Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

gotta make a decision between 2 men!

22 replies

lovenit · 25/08/2011 14:36

I have lived with my partner for 6 months, it hasn't been going well, he has been very controlling, moody and the thing that gets to me the most is he's not particularly great with my kids. We've had so many issues, he also doesn't pay anything financially, I have asked him to go several times, but he doesn't and he grinds me down by saying, noone else will want u, you won't survive on your own, you won't get better than me, your on your own how will manage to survive without me? , my family will hate u, you have noone! In the end you start to believe it and I haven't gone though with it, but I know he's not right for me and I have been so down.

Anyway a friend of a friend who is single, nice looking etc. has started to show interest, he speaks to me through fb, texts as well, tbh I'm not sure exactly what he knows about my partner. I won't meet up with this guy though until I've got rid of the guy I'm living with, now I know nothing might become of this guy I'm talking to, but its kind of given me the confidence to know I can do this, move on I mean. I just feel so guilty, and sad too, I'm confused, scared everything, with so many emotions I'm not sleeping either, can anyone help me move on!

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 25/08/2011 14:43

Look you know that if this friend of a friend had come onto the scence or not you should not be in the realtionship with your current partner anyway.

I think whatever happens you need to end the current realtionship and as soon as possible.

You cannot base leaving on him wether things might work out with man no 2 or not.

That should be a decision you make anyway.

Are you scared of being lonely? Is that what the hesitation is?

Original poster
lovenit · 25/08/2011 15:52

no its not that! its just very hard in a town not knowing anyone, no friends and no family, and him telling me this and that u start to believe it and end up not going through it, because its easier, yes call me a wimp but u cannot possibly understand how hard it is until your in the situation! I just need a push and some support really

OP posts:
AnyF · 25/08/2011 16:09

Your live-in partner sounds horrible, and really bad for you.

Get rid of him. Pronto. If not for yourself, for your kids. I would not tolerate anyone who wasn't good with my kids.

See how the other goes.

You answered your own question really, love x

Cocoflower · 25/08/2011 16:11

But Im giving you the 'push'- what is the point of being with this current partner? None! Its not me putting words into your mouth- you have stated how negative he is yourself

You have said yourself you want to it to end and and I am supporting that.

Perhaps some other posters will be along... Hmm

nocake · 25/08/2011 16:17

Think about it. Does your current partner make you happy? Will you be happier on your own?

Original poster
lovenit · 25/08/2011 16:20

cocoflower you are right, u all are. I really want to be strong and get rid yes!

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenit · 25/08/2011 16:22

I'm not saying I want to run away with this new guy or anything! I'm just flattered that well someone would find me attractive and that it itself is helping me see the woods for the trees if you see what I mean ??!!! I know I'm rambling lol

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 25/08/2011 16:25

Btw Im not saying is loneliness stopping you to be nasty- I, and Im sure many of us have put up with much worse for fear of loneliness. Its hard to admit but sadly it is a reason lots of us stay- we can't quite rip that plaster off it will hurt too much but we know in the long term we have to do it to heal.

I do get the impression, rightly or wrongly fear of lonliness is a major part of this as you said you are on your own and I wonder if you feel the only way to stop the pain of lonliness (as lets face it is one of the worst conditions to be in) is to make sure you have someone else first to stop the pain.

I am not critcising you I am only recognising some of your behaviour from my past.

Original poster
lovenit · 25/08/2011 16:31

maybe yes, if I'm really honest! Something that my current partner plays on too!!!

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 25/08/2011 16:40

Get rid of the current partner, that's got to be the priority. Have a word with Women's Aid about how to make him go or where to go yourself (depending on whose name the home is in). Bear in mind that if the rent/mortgage is in your name you can have your current partner removed by the police if he refuses to go.

Cocoflower · 25/08/2011 18:17

At the end of the day you know deep down you must end this.

Yes for a few days the loneliness will be utter hell- but then it will get better and you will begin to feel free and better.

Its like looking into a dark empty tunnel that you know you have to jump into- the fear of the darkness and pain stops you but you know if you dont make that jump you cannot ever come out to the brighter side.

Original poster
lovenit · 25/08/2011 18:33

well tbh when he's not here, I feel better. The loneliness isn't the main problem its dealing with the aftermath as he can be quite nasty!!

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 25/08/2011 19:09

Your bf does nothing for you at all, he is an emotional abuser and bully.

Someone will want you, you can manage on your own. He does nothing for you financially at all. Tell him to get out or you will call the police to remove him. It's your home.

Get rid of him for your own sake before he gets worse.

Then if you want to follow the lead with this other guy and take things slowly.

AnyFucker · 25/08/2011 19:29

don't stay wth a nasty man out of fear

or you will still be with him when you are 60 and your life has passed you by

like sgb said...if he is going to get intimidating get professional help from Women's Aid, the Police and get your family/friends to rally round to support you

have you been pretending you have a fabulous relationship ?

stop that right now and start telling people the truth

anybody who lives in fear of reprisals for ending a relationship is in an abusive relationship and should start immediately figuring out how to get out of it, not "musing" on the internet about "choosing between two men"

Fairenuff · 25/08/2011 21:01

If I had posted your post, lovenit, what would you advise me to do?

lazarusb · 25/08/2011 21:58

Phone Women's Aid and make plans to end this. He is abusing you. You already know you deserve better. Ask this other man to be a friend to you for the moment, someone to lean on. Time will tell if anything can happen between you but don't let that be your priority. You need to be safe.

LoveMyGirls · 25/08/2011 22:01

My ex said all that to me too. He was wrong. I got rid, moved on, now I'm happily married, with more dc, a business and a very bright and happy future.

Do it asap you will never ever ever ever regret it, you will thank your lucky stars you saw sense.

I'm not saying it's easy but I am saying you need to get rid of him. You know this or you wouldn't have posted.

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2011 14:18

I have asked him to go several times, but he doesn't and he grinds me down by saying, noone else will want u, you won't survive on your own, you won't get better than me, your on your own how will manage to survive without me? , my family will hate u, you have noone

I detest the common cries of "Dump him! Get Rid!"

You've asked him to go and he won't? If it's your place, as lazarusb or FabbyChic says, get agencies to shift him. If it's your place squirm I agree with AnyFucker

don't stay wth a nasty man out of fear...

f he is going to get intimidating get professional help from Women's Aid, the Police and get your family/friends to rally round to support you...

anybody who lives in fear of reprisals for ending a relationship is in an abusive relationship and should start immediately figuring out how to get out of it

AnyFucker · 26/08/2011 17:18

why do you squirm OMC ?

have you got worms ?

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2011 23:21

AnyFucker nah, no parasites of any sort. Just uncomfortable having preconceptions twisted.

Mostly, from what I can recall, I'll largely disagree with your POV on most things.

Not here.

So, either my recollections were wrong, or maybe you are, occasionally, right. [In which case, it's possible - just barely - that I might have been wrong in the past. Perhaps. Or I could just be mistaken :-)]

TDada · 27/08/2011 09:58

lovenit as you know your partner is a bully and a loser. I really hope that you shake him off soon. Just think what advice you would give your daughter if she were in your position. Warm wishes

AnyFucker · 30/08/2011 15:50

Hi, OMC, I missed your reply and just seen it

Glad to hear you have no unwanted inhabitants on/in your person

I just found it a little strange that you would squirm at agreeing with a post of mine, when my responses to threads like these are pretty much guaranteed to be constant < shrugs >

New posts on this thread. Refresh page