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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

stay 0r go

16 replies

vvvvfedup · 25/08/2011 09:15

Brief summary:
Together 10 years, 1 ds (5), sleep in separte roos 99% of time, virtually no sex (my choices as don;t feel close to him)currently seeing counsellor, again :(
positives: comfortable life, good provider, unselfish with money, good father, can be funny
negatives: lies about silly things (eg says put paper somewhere when he hasnt, says he took ds's temperature when he hadn't), says things have/haven't happened when i know they have, "forgets" thigs so they can't be discussed, for years didn't acknowldge my unhappiness, didn't do things he agreed to in earier counselling, appears to deliberatley ignore me somethimes, usually turns the blame of me for things he's doen to upset me.

Should i accept the negatives and focus on the postives, ot take my chances and leave. Should alos add i've been a sahm for 5 years which i another reason why it's so scary to leave, financially

OP posts:
Original poster
vvvvfedup · 25/08/2011 09:52

anyone?

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 25/08/2011 10:27

You don't want to stay, do you?
So go.

Original poster
vvvvfedup · 25/08/2011 10:30

If i could find a way of being happy with him, I'd definately stay.
Am i expecting to much? Is this just how men are?

OP posts:
steamedtreaclesponge · 25/08/2011 10:38

For me, those negatives would definitely outweigh the positives.

Saying things have happened when they haven't, and vice versa, is called gaslighting and is a classic sign of an emotional abuser. Add that to the lying, ignoring you and dismissal of your feelings and it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship or that he sees you as an actual person.

Are you having counselling alone or as a couple? If the latter, I would recommend having some sessions on your own as it might help clarify your own thoughts about the relationship.

steamedtreaclesponge · 25/08/2011 10:38

And no, it's not just how men are. Definitely not.

WondersOfTheWorld · 25/08/2011 11:08

No you shouldn't stay.
A lot of what yu are describing could be labelled as abusive behaviour and here is no reason why you should change your behaviour to let him behave in an unacceptable way. If anyone needs to change, it's him.

Have a look at this other thread
A post from Malificence is the best description of what a relationship should imo:
At a very basic level, your partner should make you feel secure , loved and respected - respect for each other and for each others opinions, even if you don't always agree, is the most important factor imho.

Do you thihnk you relationship fits these criteria? Is your H respectful of your feelings? Do you feel loved and secure?

WondersOfTheWorld · 25/08/2011 11:09

And no it's not how men are. It's how selfish men are.

Original poster
vvvvfedup · 25/08/2011 11:46

Thanks for your responses. I need to keep hearing them to keep me strong and convince myself i can't carry on like this.

We are seeing the counsellor together, and I've had a few sessions alone too

OP posts:
Original poster
vvvvfedup · 25/08/2011 13:18

Wonders - In some ways i feel loved and secure but in others not at all. No h is not often respectful of my feelings if it's anything to do with something he's done

OP posts:
piellabakewell · 25/08/2011 13:29

He sounds a lot like my exH...you'll probably be much happier without him.

oldwomaninashoe · 25/08/2011 13:30

How long have you been sleeping in separate rooms?

If you can never see a time when you will enjoy intimacy with him I wouldn't bother even trying tbh!

Sorry if that sounds brutal!

WondersOfTheWorld · 25/08/2011 13:32

Then that's not good enough.
A good husband, one that you want to send your life with, should respect you, your opinions etc... TBH none of the things you listed on the 'negative points' show any respect for you at all.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 25/08/2011 13:33

h is not often respectful of my feelings if it's anything to do with something he's done

What does he do that makes you feel that your feelings are not being respected in these instances, vvv?

Original poster
vvvvfedup · 25/08/2011 15:02

if he does soemthing to upset me , he'll often say that i "upset myself" or it's "my problem". He lies to me about silly things, then makes ridiculous excuses if he's found out.
He tells me things have/haven'tbeen said when i know they have. he "forgets" things so then they can't be discussed...

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/08/2011 11:30

How do you feel about him not listening to you in these cases, and then turning the blame on you?

If it's something he's not willing to change, can you live with it?

Same with lying and forgetting -- can you live with it or not?

Bear in mind that you can't change another person. Only they can, if they are willing to. The only thing you can change is yourself, as you can sense in your thread title: your choices are stay and put up, or go.

Visualise how staying with no change on his part would make you feel. Is it acceptable or not acceptable to you? Is it better or worse than the alternative?

TheFlyingOnion · 26/08/2011 11:32

You don't love him.

Go

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