Confused and not sure I like where this is leading - need advice

[PosyPudding]

Background - been with DH 8 years and married nearly 5, always very happy. We have always done pretty much everything together, which we were both happy with. I even missed him when we were both at work! He is wonderful - caring, kind, affectionate etc etc. But I'm feeling weird.

We wanted to start ttc a few months ago. Tried for 6 months and it didn't happen; decided to break for a bit because some things came up in my job that would have been affected by ML, and we weren't in a rush anyway. Now, suddenly, I am terrified by the whole thing and keep wanting to put it off. We have switched places - DH took some persuading to start TTC and now he's really keen, and I was desperate but am now rapidly going off the idea.

I am feeling strange about my life in general. I'm now wanting to do more and more without DH, and be known by people on my own, rather than part of a duo. I have whole weeks at a time where I feel 'blank' - little feeling towards DH. He has started to notice that I'm being quiet. I have no idea why this is happening!! I am terrified that my feelings for him won't return. There doesn't seem to be a trigger. I'm not under any great stress. I am undergoing treatment (CBT) for panic attacks - maybe I don't rely on him as much and I'm worried our relationship was based more on this than I'd thought.

I just feel awful - guilty for even thinking this, worse that I'm writing it down, awful because he is genuinely wonderful, but he is starting to annoy me. I'm not bothered about spending time with him at the moment. I am pushing him away and I can't explain to him why. I am distracting myself by talking to a (male) friend - there is nothing in this, and there won't be (I'm fairly sure he's not interested and I would never do that to DH), but I end up thinking about him a lot because it is a distraction, and I don't know how to deal with things. I feel like I need to get away, to give myself a chance to miss him, but I don't know how I could do that without setting the cat among the pigeons completely. What can I say to him - that I'm feeling 'weird'?!

I'd really appreciate somebody else's take on this. I'm so confused and feel so awful about the whole thing, and I don't know what to say to DH.

Some theories might say this is, primeval, hormonally driven, your body senses the failure to conceive with this mate and pushes you away from him to find a mate that will allow you to conceive. I don't know what I think of those theories though to be honest.

Maybe this is making you question more because somehow you had assumed that you would just move smoothly to having DC together, and as this hasn't happened, it makes you suddenly question the whole nature of your relationship, which is not a bad thing perhaps. When you say that you did everything together, do you have your own friends? Do you have mutual friends? Or have you been operating pretty much as a twosome?

Are the panic attacks TTC-related or have you suffered them for a long time?
How close are you to understanding their (possibly irrational) origin?

I've had the panic attacks for a few years, so not ttc-related. The cause seems to be lack of self-esteem leading to over-stressing about things!

I've not thought of ttc and my feelings really being linked - it feels more like me not wanting to carry on with it is a result of my feelings, rather than the other way around. That's a lot to do with me suddenly wanting to do lots before we have kids, when before I wasn't bothered - also my job has got better (I was hating it before) so I'm no longer so desperate to leave it for a year!

I do have friends on my own but not really in the area - apart from my male friend, and one or two others. My DH is involved in pretty much every area of my life. We have a lot of mutual friends from uni and do a lot together. I've started a new hobby that he also does but I'm involved in the organising of the group, which he's not, so that's one thing I do on my own. I've tried to explain I need to do things on my own but he's taken it personally so I don't feel I can say anything else without really worrying him. I just don't know what to do.

I used to associate love with anxiety. When i got help for my anxiety, I didn't feel the same fluttery tummy, just numbness. I thought I no longer cared for DH as I did't 'feel' much. I wanted to be away from him and spend more time on my own. Something I had never felt comfortable doing before.

Now I realise it wasn't anything to do with him but was all to do with me. I wasn't used to experiencing life without the anxious feeling I carried round. It wasn't that I didn't care for him but that I was feeling 'normal' inside. I needed some time to be me, get used to feeling 'normal'.

Maybe you can tell him how much life has been a struggle alone in the past. Now you feel better you need some time to do things on your own so you know you can do things on your own. Tell him you are getting used to being your own more confident person.

Don't know if any of that helps but hope it does.

Subconsciously this could be to do with the fact that you did not conceive when you were trying to, it could be you distancing yourself from him because of that.

Do you still love him? How would life be without him in it? Can you imagine it.

This must be a really hard time for him too feeling you detach from him, going your own way. I would imagine he is really scared.

It's quite possible that your body/subconscious are telling you that you do not want to be a wife&mother just yet. Is your H the sexist traditional sort who thinks that housework and childcare and a job for pin-money should be enough for a woman, that women exist for other people's benefit and shouldn't have hobbies or ambitions? If so you could be reacting against a possible narrowing down of your world to nothing but washing up liquid and nappies.

You would probably benefit from a bit more counselling ie talking this through with someone who is not your H or a friend or any mundane who will try and persuade you to maintain the status quo. The best thought I can offer you is that it's OK to end a relationship, to not want children yet/ever, to be single, to have interests other than wife&motherhood. Never forget that your life is for you, not just to be spent in keeping other people happy at your own expense.

He is traditional but not sexist - he'd like me to be at home with kids, but wouldn't if it didn't make me happy. I feel so awful - he bends over backwards to make me happy. I often wish he didn't so much. I don't want to be in charge all the time. I wish he'd get annoyed with me but he never does. I realise this sounds hugely ungrateful and I do apologise for that! I feel like i need him to challenge me a bit more. I've said this to him but that's just how he is. I do love him. Agh.

Although - he seems to think life will go on pretty much as before after we have DC and that my being pregnant won't stop me doing anything at all. I've told him he is unrealistic but he thinks I'm overreacting. I did point out that having kids is likely to affect my life more than his as it's my body and my career. Still doesn't get it...