I feel so lonely and find it hard to talk to anyone, please help.

[Blundermum]

I'm going to be frank even though it'll make me sound so pathetic, I'm a fairly gregarious person to my friends but I always find myself saying that I'm fine when really I'm so far from it that I'm scared my marriage and my sanity will both be gone before long.
I suffer from severe mood swings that at their worst just make me feel so hopeless, everything is black and I hate myself for being the way that I am.
During the week when DH at work I muddle along ok and have a great relationship with my DD (nearly four) however at the weekend I feel critisized all the time and everything feels like a competition not teamwork.
This is the worst bit:
I am jelous of DH's relationship with DD. I know how selfish that makes me sound, that I should be happy that She loves her Daddy and he's so good with her but it hurts that She hardly notices I'm there when He's at home.
Am I normal to feel this way?
What doesnt help is that, as well as the moods, I have OCD and clean a lot and worry about mess constantly so I resent him for having fun while I'm doing the 'boring' stuff which, by the way, I hate doing but just can't seem to stop.
I take citalopram 20mg a day and have been doing now for a few years, god knows what I'd be like without it.
Sorry it was such a long moany one, just needed to offload to anyone prepared to listen.
If any of you feel the same or have been through this please tell me how to change.

It sounds to me like you have become resistant to the medication, I too used to take it but after a few years it no longer worked and I had to change, it was the best thing I ever done. I'm recovered and better than ever.

Sounds like really your pills are not working. Get them changed.

Yes, I've recently come out of a massive down-curve. I went and got my dose increased. I think you should do the same. You can't possibly address the other issues until you've gained a reasonable amount of stability and clarity. It can take several attempts at finding the right meds & dose for you.

The OCD may well calm down when you feel better, but I'd recommend asking your GP for a CBT referral anyway.

You need to go back to the GP.

It is quite normal for a child to appear to favour the parent who is there less. Daddy always gets excitement when he comes home, I rarelt do but then I am always here. It does make me feel a bit crap sometimes.

Talk to your DH and leave the chores to be together at the weekend.

What happens at the weekend? Is it all Daddy so that 'mummy has a rest'? You may have inadvertently 'trained' your DD to focus solely on DH at the weekend as you are having a break? If so, I'd suggest taking DD out at some point at the weekend, just the 2 of you same as during the week and doing something she enjoys.

Do you feel threatened by your DD and DH spending time together? You say you feel jealous, but is that you feel they love each other more than they love you? Can you be more precise about how you feel?

How long is it since you were assessed for your medication? If you are experiencing severe mood swings then you might be better asking for a new referral from your GP for a psychi assessment. There might be a new, more suitable drug or your present one might need adjusting.

I think the way you are feeling is purely down to your pills not working, once you have changed them or increased your doseage you will find you no longer feel the same.

Fabby, I have been thinking about the GP, but I dont know if I can tell him any of this as I'm so embarrased and a little scared. Someone told me that taking meds can go against you in a custody case( if it ever came to that)
Garlic, whats a CBT referral?
Pickgo, I feel exactly that. They love each other more than me, I feel like a hanger on. I do most of the chores during the week so its the three of us at the weekend but She just wants him around.
I hate feeling like this and I loathe myself for feeling like this.

P.s thank you for replying it feels good to say these things out loud.

Why are you even thinking about a custody case?

Because our relationship is deteriorating. The way I'm feeling is probably causing it but at the moment I'm not sure whats really happening or how my head is distorting reality.
We sleep in seperate rooms and have done sice DD born, very rarely have sex, I want another baby ( I realise how stupid this idea is right now, but you cant turn it off can you?) and he doesn't.
Plus he is a decent man with a nightmare for a wife. How long will it take?

Get yourself to the doctor tomorrow, sort out your medication and ask for couples counselling.

CBT is short for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It's a short course of counselling, with the aim of learning to manage your own behaviours instead of being driven by hidden feelings. Lots of people do it :)

Mental health issues can only go against you, in any formal environment, if the condition is not well managed. So you would actually be better placed, if it came to it, by having the right medication and being in touch with your feelings/behaviours. Your GP can help with all of that.

20mg of citalopram is very light. I got up to 60mg, years ago, then that stopped working and now I'm on different ones. Not 'stronger', just a different type. After I was off work for a long time, i started telling people I'm on antidepressants. I'm not kidding, nearly half the people I talked to said they were on them too! OK, that was in a high-stress work environment, but it goes to show how taking them is almost normal these days.

Really, it's a bad idea to make big decisions while your thinking's fuzzy. Get yourself to a more stable mindset, then work on the bigger picture. I'm glad you're going to the doc's. Hope it's constructive for you :)

I too think you need to go back to your GP. The feelings you describe are so characteristic of depression - the negative script, self loathing and self depracation in your posts. RE Your mental state (unless very very extreme) it will not even be part of a custody case.

Re the jealousy, first thing is, I think you should feel proud of yourself for being so emotionally honest. Lots of people have feelings like this but would never admit it to themselves let alone anyone else.

Second, I think you just need to accept, that right or wrong, this is how you feel and just accept it. Then, next time you feel like this (next weekend?) reality-check your feelings.

Ask yourself if the reality of what you see is really connected to your feeling, or is another interpretation possible? eg DH and Dc are playing and they don't want you to join in because they love each other more than you. Or is that they could just be enjoying some relatively rare time together? So why choose to connect to one (negative) interpretation, rather than a positive one?

Not sure if that's clear But the main point is not to let negative thoughts dominate you and to consciously choose positive ones instead. Hope this is helpful.

Thank you all so much for your advice, I think I'm going to just print off this page and hand it to him when I walk in as I always tend to downplay things.
I am just so tired of being like this, will I ever be normal...whatever that means?!
I've been battling these demons since I was a teenager and my biggest fear is transferring them to DD.
It's time to try and sort myself out.
Thank you.

Great idea to print your page :)
Take care, and remember to be kind to yourself ...