I need to stop thinking about the OW

[peachsquash]

Brief history -Over a year ago my DH slept with a woman on the one time he met up with her after a very long emotional affair carried out via text, phone and email. I found out, it ended, we went to Relate and we agreed to try again as its what we both wanted.

We have good days and bad days although I feel that the bad days are mainly mine at the moment as I can't get it out of my head that he might be lying again (I have no reason to think he is, I just think that as he has done it before he could do it again)

Anyway the main reason I'm posting is advice - I need to stop thinking about the OW. I find myself checking out her fb page (private but I can see her profile pic which shes always changing), wondering about her life, wondering what shes like, is she fit and slim, how does she dress, did DH prefer her to me, does he wish he could see her again, I wonder about what would happen if I anonymously contacted her DH and told him (I wouldn't actually do it), I wonder what her life with her children is like, I wonder how she and DH would actually get on if they were 'together' ......etc

I shouldn't be still going over this in my head should I?

I'm sure I didn't do this quite so much before but for some reason I'm doing it now.

How can I stop thinking about her (and DH and her) as its dragging me down and I feel its making us step back rather than move forward?

Sounds like you are suffering from depression, it is not healthy to constantly think this way you need to move on from it before it destroys you and the relationship you have left with your partner.

It doesn't sound like you've had any sort of real closure. How apologetic was your DH in all this? Do you feel he did enough to try to reassure you that you're the one he wants? Is that something you could address with him? Because it does all sound like residual insecurity and that's very much up to him to address - he caused you to feel this way.

Talk to him. If you can find the confidence to feel that you and your DH can get past this, that you're the one he's chosen and that you're successfully working through this together, then I'm sure your feelings re the OW will settle down.

I think you're right about the insecurity. I just feel that one call, text or email could change things completely.

I almost felt more reassured in the early days -he seemed more apologetic then, I could see him making an effort and so on.

Its as though he wants to forget it happened and can't see why I wanted to talk about it after a certain amount of time had passed.

I can see that its not helping things by me dwelling on it.

Do you really think it could be a form of depression?

Forgetting it is the easiest option for him though, isn't it? Of course he doesn't want to talk about it - he's embarrassed and feels guilty and doesn't want reminders of how he behaved.

But if talking about it and getting the reassurance you need will help you, then he has to talk about it. He owes you that.

And yes, it could be depression. Worth having a think about and a chat with your GP.

What shall I do to stop myself going over stuff in my head in the meantime or when I find myself wanting to check her fb page?

I just feel that I wished she didn't exist then I wouldn't be wasting time and energy on wondering about her and her life.

I get the feeling her life hasn't be ruined by this the way I feel mine has and I hate her for it. I don' think I've truly hated anyone before

(and yes, I know "it takes 2" and that DH was equally responsible and all that but this is about my irrational thoughts and musings about her)

Not irrational - understandable.

What you said in your first post:

'I find myself checking out her fb page (private but I can see her profile pic which shes always changing), wondering about her life, wondering what shes like, is she fit and slim, how does she dress, did DH prefer her to me, does he wish he could see her again, I wonder about what would happen if I anonymously contacted her DH and told him (I wouldn't actually do it), I wonder what her life with her children is like, I wonder how she and DH would actually get on if they were 'together' ......etc'

...is precisely the reason why I could never stay with someone who'd betrayed me, however much I loved them/wanted to.

I salute anyone who can (and looking around mn, that seems quite a lot of us) and those who are trying, such as you, OP.

I agree with the advice you've had so far. I can only add that when these thoughts do overcome you, let them flow for a while - but give them a strict time limit and think of something good or plan something nice straight after.

I hope things get better for you soon.

OP it doesnt matter what she looks like or how she is etc - he chose to try and make a go of things with you - even knowing how hard it would be - he would still rather have a difficult relationship with you while you both tried to get over it than start fresh with the ow.

I can understand you feeling that you would like to have more info etc on her but honestly its only going to upset you I think.

thank you for your kind words.

I just wish none of this had ever happened (as I'm sure many others who have been through similar feel) .

The advice re allowing yourself a time limit thinking about the OW is good advice.

I would also block her on FB so that you aren't tempted to check out her profile.