aug, my (so called) wife went out giving no signals no nothing to tell me that she would not be returning. We.. Well me now.. have a 19 month old son, and a 5 month old daughter.. We have been married 3 years and known each other on and off since she was 17 (32 now)

Its not the first time, nor the second or third for that matter but... I reported her missing (against my better judgement!) and on the Wednesday a social worker tells me she had been found (not by the police) and saw by a... health visitor.. who deemed her fit and well! My wife told them she wanted no contact with me or kids.. I was told by the police she is classed as vulnerable and would be brought home. Didnt happen. I never knew a health visitor was qualified to give mental assessments either..

She also taken what money we had left (if you have not guessed by now.. drugs) our double pram, the wheel has came off (a social worker moaned at me I should just fix it) I had to take my daughter to an out of hours clinic as she is running a temp and runny nappies (doctor says kids that age dont notice if a parent, say a mother who gave birth to that child suddenly goes missing.. and they dont do stress according to the doctor.!)

The police! well.. I had an irate call at midnight one night complaining and threatening me saying I was wasting their time reporting her missing! Wanted to check my home, incase she was there? Like I buried her under the patio???

I just found out from a neighbour she saw her on monday evening walking not 5 seconds from our (my?) home.. 5 hours after leaving..

I am in love with her very much I have loved her from the second we met, she said she felt the same yet she has a problem with telling the truth and tends to make things up (rape, she has been raped 14 times at the last count) Oh and had cancer 5 times!

I still love her.. even after sending some very choice words via facebook (unread by her) I am at loggerheads whether (if she actually ever makes contact) to take her back. Each time in the past she promises never again and slowly I build my trust back up in her then wham happens again.. this time has hit me the hardest.. its like a big part of me is missing indeed its the kids who are keeping me from doing something stupid.. I can see lots of positives from being a single parent, I have been told I would be 100% supported in that decision, but.. always a but aint there! I still love her and want her but realise that maybe this is just not going to work.. I have sacrificed a lot to make her happy.. friends moving areas etc..

Now obviously I am not perfect! I do my fair share of stuff, I do ALL the cleaning! (she says its ocd lol) and split the cooking/washing do the shopping together, money is split 50/50 if she needs something she gets if I need I get, after the kids/house/bills are sorted.. I would be a LOT better off money wise as I would not be paying off her debts from years ago! I admit she did more of the feeds than I did but not as much as she would tell others, she blows things way out of proportions and exagerates (spelling?) a LOT!

At the moment the kids are suffering they dont know where to turn.. they are sleeping a lot but disturbed sleep. LOTS of crying and older child is acting up, not himself at all.. I think I am doing ok, house clean, washing all up to date, proper meals cooked on time every day.. clean clothes as and when.. everything as "normal" although I feel like exploding but I am trying my best for the kids..

She has been diagnosed post natal but she has always suffered depression as she was sexually abused over the course of 5 years from 10 to 15 yrs by her step father (her father was murdered when she was 8) so erm.. while its not excuse in the slightest for what she has done.. she has gone through more things than most do in a lifetime..

When she is well she is the most beutiful person in the world and I would never so much as look at another women, she is everything to me, inside and out.. but when she is not well.. she is pure evil, nasty vile pure evil.. like a totally different person.. it scares me when she is like that..

Sorry for the biblical size post please I could really do with some advice/opinions I know what I should do, I should cut her off and move on but if it was that simple I would.. she is my soul mate she is everything to me and when she is well, I am the same to her.. but this has happened too many times and now there are two young children who are not at fault in any way yet they have been near destroyed... my son has changed so much he screams if I so much as leave the room.. what should I do? I don't know if she is seeing someone I dont think so but if you think of how a women would support a drug habit.. I would class that as cheating.. she would not..

Sorry for writing this I really really need a view of a mum and another parent.. thankyou for any views?

confused.com!

Perfectly put mummytime!

1/ Get to CAB today! Make it top of your list of things to do. They will be able to help you in some way I promise :)

2/ Def ask on MN for a pram/buggy - getting out for a walk you the kids and the dog will help you no end... change of senery, clear head, keep occupied :)

3/ You say you have friends but they being male may not be the most suportive you may be surprised just how much they will want to help.... also could you try any of thier wives? god if my Husband came home with this as a problem for his friend I would be doing anything I could to help. Dont be too proud to ask for help.

I have DS 2 and DD 5 months ..... its bloody hard! Keep your chin up your doing a great job....just keep going!

I have absolutely no idea what to say about the Mum but she is very obviously a very ill lady and by what you say she is lucky to have you. Get as much proffessional advice/help as possible (I know you have been trying) keep banging your drum until you get to someone who will listen - you really are up against it here but eventually you will find someone to help you, your kids and thier mum.

Keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel - whatever you decide to do.

Big hugs :)

Practical stuff: If she has left make sure you apply for single person council tax (can be done often through the library/ring council for forms) as that will reduce your bill by a quarter.
Talk to CAB to make sure you have access to all the financial support you should and if it applies, tax credits.
I know from personal experience you can't make the other person well through sheer force of your personality, even though it sounds as if you have been propping her up for a good number of years. It's time to look after yourself and the children.
You might eventually want to consider your position legally, regarding your marriage, parental responsibility, even what you want to happen wrt to the children in the event of something happening to you (not a cheerful subject but important) and just want to remind you that a lot of family solicitors offer a free initial consultation, so at least you know where you stand even if you don't action it.

Sorry X posted

Im sorry your wife has done this , she sounds very ill . i hope she gets the help she needs.

Id go for a legal separation and get all the money together that you can.
Id go for residency of the children too , so she cant start demanding them back if she changes her mind again. They need stabitilty and you can provide that for them.

Notify the school that the kids mum has gone , they might be able to help you with afterschool clubs/ breakfast clubs/ sorting childcare so you can go back to work. The kids might act naughty for a little bit so the school will make allowences for it if they know whats happening.

Ask for help from Social work...they need to help you if you do.
You might be able to order a new wheel for the pram from a pramshop or if you google the make and model and year of the pram you might find spare parts online...

Mabey parenting classes would be good idea , you might meet other blokes who are in the same situation , they could give you a blokes perspective on this .

Ask about benefits your entitled to , you might be surprised in a good way.

You could also go to see your health visitor. You might b one of the lucky ones, like me, who have a good one!

You sound like you need some counselling and time for yourself as well, it seems like you have got to the end of your tether here and whilst trying hard to keep it all normal for your kids you are having an internal conflict within yourself regardiing your relationship.

I have to confirm that yes, children at a young age who don't see one parent don't feel stress and don't miss them either. Scary and hgorrible isn't it, but once my daughters father was out of our lived nearly one year ago she has asked for him not once...at all. She has seen pictures of him and asked "who's that?" She is now 2.4.

I had some counselling and sessions with a clinical psychologist and both have been really beneficial for me, in finding ways and solutions of parenting by myself. It helps to talk to people who don't know me or my situation and talk out things. They don't make an automatic assumption because of background knowledge...maybe this would be beneficial to you?

I agree on other posters advice re: finding stuff for free have you tried listing things you need via gumtree and freecycle? It's amazing the things that get given away.

Now, methadone, if it has got so far that your wife is being prescribed methadone then this means her addiction has gone from being managable to unmanagable. She went to the Dr and they gave her the drugs to try and manage it and she hasn't been doing so trying to do that either. She has given you and the children and chance at survival. If this gives you a way at looking at her leaving in a positive light then use it, however, my experience (and I've had a lot pre-DD) with heroin addicts is this, the heroin ALWAYS wins over friends, family, children, loved ones.....UNTIL that person gets the heroin/methadone/crack/other medicated drug addiction/alcohol addiction out of thier system first.

Don't feel guilty on your childrens behalf, just do your job as a parent which is making sure your children are happy, well rounded, well adjusted individuals. If thi means they have no contact with thier mother then so be it.

Good luck x

I Haven't read all the posts so please forgive me if I miss an important point.
She sounds like she really needs help as she probably has mental health issues.
I know how hard it can be bringing up dc as can all the other MNetters. There are days when I feel life might be easier if I just went off on my own, but I am older than your wife so maybe with age I realize this is not a good idea and I wouldn't do it.(No disrespect meant to any younger mums out there).
I am probably going to repeat what other mums have said in that your children should come first but if you find your wife or if she returns please get her some professional help.

You've had a lot of good helpful advice here and I wish you well. However one thing I would stress to you: try not to a)demonize your wife, she sounds fucked up by her past as much as anything; she has made poor choices and needs more help than you could give her, but I doubt she had a concious plan to destroy you and the DC and b) for goodness' sake don't get hung up on the gender wars/feminism has Gone Too Far/women are all bitches type mindset (a touch of that seemed to be creeping into your posts). This will harm you and DC. Concentrate on the positive and on building a good future for the three of you. let your wife concentrate on getting herself well and keep her at a distance until she does.

Excellent post, SGB.

Very good post, and very wise words, SGB.

Very good advice SGB. NO point whatsoever turning this into a gender issue op. Men walk away from their children, men have drink/drugs problems, so it's really nothing to do with gender. You would be better off to put that angle firmly to bed.

I do know a woman who rang her estranged husband and told him she'd left the kids outside and for him to come and get them before nightfall.

She was not a drug addict, not an alky, just a totally cold hearted woman whose kids were in her way.

It does happen. He has them now, they are settled, happy and developing well.

I dare say you are a bit shell shocked, but this will pass, you'll be fine.