Passive aggressive DH or is it me?

[MistressofPemberley]

Hello. I'm having an awful bank holiday Monday. DH hasn't spoken to me properly since Saturday evening. We spent the day with family yesterday and were both happy enough from an outsider's perspective. But ge barely made eye contact with me once, and showed no affection or attention whatsoever.

This happens fairly frequently; he just goes cold and it's always up to me to be sunny and bright and gradually draw him out of it. This time however I was so sick of the sulking (which is only directed at me and probably imperceptible to others) that I decided to not make the effort. Unfortunately I'm a feisty, let's have a row then move on type and the silence and stalking past each other has driven me mad today. We were meant to be having a day out today but that hasn't happened. I tried to go out for a walk earlier but my DS (3) got upset. I'm so angry, frustrated and upset that this atmosphere is ruining the weekend. I'm upstairs sobbing with rage, but also feeling as though I'm going crazy. Maybe it is all in my head. He came up just now and asked what was wrong. When I told him that he'd ignored me and had been so cold since Saturday, he turned it on me and said I hadn't been speaking to him! Now I did try yesterday, but he kept up the cold shoulder, went to bed early by himself, didn't offer me tea when he made his etc. I know that sounds silly but we always offer each other a drink when we're making one. I'm sure I'm hard work sometimes but I cant see that I've done anything wrong. I made a lovely dinner on Saturday, I was in a upbeat happy mood etc.

I just want to scream trapped in this bedroom upstairs. Maybe it is me. Especially if no one else can see it. I'm just so angry and upset and I need him to know that this behaviour is not acceptable to me. But if I ever bring it up he denies that he's in a mood and turns it on me so there is no point. It just makes me even more mad. I then calm down, break the silence in some grovelling way (because i cant handle the atmosphere any more) by making dinner, or hugging him, and it's then swept under the carpet.

Don't know army. what are they? Well, I kind of know because I've researched. But it all gets confusing. I don't think he manifests other symptoms.

Buzzsorekillington

"That he has no friends of his own, a dysfunctional relationship with his parents"

This describes me almost to a tee. I had a terrible relationship with my parents, in fact I was their whipping boy, excluded whilst my siblings were not. For a long time that made me try harder to get approval from others. I have very few friends, through various circumstances. I am not, however, sulky nor miserable. In relationships I have never given anyone the silent treatment, in fact I would rather discuss any problem as opposed to denying it. I know I'm not to blame for my upbringing, and that it cannot be changed. What I can do is ensure my dcs don't have a father like mine, that they will not be criticised for the most trivial reason, that their achievements will be acknowledged and celebrated, they will not be beaten for making a mistake.

Mistress, I went through a stage thinking hubby was being unreasonable, and was ignoring me etc. It was really getting to me - and I was trying to be sunny and bright too. However, during a trip to the doctor for another issue, it became clear I was depressed, and started taking anti-depressants. I was able to see things a lot more clearly, and was a lot more relaxed about everything, and the communication channels with DH were opened again. He said that he was afraid to say anything as he would have got his head eaten off (he is right - he would have) and he was worried as I seemed so manic, as I was always trying soo hard to be the one in the good mood - but I felt unappreciated too, like yourself.
My advice is to look closely at your own health and actions too, it doesn't sound to me like you have a DH that is PA or EA - just, maybe a little unsure of how to communicate with you. Particularly as you have had so little time to learn how to live together?!
Counselling for you and him or marriage counselling might be a good place to start?! Have a look online for some depression questionnaires for both of you?!
I'm so sorry you have had a terrible day.

Fair point jrh. I have always had concerns about myself. I think I got a bit depressed after having DS, and I am prone to extremely melancholic pmt. I had a (second) miscarriage quite recently too while DH was away so I could well be a bit unreasonable and/or depressed.

Thanks for providing a different angle.

Hedley, I hope you didn't think I was saying that someone who has experienced those things is doomed to repeat them. Not what I meant, sorry.

I agree it's a choice to behave in that way, just as resisting those behaviours is a choice. It's only in combination with other 'red flags' and destructive behaviour that you'd say it seems significant, sort of adds to the weight of circumstantial evidence. (Like the one of having a 'crazy ex' - some people genuinely have crazy exes but an abusive person might claim all their exes were at fault/mad to take the high ground and get the sympathy vote).

OP does any of this ring any bells for you here

The quick start to your relationship, the stonewalling (silent treatment), gaslighting (denying things that have happened), the accusing you of behaviours he is doing, creating your confusion, you feeling like your going crazy, you walking on eggshells and trying harder to keep him sweet - all this is classic emotional abuse territory.

It may be still too early in your relationship to be sure that is what it is because, again classically, the mr. nice that you fell in love with is still there most of the time - mr.nasty is only slowly emerging at this stage. Bet he never does his pa/sulking in front of your friends or family? Bet they think he's lovely?

Btw, apparently it's a myth that ea perpetrators pick a 'type' of woman. According to saint Lundy Bancroft it is the abuser that is identifiable by lots of typical/shared charateristics - their partners/victims come in all social/professional/personality types.

You say your mum was a moody sulky twat as well? Then your H is an abuser who targeted you deliberately. Sorry, but he is. People like him have a radar for those who are a bit damaged or vulnerable in some way and will not therefore tell them to fuck off and grow up when they start performing. Always be wary of a man who goes on about how much he likes 'strong/independent/feisty' women if there are a lot of rows in the relationship, because what he means is he likes to destroy women. He has to see himself as the superior one, your boss/owner in order to feel content.

I don't really do all these labels, but put simply, my DH used to be a sulker. I carried on like nothing was different, leaving him to silk with a little ribbing about it...took maybe a couple of years as he wasn't a v v regular sulker but he stopped! He admits my tactics are what stopped him too, but he's essentially a very decent, loving man who took a bit of time adapting from being single to living with me, my hormonal DD, getting married, having a mc and then a baby, all within 18mths

The description of PA disorder from the DSMIII here

Note that PA isn't considered a personality disorder anymore (in the current DSMIV) as following this description, most people would fall into that category at some point or another. I found it however a usefull guide to separate abusive behavior (ie someone who is doing that only with you and can perfectly 'normal' with other people) and someone who has a big emotional issue (ie will exibits this behavior all the time with everyone).

PA behavior is only pathological if it's a habitual, crippling response reflecting a pervasively pessimistic attitude--people who suffer from PAPD expect disappointment, and gain a sense of control over their lives by bringing it about. Some psychiatrists have suggested that PAPD be merged into a broader category, called negativistic personality disorder. Diagnostic criteria: passive-aggressive plus (a) mad at the world, (b) envious and resentful, (c) feels cheated by life, and (d) alternately hostile and clingy. Copied that from another website as I thought it was a nice way to look at things showing the difference between someone who is just being an a** and someone who has real issues to tackle.

I found this way of looking at things helpful to separate what could be seen as abusive behavior and what is a very unhelpfull way to react (or being a pain the backside). It doesn't mean that that sort of behavior is then acceptable. More that I would not react the same way to someone stonewalling me because they are abusive and someone stonewalling me because they have what was considered a MH problem.
If you read around PA behavior, you will see that these people will look for any signs that you are going to scold them. I certainly found that things were much much worse when H had to do something he didn't want to do (in that case looking after his dcs every other we as I was working) and I was more 'emotionally unstable' (in our case I had PND and looking after 2 dcs under 2yo).

Even if he isn't PA, you might find some help reading around the subjet on the grounds that we are all in some ways displaying some PA behaviors. I personnally found that not engaging and carrying on as if things were normal did help reducing the underlying constant aggresivity in the house. It might also point out to some of your own behaviors that aren't that helpful (or bringing the worst ot your DH).

For me, it showed me that this behavior wasn't just for me (The refusing authority for example is constant with work - bosses always a pain, wrong, asking for unreasonnable things etc...). And that even with near perefct conditions he was still PA.
I also realized that things would not improve until he was ready to do something about it (eg counselling). Unfortunatly, he isn't ready for it yet and years of PA has destroyed the love I had for him.
HTH

Etti Gosh it's nice to hear from someonet on one of these threads who've turned things round.

Yes, it is very bothersome that his sulks have ruined a family outing.

However, have you ever considered that he might be having adjustment issues or work concerns? Instead of jumping to the automatic conclusion of emotional abuse, he might be dealing with these problems and trying to work it all out in his head before talking to you about it.

You said that he's been working abroad for 14 months and just came back no more than a month ago and has been working long hours too. Depending what his job is (armed forces or not), it could've affected him greatly and he might be proned to be reflective instead of sulks. He might be having adjustment issues of being back in the bosom of his family after being away so long.

Also with his background of an abusive childhood, arguing with you might not be his way of effective communication. You might just have to leave him alone and do your own thing when he gets into these moods. When he's ready to say something, let him come to you and be open to him. Don't always be the first to talk.

Instead of you needing counseling, he might the one needing counseling to deal with his childhood issues.

Lastly, just because someone sulks sometimes, it doesn't mean that its EA.

Just some things to think about.

Thanks all. The week has improved, and I have been taking a long, hard look at my own behaviour too. Thanks for all the advice and different points of view. As the title of the original post suggests, I'm not sure if his behaviour is PA, or EA, and I'm grateful for all your contributions.

I'm going to take it one day at a time and if it happens again, start keeping a log of the behaviour so that I'll be able to broach the subject of counselling.

Counselling yes but counselling for yourself solely.

If there is abuse joint counselling is a complete non starter as the abuser can dominate such sessions and make it all out to be all the other person's fault.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

He had a really bad childhood yes and learnt a lot of damaging lessons no doubt from his own messed up parents, but that in itself is no excuse or justification for how he behaves towards you now. His behaviour is emotionally abusive; sulking as he does is yet another form of emotional abuse.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

Another thorny question to consider is what you are both teaching your child about relationships here.

Mistress, I can't add much to what the other posters here have wisely advised.

My ex was a champion sulker, gaslighter, emotional abuser, you name it.

One thing I learned to notice by the end was he always timed these sulks to ruin nice occasions like visits/bank holidays/days out/weddings/family occasions/Christmas/days off etc. I used to think this was a co-incidence but when I finally noticed the pattern I began to be able to anticipate that every special occasion and pleasant thing looked forward to would be marred deliberately

Well, I'm not sure if it's the same for you but it was something that used to happen always on bank holidays. I don't know if it was deliberate. I do know I expended a lot of energy searching for patterns and trying to deal with the behaviour.

Not much worked except totally leading seperate lives by the end. But that was after a lot of suffering on my part. My ex used to also deny what he was doing too and turn it back on me too. If I challenged him about it he would scream and roar or sneer caustically that it was ME who had created the problem.

It's very mad making.

I wouldn't live with a man who had sulks and wouldn't speak to me. My husband does however need time to himself if he's upset about something, and I know not to get him to talk about things or try jollying him up, he isn't unpleasant to me or refusing to talk though, he just won't want to talk about a particular issue until he's feeling calmer and clearer in his head about it.
I can't imagine not telling my husband dinner was ready though, and your behaviour here sounds a bit childish too, I usually get my husband involved in helping prepare meals anyway. Do you not involve him much in household life?
Relationship counselling sounds essential here, neither of you sound happy and you don't sound as though you can talk to each other.

Having had a shitty childhood does not entitle you to treat other people like shit and expect them to put up with it and forgive you. A person who has had past traumas which mean they behave unreasonably needs to seek help rather than just seeking a partner s/her can convince to put up with the sulks, the tantrums, the whining and the selfishness because 'love' will eventually win through. It won't. You can't 'love someone better' whether s/he has MH issues or whether s/he is just an unreasonable tosspot.

Please, please don't try relationship counselling. I did it with my ea xH and it was truly awful, I felt like I was going mad.

What happens is that all the criticism, trivial 'slights', unreasonable hectoring are validated by the counsellor (because that's what they do - they validate each partner's point of view in an effort to get the said p-o-v acknowledged and listened to by each partner). That means that all the crap that you know is crap is suddenly made to seem like it's something that is legitimate and you should start to take on board. That's when your whole sense of reality tilts and you feel like you are going mad.

OTH I also had 4 counselling sessions a few years later on my own and in just those 4 hours sorted out my confused feelings and decided I had to end the marriage. So counselling ime is good - just not for a relationship with an emotionally abusive twunt.